just for update purposes- THE STRESS IS (SORTA) OVER :-) anyway......
The past 15 months or so, out of the closet, have been a unique experience for me, but an experience I wouldn't have any other way. For me to be happy, I had to come out inorder to accept who I was and stop lying to everyone else. But I was not prepared for what followed.
The talking about me, the comments, the looks, and the phone calls, textys and IMs from friends 'is it true?'. Okay so maybe i expected that much. But i thought it would subside, at some point and it did- with my friends- but everywhere i went i would say all of my junior year of college- i felt like one label followed me around: gay. and that was not wha i (thought)i had signed up for.
At then end of last year i ran for student office, yes, a big deal, but i didn't want it to be a big deal. I didnt want to be the gay president in YU, i wanted to be 'vote for wink'. and i won the elections
and this year, the past four months have been about showing ppl that there is a lot more to me than my sexuality. especially in student office, i think it was the best thing i could do post-coming out, to show ppl now that you all know im gay- here are the other things i can do.
And i wouldnt have done it any other way.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Yes, this week i very stressful- but that just means I am more intensified, my life is more intensified and you know what that means- more drama. This week, it's not the usual drama, backstabbing, cheating, TV things like that. It's worse.
The more i immerse myself into YU the more i am falling for the people around me. The more i feel like i can do nothing to control my feelings, and my emotions are just carrying me. controlling every friendship and every relationship - and complicating them.
It's not good for me to fall for people around me, firstly b/c they're not gay, second of all b/c even knowing that, i lie to myself and tell myself i have a chance until that person manages to convince me otherwise. Sorry for those friends that this is weird for, but this is the reality. I spend hours thinking about my good friends, but sometimes its more- i want them to love me back, the way i love them. Its like a straight guy falling for a girl he cant have, or for a girl who is his best friend- he's in love with them, cares about them so much, but no matter how much they love him back its 'friendship' love, and that is by no means the feeling he needs.
Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just want someone so bad that i fall for those unavailable, clinging to every unrealistic hope of one day having them care about me as much as i care about them. I need to be falling out of love, not in love. And these are the things that distract me from my work, and the stress.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
So yea, the Succot holidays were relaxing. and awesome. I rlly paid no attention to school which was fine. Then last week, I knew i had a pretty stressful week ahead of me, which I was prepared for. What i wasnt prepared for were my two hardest classes announcing/refreshing students memories that there are two HUGE midterms this week. I am freaking out all week last week. and I am literally doing ANYTHING to avoid studying- except TV watching b/c that would be admitting that i'm procrastinating. i wont admit to it.
but here i am admitting it. literally i let these thoughts of too much work race though my head, and how i'll never get through these tests or pass college. then i also let the drama take over- this friend is struggling, i need to hang out with that grp of friends, and aaah. Im trying to take it one day at a time. thats what they say to do. right?
ps- im really realy srry to all those friends im letting down by not hanging out/ going out for birthdays and the like. I just cant admit to procrastination. id rather sit in my apt and blog, then actually be somewhere where work wouldn't be feasible.
Monday, October 12, 2009
So for those of you that don't know I am the son of a Rabbi and that has also added to some, umm, fun with things... For instance, this Simchat Torah i did Torah Tours, a group that sends students all around the country to strengthen Jewish communities "simcha" on this holiday, singing and dancing and the like. Shout out to my amazing T-squared group.
So it happens that the Rabbi didn't give us clear instruction as to what to be responsible for- and off the cuff, and with help from my fellow group-mates, I randomly remembered the tune for the Megillah Kohelet and whipped out 8 chapters of that... also called up the Chasan Torah Chasan Breishis. Also got annoyed when the Rabbi didn't do certain things right. UGHHHH.
Why do I know all these things? Why do I get frustrated b/c the person reading the Torah was 14 and mispronounced half the words? It's frustrating for me to know that I care so much.
Once upon a time i wanted to be a Rabbi. Judaism is a huge passion of mine. But i always just wanted to be the cool kid, or the one who blended in (and by blend in i mean sit in the back of the shul and talk, and not care about what was going on up front). and definitely not the jewey one. So am I cool? Am I the Jewey nerd? Am I both? Am I neither?
And does being gay have to relate to any of these and mean that I can't be involved in a shul or can't be a Gabai or even Rabbi even if I choose to be celibate but still out of the closet?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
aaaand now for the heavy stuff. The real reason I'm writing this blog is to hopefully help people understand the situation of life. Not for pity or sympathy or love or support. Just understanding. I am a Frum Jew. I have alway been a Frum Jew. And With Hashem's help, I will continue to be a Frum Jew.
The challenge Hashem gave me is that I am not attracted to women, I am attracted to men. Unfortunately, the Torah tells us not to be with men. Do I think anyone can lead a completely celibate life? No. But one can try. I have never and will never say "it's okay to be Gay accordoing to Orthodox Judaism." It is not. And this is why I struggle every day.
I do not regret coming out. I am still happy with the decision to let the world know of the struggle of homosexuality and Judaism. However, it is still a struggle. And it is not okay to go against the Torah, no matter what our hearts desire.
There's plenty more to come.
For my first blog, I'd rather not get to the nitty-gritty of things. Just wanted to discuss what's been going on with me and TV these days. TV used to be an escape, something I could use to run away from all my other thoughts and things for a half hour or an hour. UNtil it became a social outlet. Networking, facebooking, tweeting, and discussing TV with random ppl I didn't know on random websites. Not only did it become way too intense, it became ridiculous. I was watching shows JUST so I could talk to other ppl about them, not because I enjoyed them. Also, shows that I did enjoy were no longer good because I would watch them as a critic- this camera angle, that acting technique, instead just as an escape it would stress me out if I missed a show or that I had so much to watch- completely backfiring on everything I watch TV for. So now I'm giving up a few- Heroes, The Hills, and Smallville is low on the totem poll. Although that still leaves like 15 shows, I'm definitely rethinking the way I enjoy TV. that's all for the next few minutes at leas.t I'm excited to write more- I have a lot to say.