I promise this is not about any of my friends that are reading this blog. It's very personal, and involves ppl you don't know.
After finally coming out and becoming more confident with that aspect of my life, I finally found inner peace that i hadn't had since puberty. With that, I took the time to work on myself- find my strengths, find my weaknesses, and find all the things that made me who I am.
It doesn't matter how old you are, peer pressure will always exist. That's what makes the world go round and what's creates societies and builds cultures. Everyone influences each other. Its really important to constantly be aware of who you surround yourself with and the people you let into your life on a daily basis. Because as strong and as confident a person you are, others will always have an influence on what you do.
Recently I've been struggling with a fundamental of my religion because many of my friends were also, until I realized that just b/c they were struggling, that didn't make them better or stronger or more important ppl b/c of their difficulties. B/c I certainly have my own struggles and if there are few things about my life and who I am that I am confident in, there is no reason to give that up- it doesn't make me look better or worse in my friends eyes.
I am just me, and that's all I want to be, and that's all any of us should be- ourselves.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A Novelty Item
I try not to complain about the mundane things, especially anything about my friends b/c I love them so much, and am so honored to have them in my life. But some friends (usually guys), be it individuals or groups as a whole, tend to focus on one part of me- my sexuality. I know it's not purposely, I know I am some what of a novelty item within the Orthodox Community and people have questions and that's fine and I'm here to answer them.
But honestly, sometimes it's hard to talk about it all the time, every day, every conversation. Especially when there's so much more to me, and especially when it's such a struggling issue, it's painful to talk about all the time. Sometimes it's my own fault for bringing it up in conversation, but usually my friends just want to know about different things- sometimes it's gay sex, sometimes gaydar, sometimes the struggles of religion, sometimes it's rating their attractiveness. It's hard for me to be this "topic of conversation", this person there to answer their questions- when I know that if I wasn't in their lives, they would never ask anyone else and it wouldn't be a big deal.
It's a little bit frustrating. Do they go around asking their straight girl friends who are girls which one of them is best looking? Rarely. It's not a comfortable position for them to put me in- even though they obviously don't do it purposely. And I don't stop them- sometimes it's nice to be the center of attention. But sometimes it's just awkward and I don't like being a novelty item.
I love all my friends and appreciate each and every relationship I have. Just wanted to vent a bit.
But honestly, sometimes it's hard to talk about it all the time, every day, every conversation. Especially when there's so much more to me, and especially when it's such a struggling issue, it's painful to talk about all the time. Sometimes it's my own fault for bringing it up in conversation, but usually my friends just want to know about different things- sometimes it's gay sex, sometimes gaydar, sometimes the struggles of religion, sometimes it's rating their attractiveness. It's hard for me to be this "topic of conversation", this person there to answer their questions- when I know that if I wasn't in their lives, they would never ask anyone else and it wouldn't be a big deal.
It's a little bit frustrating. Do they go around asking their straight girl friends who are girls which one of them is best looking? Rarely. It's not a comfortable position for them to put me in- even though they obviously don't do it purposely. And I don't stop them- sometimes it's nice to be the center of attention. But sometimes it's just awkward and I don't like being a novelty item.
I love all my friends and appreciate each and every relationship I have. Just wanted to vent a bit.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The Struggle
[Reposted from FB for those that read it there]
i love my life. ill tell you what bothers me. When others try and tell me how to live, how to act and how to behave. The Torah and Rebbeim I have a relatonship with, maybe, but until you live my life, do not tell me what I can and cannot do. Or that who I am is simply society leaking into our "perfect" Jewish culture.
are those "judging" me celibate individuals? No, they are married, they have sex. Are they gay? maybe, but probably not.
So until they are in my shoes, don't tell me my Nisayon is just like everyone else's, and can be overcome with enough effort. that's true in very few situations, and until you are in my situation, don't tell me what challenges i can or cannot overcome.
our society is not a "pure Torah society", so don't yell at me for turning it impure. it's not my fault that i have a struggle and regardless of that struggle, i simply want for the Orthodox community to accept me. the more you denounce my challenge and tell me my struggle is not okay, the more you push me away from Orthodoxy. If that is the goal, congratulations, you are succeeding. If it is not, then stop. Just stop. Just let me try and make a life for myself and stay frum.
i love my life. ill tell you what bothers me. When others try and tell me how to live, how to act and how to behave. The Torah and Rebbeim I have a relatonship with, maybe, but until you live my life, do not tell me what I can and cannot do. Or that who I am is simply society leaking into our "perfect" Jewish culture.
are those "judging" me celibate individuals? No, they are married, they have sex. Are they gay? maybe, but probably not.
So until they are in my shoes, don't tell me my Nisayon is just like everyone else's, and can be overcome with enough effort. that's true in very few situations, and until you are in my situation, don't tell me what challenges i can or cannot overcome.
our society is not a "pure Torah society", so don't yell at me for turning it impure. it's not my fault that i have a struggle and regardless of that struggle, i simply want for the Orthodox community to accept me. the more you denounce my challenge and tell me my struggle is not okay, the more you push me away from Orthodoxy. If that is the goal, congratulations, you are succeeding. If it is not, then stop. Just stop. Just let me try and make a life for myself and stay frum.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Move along.
When I was in high school I used to imagine "endless nights". My theory was that the longer I stayed awake, the more I focused on NOT falling asleep, the next day would never come. The morning would never come and I would never have to worry about the test I had the next day or the pain that was my life and my sexuality. Life could just freeze in this endless night, where time never had to move on.
In a way, I feel, that might be a phase the world is going through. In particular, when it comes to anyone fearful of change or commitment, it represents their greater fear of moving on, of growing up, of gaining days, months and years on their lives. They're scared if they commit to something in the future, they are committing to that future time and date arriving, and therefore locking themselves into a plan that they cannot alter, and they cannot stop it from arriving.
Sometimes it might be nice to freeze the world. Sometimes it would be nice not to have to move on, to face the world to face the future, but no matter how long you fight that sleep from overtaking you, the new day will come. So instead of fighting, I challenge us all to embrace it. Embrace every new day, embrace every new step and every moment of our future. "Remember the past, Live the present, Trust the future."
In a way, I feel, that might be a phase the world is going through. In particular, when it comes to anyone fearful of change or commitment, it represents their greater fear of moving on, of growing up, of gaining days, months and years on their lives. They're scared if they commit to something in the future, they are committing to that future time and date arriving, and therefore locking themselves into a plan that they cannot alter, and they cannot stop it from arriving.
Sometimes it might be nice to freeze the world. Sometimes it would be nice not to have to move on, to face the world to face the future, but no matter how long you fight that sleep from overtaking you, the new day will come. So instead of fighting, I challenge us all to embrace it. Embrace every new day, embrace every new step and every moment of our future. "Remember the past, Live the present, Trust the future."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Emotions
Anyone that knows me, knows this: I wear my heart on my sleeve, and follow my emotions. My heart tells me where to go, what to do - because suppressing that is no way to live. Even if my brain contradicts.
Lately there has been a lot of people trying to understand more about homosexuality and religion, why a gay person has to come out, and why I did come out. Here's something I wrote in a very vulnerable state, while contemplating the meaning of sexuality and religion. (ie- after watching "Prayers for Bobby"):
i didnt come out to announce to the world or to parade my lifestyle or to tell every other jewish struggling kid to come out. i came out for myself. so i could finally stop hiding. its not fun to always be telling everyone "oh im not ready to date" or "im not looking to get married yet". Eventually they get it, and they all talk and wonder whats wrong with me.
I came out to tell the world there is nothing wrong with me. they can stop wondering and judging, im gay. so im not the same as them but again, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. by keeping it in, im admitting that it's something shameful. im admitting its something never to tell anyone about b/c it's not "normal". well that's not a way to live. Even by just telling a few friends, that's acting as though its an embarrassment. its not. its just part of me.
the more ppl like me and my friends come out (shout out JQY), the more ppl understand that theres nothing wrong with us. that maybe the actions are shunned by the torah, but that doesnt change the desires we have. and maybe if ppl begin to see and hear that this "way of life" is just like everyone else with a few exceptions, maybe then less kids will be hurt or hurt themselves growing up knowing b/c they will finally know that they are not alone. and that time has come to be okay and for the world to understand we're just like everyone else.
Lately there has been a lot of people trying to understand more about homosexuality and religion, why a gay person has to come out, and why I did come out. Here's something I wrote in a very vulnerable state, while contemplating the meaning of sexuality and religion. (ie- after watching "Prayers for Bobby"):
i didnt come out to announce to the world or to parade my lifestyle or to tell every other jewish struggling kid to come out. i came out for myself. so i could finally stop hiding. its not fun to always be telling everyone "oh im not ready to date" or "im not looking to get married yet". Eventually they get it, and they all talk and wonder whats wrong with me.
I came out to tell the world there is nothing wrong with me. they can stop wondering and judging, im gay. so im not the same as them but again, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. by keeping it in, im admitting that it's something shameful. im admitting its something never to tell anyone about b/c it's not "normal". well that's not a way to live. Even by just telling a few friends, that's acting as though its an embarrassment. its not. its just part of me.
the more ppl like me and my friends come out (shout out JQY), the more ppl understand that theres nothing wrong with us. that maybe the actions are shunned by the torah, but that doesnt change the desires we have. and maybe if ppl begin to see and hear that this "way of life" is just like everyone else with a few exceptions, maybe then less kids will be hurt or hurt themselves growing up knowing b/c they will finally know that they are not alone. and that time has come to be okay and for the world to understand we're just like everyone else.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Little Boxes
As a society, we create rules and expectations for everyone around us. Titles, labels, boxes . These are the "places" we categorize people who we encounter- coworkers, friends, family ; or label those around us- Frum, not Frum, Yeshivish, Modern, etc...
This is what society was created to do (see "Lord of the Flies"). But I ask- as a society, as a Jewish world and nation, how small or large are our boxes? What categorizes a person in one box and not the other? The labels that we create and so willingly force other people into- what gives us that right? Now I know no one can CHANGE society- but on the topic of homosexuality, there is one thing I thought of, with help from a friend, as far as boxes go:
There are exceptions to every rule.
Whatever box you may place me in, or anyone in your life, we have to be willing and understanding that there are (a) other boxes, and (b) exceptions to every box. Not everyone will fit perfectly in everyone else's box. In fact, most of us don't ever fit into a box- we are all individuals, just some are more obvious about their individuality than others. But when labeling and boxing and giving other people expectations, make sure you do not rely too heavily on what box you "expect" or "assume" someone belongs in. Because chances are, they will break the mold.
This is what society was created to do (see "Lord of the Flies"). But I ask- as a society, as a Jewish world and nation, how small or large are our boxes? What categorizes a person in one box and not the other? The labels that we create and so willingly force other people into- what gives us that right? Now I know no one can CHANGE society- but on the topic of homosexuality, there is one thing I thought of, with help from a friend, as far as boxes go:
There are exceptions to every rule.
Whatever box you may place me in, or anyone in your life, we have to be willing and understanding that there are (a) other boxes, and (b) exceptions to every box. Not everyone will fit perfectly in everyone else's box. In fact, most of us don't ever fit into a box- we are all individuals, just some are more obvious about their individuality than others. But when labeling and boxing and giving other people expectations, make sure you do not rely too heavily on what box you "expect" or "assume" someone belongs in. Because chances are, they will break the mold.
Let's move on
And here I say- there is/always has been a lot more to me than the issue of homosexuality. Sure there is the most to discuss in terms of that, but it's been a very intense few weeks with that conversation. Let's move on. (At least on this blog... there are still plenty more discussions happening-
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2010/01/mordechai-levovitzs-point-15.html
http://notwhileiamaround.blogspot.com/2010/01/wait-whos-one-with-agenda-again.html
http://toleranceoncampus.blogspot.com/2010/01/appeal-for-intellectual-honesty-my.html
http://www.5tjt.com/news/read.asp?Id=5536
AND THAT'S IT. Moving on with a new post.
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2010/01/mordechai-levovitzs-point-15.html
http://notwhileiamaround.blogspot.com/2010/01/wait-whos-one-with-agenda-again.html
http://toleranceoncampus.blogspot.com/2010/01/appeal-for-intellectual-honesty-my.html
http://www.5tjt.com/news/read.asp?Id=5536
AND THAT'S IT. Moving on with a new post.
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