The hardest part about being that guy is the fact that there are so many people who know everything about me- and who will come to me anonymously and then I know nothing about them. Yes I blog, I am an open book, fine, but it's really hard and almost unfair that I speak to so many of you and don't even know who you are. It's pretty hard to build a friendship of any kind without a name or a face.
Do not stop talking to me. I love you all and I am here for you. But just so you know, it's extremely difficult when I talk to you, to think you know everything about me- and I don't even know your name. Try and in vision being in my shoes for a minute, that's all I ask. And I do want to be "that guy". I didn't sign up for it, but I'm so thrilled to help. It's just hard for me, as a person (not as a 'resource' or 'therapist' but just as me), to have strangers talking to me without even a name for me to call them.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Trying my best
Apparently, I am that guy.
I didn't know I was that guy.
I didn't ask to be that guy.
A new friend of mine told me I am a "household name". I come up in conversation, not just the topic of homosexuality, but of me specifically. I didn't sign up for that. Then again, I didn't sign up for homosexuality either, as far as I know. But people are talking about me, it started a year and a half ago and there are louder times and there are quieter times, but they're talking. And they're whispering. And some are even pointing. So what? I don't have to care. Well I shouldn't, anyway. But as social beings it's only natural to care- as long as I work to not let it dictate me, where I go or who I become.
Along with being a "household name", I became that guy. That person that everyone who is gay and Jewish needs to talk to, needs to get in touch with. Closeted people mostly, but either way I feel my head constantly filling up with more and more secrets. On a daily basis I have more and more to keep in- and I do my best to do so. Sometimes people call me untrustworthy- but that's when I screw up with my friends- not with secrets from people whom I don;t even know their names. I didn't ask to be "that guy". I didn't ask to have the Orthodox world put me in this focal point, and I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, but I want to help, I want to be there for anyone who needs it. I only have my own experience and try my best to share with anyone who needs me.
That brings me to my last point, I like to think or hypothesize that with the amount of other people's secrets, thoughts and emotions filling my head, there is little room for my own. And I end up using outlets- Twitter, Facebook and the Blog, and my closest friends who listen to me struggle day in and day out, all to let off my own thoughts and make room for everyone else's. Thanks to my friends who are able to put up with me. And to those that can't- I'm sorry if I'm a burden, I'm just trying to do my best, even if I seem immature/whiney or out of control at some points.
I didn't know I was that guy.
I didn't ask to be that guy.
A new friend of mine told me I am a "household name". I come up in conversation, not just the topic of homosexuality, but of me specifically. I didn't sign up for that. Then again, I didn't sign up for homosexuality either, as far as I know. But people are talking about me, it started a year and a half ago and there are louder times and there are quieter times, but they're talking. And they're whispering. And some are even pointing. So what? I don't have to care. Well I shouldn't, anyway. But as social beings it's only natural to care- as long as I work to not let it dictate me, where I go or who I become.
Along with being a "household name", I became that guy. That person that everyone who is gay and Jewish needs to talk to, needs to get in touch with. Closeted people mostly, but either way I feel my head constantly filling up with more and more secrets. On a daily basis I have more and more to keep in- and I do my best to do so. Sometimes people call me untrustworthy- but that's when I screw up with my friends- not with secrets from people whom I don;t even know their names. I didn't ask to be "that guy". I didn't ask to have the Orthodox world put me in this focal point, and I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, but I want to help, I want to be there for anyone who needs it. I only have my own experience and try my best to share with anyone who needs me.
That brings me to my last point, I like to think or hypothesize that with the amount of other people's secrets, thoughts and emotions filling my head, there is little room for my own. And I end up using outlets- Twitter, Facebook and the Blog, and my closest friends who listen to me struggle day in and day out, all to let off my own thoughts and make room for everyone else's. Thanks to my friends who are able to put up with me. And to those that can't- I'm sorry if I'm a burden, I'm just trying to do my best, even if I seem immature/whiney or out of control at some points.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The head or heart
Don't get me wrong, I know there are positives and negatives to both sides of every coin.
But this is a question I would say I haven't asked myself since i was 16. Should I listen to my head or to my heart? Should I do what feels right or what I know to be right? I'm posing this question to everyone.
Personally, It was a matter of Gay or Straight. My head said be straight- it's normal it's what everyone does. My heart said there's nothing as important to me as being with another guy. But this applies in many situations (this is lame and high school but wtvr)- Should I go to the party where there will be drugs or stay home and be bored? Its the mind or the heart.
I recently had a long conversation with someone, and after rlly connecting on a new level, the last thing we discussed was this. We were very in sync about a lot of things so I was shocked when it came up that this person sayis "I always make decisions with my head and brain" and I said "I always make decisions with my heart".
So when it comes down to it, this doesn't make or break a relationship, but it can lead people to two completely different paths. Just something I've been thinking about. Is there even one right answer to apply across the board? Or is this a case-by-case situation? Sound off below.
Oh, and does this necessarily have religious ramifications- does the Torah, or any religion, promote thinking with your mind over your heart of vice-versa?
But this is a question I would say I haven't asked myself since i was 16. Should I listen to my head or to my heart? Should I do what feels right or what I know to be right? I'm posing this question to everyone.
Personally, It was a matter of Gay or Straight. My head said be straight- it's normal it's what everyone does. My heart said there's nothing as important to me as being with another guy. But this applies in many situations (this is lame and high school but wtvr)- Should I go to the party where there will be drugs or stay home and be bored? Its the mind or the heart.
I recently had a long conversation with someone, and after rlly connecting on a new level, the last thing we discussed was this. We were very in sync about a lot of things so I was shocked when it came up that this person sayis "I always make decisions with my head and brain" and I said "I always make decisions with my heart".
So when it comes down to it, this doesn't make or break a relationship, but it can lead people to two completely different paths. Just something I've been thinking about. Is there even one right answer to apply across the board? Or is this a case-by-case situation? Sound off below.
Oh, and does this necessarily have religious ramifications- does the Torah, or any religion, promote thinking with your mind over your heart of vice-versa?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Love Yourself as Others Love You
While the title of this post may seem somewhat backwards to you and I shall explain. The famous hebrew phrase said by R' Akiva "v'ahavta L'rayacha Kamocha- love others as you love yourself" has been taught throughout the Jewish community for years and years. However, this saying seems not to be the trend these days and it needs to be noticed.
I struggled for years and years with loving myself. Whether it was my sexuality or other things, I just couldn't bring myself to find the inner peace to love myself. And it's a problem I see all too often in today's world. Instead of finding inner-peace and looking inside one's self for love, many people go to others. Sometimes it's other outlets- overbearing friendships, drinking, game systems, any way to avoid spending time with yourself. Any way to avoid thinking about who you are and what's going on inside you. I've worked really hard at this- at just spending time with myself and focusing on me in order to learn new things about me and not run away from parts of me that I was scared of. So now I challenge you, too. When was the last time you spent time alone? Not on a subway, not with a iPod or a TV show, but just time thinking about who you are and what that means to you. What parts of you you do like and what parts of you you might want to change.
I unfortunately know too many people who go to others for love and relationships and look to others to care about them, so they don't have to care for themselves and I honestly just want everyone to love themselves so they don't have to run for the rest of their lives from what's inside. Sometimes you just have to love yourself as others love you.
I struggled for years and years with loving myself. Whether it was my sexuality or other things, I just couldn't bring myself to find the inner peace to love myself. And it's a problem I see all too often in today's world. Instead of finding inner-peace and looking inside one's self for love, many people go to others. Sometimes it's other outlets- overbearing friendships, drinking, game systems, any way to avoid spending time with yourself. Any way to avoid thinking about who you are and what's going on inside you. I've worked really hard at this- at just spending time with myself and focusing on me in order to learn new things about me and not run away from parts of me that I was scared of. So now I challenge you, too. When was the last time you spent time alone? Not on a subway, not with a iPod or a TV show, but just time thinking about who you are and what that means to you. What parts of you you do like and what parts of you you might want to change.
I unfortunately know too many people who go to others for love and relationships and look to others to care about them, so they don't have to care for themselves and I honestly just want everyone to love themselves so they don't have to run for the rest of their lives from what's inside. Sometimes you just have to love yourself as others love you.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Taboo
Okay so originally an article i read about sexual abuse sparked this post, but whether or not the article is true, these are my thoughts.
The idea of abuse ad Orthodox sex issues in general I discussed within the past 24 hours before having it come up again, by coincidence. The Orthodox community has a lot of challenges and a lot of things to work on. Within the past ten years, growing up, people took a stand and finally challenged adults to get a handle on the drinking and the drugs that happens in the Yeshiva High Schools and began to set limits, like on Simchat Torah and Purim. However, now it's time to face a new issue- again, they may not want to- but it's time. And if no one else will, as soon as i have the means, I will.
The issue of sex and sexuality can no longer be ignored. I know, every Rabbi has a "Shomer Negiah" Shiur, in high school, in Israel, in college. Everyone knows that kids are struggling with "Negiah". But it's much bigger than that. Sex is much bigger than that. Sex is happening in front of our eyes when people are way too young. Children are being molested and teenagers are being reckless (ie- sex in broom closets and pregnancies). While I don't say- give a Shiur and control teens, I say FACE IT. Face the fact that Orthodox teens are having sex, now more than ever. Gay, straight, that's not the issue. If schools open their eyes and their mouths and being to make sex less taboo and allow their students to discuss it more openly and understand what they do in high school has ramifications on the future ie- STDs, condoms. And if sex becomes more open- hopefully molestation will also be an issue that people don't have to be scared about, to talk about, to finally discuss. And maybe we can help bring Orthodoxy to the next stage of it's growth and understanding the next challenge facing a new generation.
The idea of abuse ad Orthodox sex issues in general I discussed within the past 24 hours before having it come up again, by coincidence. The Orthodox community has a lot of challenges and a lot of things to work on. Within the past ten years, growing up, people took a stand and finally challenged adults to get a handle on the drinking and the drugs that happens in the Yeshiva High Schools and began to set limits, like on Simchat Torah and Purim. However, now it's time to face a new issue- again, they may not want to- but it's time. And if no one else will, as soon as i have the means, I will.
The issue of sex and sexuality can no longer be ignored. I know, every Rabbi has a "Shomer Negiah" Shiur, in high school, in Israel, in college. Everyone knows that kids are struggling with "Negiah". But it's much bigger than that. Sex is much bigger than that. Sex is happening in front of our eyes when people are way too young. Children are being molested and teenagers are being reckless (ie- sex in broom closets and pregnancies). While I don't say- give a Shiur and control teens, I say FACE IT. Face the fact that Orthodox teens are having sex, now more than ever. Gay, straight, that's not the issue. If schools open their eyes and their mouths and being to make sex less taboo and allow their students to discuss it more openly and understand what they do in high school has ramifications on the future ie- STDs, condoms. And if sex becomes more open- hopefully molestation will also be an issue that people don't have to be scared about, to talk about, to finally discuss. And maybe we can help bring Orthodoxy to the next stage of it's growth and understanding the next challenge facing a new generation.
Monday, November 16, 2009
That's SO Gay
First off, sorry for the delay. When I'm stressed I need to do work. When i'm finally relaxing i need to relax. not sure where blogging fits into those- although it can be very therapeutic at time :-)
Anyway I wanted to mention the "thats gay" habit. There's been ad campaigns and various discussions about the just un-cool habit of people to call things gay as a synonym for lame or stupid or annoying. also, there was an Office episode (lol). My friends, for the most part, have made a conscious effort to cut down this habit and I appreciate that. However, some of the people around me haven't- and that's insulting. And it's not just around me, it's anyone anywhere, especially when you never know who is in the closet or who actually is gay. It's like if some looks at a Jew doing something stupid and says "that's so Jewish". It's insulting, though I'm not personally offended, but still offending to the nature of who I am, and I ask my friends to chill out with it. It's not cool. I worked on it also, and I erased that phrase from my vocabulary. And I don't ask much of the people around me, I don't like who I am to be a burden, but this is just an insulting habit for people to keep up.
There are times where friends say it once, or twice, and it's kind of funny because I'm around and I'm gay, and this is a novelty within the Orthodox world and it's weird and funny to say something that you've always said and then realize someone in the room is actually gay. And yea, when you first realize it, it's funny. Unfortunately, that's really only at first, one time- maybe two- but it shouldn't be acceptable. And it shouldn't be only an effort when I - or anyone else gay- is in the room. Also because you never know who is gay around you, especially within the frum circles. It should be an effort always to just get rid of this habit that can be insulting and degrading.
Anyway I wanted to mention the "thats gay" habit. There's been ad campaigns and various discussions about the just un-cool habit of people to call things gay as a synonym for lame or stupid or annoying. also, there was an Office episode (lol). My friends, for the most part, have made a conscious effort to cut down this habit and I appreciate that. However, some of the people around me haven't- and that's insulting. And it's not just around me, it's anyone anywhere, especially when you never know who is in the closet or who actually is gay. It's like if some looks at a Jew doing something stupid and says "that's so Jewish". It's insulting, though I'm not personally offended, but still offending to the nature of who I am, and I ask my friends to chill out with it. It's not cool. I worked on it also, and I erased that phrase from my vocabulary. And I don't ask much of the people around me, I don't like who I am to be a burden, but this is just an insulting habit for people to keep up.
There are times where friends say it once, or twice, and it's kind of funny because I'm around and I'm gay, and this is a novelty within the Orthodox world and it's weird and funny to say something that you've always said and then realize someone in the room is actually gay. And yea, when you first realize it, it's funny. Unfortunately, that's really only at first, one time- maybe two- but it shouldn't be acceptable. And it shouldn't be only an effort when I - or anyone else gay- is in the room. Also because you never know who is gay around you, especially within the frum circles. It should be an effort always to just get rid of this habit that can be insulting and degrading.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The proverbial 'Closet'
I'd first like to address some of the readers- this blog is for me to express and teach and open the eyes and make aware for my friends, and for people who care to know what's going on in my life. I'm writing for me.
I'd like to discuss 'the closet' for a minute. I spent most of my life in the closet. My life in the closet was about finding others in similar situations- other people in the closet. When I heard of someone out of the closet, I wondered how in the world they did it, and I also wanted nothing to do with them. That was too scary and too real. So now that I'm out of the closet- it's very very difficult for me to look back in there. And I know that's rude and selfish, but it's hard for me to put myself back in those old shoes of being hidden. I wonder why doesn't everyone in the closet come to me? I can help, I've been there, I don't out you. But i also try to remember I've been there and I can't expect them to face their greatest fear- of coming out to someone.
I also try now, out of the closet, not to judge those still in the closet. Do I look around me on a daily basis and wonder- is he gay? is she gay? is that one gay? Yes, I wonder that every day about almost everyone I meet. Some are easier to figure out some are more difficult. BUT my biggest struggle now is probably this behavior. It's not my business if someone else is gay, if someone is still in the closet. It's their struggle and they will hopefully, with Gods help, figure it out. I'm sorry for those that I have misjudged or judged at all- and I hope you figure it all out. I'm really working on not driving myself crazy to know whether or not you're gay, but just know I really just always want to help and to talk which is where my questioning comes from. But it's not right. You will figure it out.
I'd like to discuss 'the closet' for a minute. I spent most of my life in the closet. My life in the closet was about finding others in similar situations- other people in the closet. When I heard of someone out of the closet, I wondered how in the world they did it, and I also wanted nothing to do with them. That was too scary and too real. So now that I'm out of the closet- it's very very difficult for me to look back in there. And I know that's rude and selfish, but it's hard for me to put myself back in those old shoes of being hidden. I wonder why doesn't everyone in the closet come to me? I can help, I've been there, I don't out you. But i also try to remember I've been there and I can't expect them to face their greatest fear- of coming out to someone.
I also try now, out of the closet, not to judge those still in the closet. Do I look around me on a daily basis and wonder- is he gay? is she gay? is that one gay? Yes, I wonder that every day about almost everyone I meet. Some are easier to figure out some are more difficult. BUT my biggest struggle now is probably this behavior. It's not my business if someone else is gay, if someone is still in the closet. It's their struggle and they will hopefully, with Gods help, figure it out. I'm sorry for those that I have misjudged or judged at all- and I hope you figure it all out. I'm really working on not driving myself crazy to know whether or not you're gay, but just know I really just always want to help and to talk which is where my questioning comes from. But it's not right. You will figure it out.
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