Sunday, March 3, 2013

Blogging for Me


When I came out, it wasn’t for anyone but myself. I came out to be true to who I was, because there was something inside of me that kept me from being myself around those I cared about most. Little did I know, coming out in the Orthodox community, and starting a blog, would change me forever.

Call me na├»ve, call me ignorant, call me what you will, but I honestly believed coming out wouldn’t change me at all. I was always gay; I was just letting people know at this point. I didn’t think about repercussions, but more than that, I didn’t think that there would even be repercussions. I didn’t think that within days I’d have numerous emails, text messages, and Facebook messages all with the same three words: “is it true?”

So I started a blog. I started a blog not to change the face of Orthodoxy and homosexuality, but simply so I could stop answering questions day in and day out- how’d you come out, why’d you come out, “is it true”. So instead, all those answers can be found in the last 120 or so postings. 

However, I soon learned an important lesson. Coming out was intended to be for me, to find my own inner peace, sense of self and happiness, and translate those emotions through my blog. Eventually, though, the blog transformed my coming out and my story, into the resource for all things religious and gay and I had all the answers and everyone should read my blog. The community began to talk and it became clear to me that what I had just done, changed the face of YU and of modern Orthodoxy because there had been so few who had done this before me.  

The greater impact of coming out was not on myself, but apparently, on those around me.  I let the blog take a life of it's own, and become a resource for those seeking answers. But there was never an intention to change the community or the world. And I lost sight of that after writing for a few months. I wrote as if I spoke for everyone, as if my word should change the world and as if I speak for all gay Jews. Looking back on this process, I understand now more than ever, that my writing is just for me and never intended to represent anyone else.

2 comments:

  1. I love you, Ely. That's a humbling and beautiful thought relevant to all, as we undoubtedly express ourselves and get lost in the assumed impact on others and forget that our expression is from us, and most importantly for us. The positive impact on others (that we hopefully do impart) is just the icing on the cake.

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It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews