That Girl

I guess I needed a bit of a break. My last post, while definitely not necessarily my most thought out or best choice of words, was important for me to write. So I appreciate all the feedback, even the negative. I wanted to share something that's been on my mind- being that girl.

In the past, I've written about different individual's choices to stay in the closet, and my dismay with those who stay in the closet and date women, even though they know that they're gay. It's one thing to hide it as a personal choice, but it's another to bring other people into this decision and struggle. I was talking to a friend who asked me about the orientation a boy she was set up with. I told her I was uncomfortable answering or disclosing any information I may or may not know, and she responded, "Please, Ely, no one wants to be that girl." That's what inspires this post. While many friends have had numerous girls come to them with a situation as this, it's rarely happened to me.

It's always unfortunate when men/women hide who they are from their significant others, but I never thought that once they come out, what their partner's perspective would be. Apparently, no one wants to be that girl. No one wants to fall in love and be told "I love you, but I'll never love you as much as you love me".  I always felt less upset when a homosexual person posed as a heterosexual one, as long as their significant other knew. But now I realize, that even if they know, that doesn't mean it's okay. No one wants to be the person in a relationship who gets the burden of being with a homosexual partner.

A fellow gay blogger came out to his wife recently (read about it here), and I strongly admire his courage and decision. And I am happy that they are figuring out how to make it work best for both of them. However, I have to feel a certain amount of pain for his wife. No one wants to be that girl.

PS- I apologize for the gender specificity of this post. I obviously realize that no one wants to be that guy either, who has a girlfriend or wife come out to them.

Frum, Confused and Engaged

Yesterday my Facebook read: "three weeks ago he *tried* to have cyber sex with me. today he's engaged to a woman." Just to clarify this individual, nor his fiance, are on Facebook, so there is no way for anyone to know who I'm talking about or for them to know there's a conversation going on about them. They are also not on onlysimchas, so no need to go searching.

Over the past few years of friendship with this person, just an acquaintance who I spoke to online sometimes or when I saw him around, turned into sexual conversation where he would ask me what type of things were considered "normal" (sexually) by secular social standards, by Modern Orthodox standards and by Orthodox standards. He had told me some of his struggles not sure what gender or sex he was attracted to, or how to live his life. He had attraction to women, men, and had sexual experiences with both. Often, the conversation would get too sexual and he would try to lead me into cyber-sex, which was not something I would do, he would get angry at me and I wouldn't hear from him for a few weeks until he felt lonely again. He asked me introduce him to my friends via the internet or phone, but I refused, not being comfortable with him approaching my friends, especially when he was so unclear of who he was himself. I recommended therapy, but he felt it was too taboo in his community, and I recommended speaking to a Rabbi or other leader and he said he wouldn't feel comfortable. This went on for about 8-9 months.

Our most recent conversation again began with him begging me to introduce him to a friend he could talk to about sexual things or just to help him with his loneliness, and eventually he tried to lead the conversation to places I was uncomfortable with, so it stopped and he again stopped talking to me for a few weeks. So yesterday he texts me with an apology for his behavior but I assure him I won't be setting him up to talk with any of my friends, and he responds he found an outlet for his loneliness, and frankly, his horniness, and that he was engaged. My concerns are for his wife- that he will be with her for the wrong reasons, that the community pressure has gotten to him. There is so much pressure in Orthodox and Modern Orthodox communities to get married at 22/23/24, that too many just rush into it. I also worry that he will get tired of her and cheat on her and worst case, bring home a virus of some sort because he will be fulfilling certain desires outside of his marriage. I hope this is not the case. I hope this is not what happens. Because I do not know where he is sexually or emotionally, I can't "break up" the relationship or anything. I have tried and tried to help him through his issues and tried to get him to see a more professional person, but he refuses. His life is now his, and I really do wish him and his wife luck in their future together.

A concern and area of struggle for me in all this, is knowing that I tried and failed, knowing that I really wanted to help him and speak with him and attempt to help him understand himself. I had no idea he was dating someone and I also have no idea how long he was dating her for. All I know is that he was hitting on me, attracted to men and women and not sure where his emotions lied. And it just doesn't feel good knowing that he's just getting married, as if that will make everything better.

One Hundred

This post is dedicated to my boyfriend who has changed my life so much, and makes me a better person every second of every minute of every day. For my one hundredth blog post, I’d like to, for the first time, write about being in a Frum and gay relationship. There’s a lot of work that goes into any relationship, and in my opinion, even more work in a gay relationship, and even more work in a religious and gay relationship.

I want to express some of the difficulty of being a Frum and gay couple. For me, it’s easy to parade around New York City holding his hand, being part of a couple like so many others. But with a Yarmulka on both our heads, it changes how people look at us. There’s the opportunity to make a tremendous Kiddush Hashem, or sanctification of God’s name, by being a happy gay and religious couple, although many more religious people would argue that it is a desecration of God’s name for me to be in a relationship in public. But for most in 2011 New York City people will say “Wow- even religious Jews can be homosexual and happy and in a relationship.” For others, it says- “Wow, homosexuality even exists in the Jewish community, who knew?” For others it says “Ew, gay people, what an abomination”. But for my friends and my community, and for his as well, I hope it says- I’m happy that they’re happy.

But within a religious community there is an added level of discomfort for a gay couple. It was one thing as a single person, but now it is likely that others will feel more uncomfortable because I’m in a relationship. A large percentage of my Orthodox friends have never interacted with a gay couple before, so comfort levels will vary and I acknowledge that. Do I act the way I want to act? Do I inhibit certain behaviors in front of certain friends? More so, it’s one thing for someone to stay in the closet and for me to out- and for both of us to interact, but it’s another thing for me to interact with my boyfriend in front of someone in the closet, and I would hate to cause them discomfort. But it’s my right to be who I am, and my right to be happy with my boyfriend.

As many other blog posts have ended, there’s a balancing act. Sometimes I can be however I want with my boyfriend, and sometimes I’m better off acting less like a couple in front of specific people. My boyfriend and I work to make sure no one is uncomfortable with us, but we also try to keep our own rights and happiness in mind.

The other side of the fence

I know I'm on the other side. And a good friend argued in his post HERE that it's easy to be on the other side looking in, which is true, but there is so much more to say. I know I represent a minority, not majority, of gay Orthodox Jews who have chosen to come out and be honest about their true feelings. But I don’t look back and judge those in the closet, and I empathize with their plight as I too have been there. But a situation of someone older than me, who has been struggling longer than me and who is in a more commitment-prone life stage, in a relationship with a guy but still dating girls does upset me, and I think I have that right to be upset by that.

Some say coming out is one of the most selfish things a person can do- and I agree. But in my case, I think it was selfish and also extremely selfless. Because there is a huge part of me that is so happy to be out, solely because of the impact and influence I can have on others. Call it haughty, call it egocentric,call it stupid, but I believe in inspiring people. And when I know people doing the more difficult and complex thing, by pretending to be something they are not for years longer than I have, I get upset. And no, they don’t have to come out- but think about the girls who meet the man of their dreams, but for come reason this man can’t love them back. And he gets frustrated that he still hasn’t found the right one. And he’s in “Shidduch Crisis” because he can’t meet his true soul mate. There’s a reason for that! Because it’s not going to be someone of the opposite gender.

I never push anyone out. If someone doesn’t want to come out of the closet, that is their right and choice. But for someone to continue dating girls, while in a relationship with a man “on the DL” is not fair to anyone involved, especially not the person themselves. And if someone does come out, it doesn’t mean that they can’t pursue relationships with a person of the opposite gender. Since I’ve come I have built many new relationships with women, and with every one of them I do think about what my feelings are and if they’re platonic or something more. Because no matter what I “identify” as, I know that I still have the right to decide what's best for me. And even in the closet, it’s one thing to know you have a strong relationship with a man and be okay with that, but don’t be scared to have feelings for a girl- and if you do follow through with them, but not at the same time you have stronger feelings for a man.

If a homosexual is giving himself the opportunity to be in a heterosexual relationship, that’s great, but give yourself the true opportunity to be invested in one relationship- be it a homosexual one or a heterosexual one. Don’t pretend you can pull off both.