Blogging for Me

When I came out, it wasn’t for anyone but myself. I came out to be true to who I was, because there was something inside of me that kept me from being myself around those I cared about most. Little did I know, coming out in the Orthodox community, and starting a blog, would change me forever.

Call me naïve, call me ignorant, call me what you will, but I honestly believed coming out wouldn’t change me at all. I was always gay; I was just letting people know at this point. I didn’t think about repercussions, but more than that, I didn’t think that there would even be repercussions. I didn’t think that within days I’d have numerous emails, text messages, and Facebook messages all with the same three words: “is it true?”

So I started a blog. I started a blog not to change the face of Orthodoxy and homosexuality, but simply so I could stop answering questions day in and day out- how’d you come out, why’d you come out, “is it true”. So instead, all those answers can be found in the last 120 or so postings. 

However, I soon learned an important lesson. Coming out was intended to be for me, to find my own inner peace, sense of self and happiness, and translate those emotions through my blog. Eventually, though, the blog transformed my coming out and my story, into the resource for all things religious and gay and I had all the answers and everyone should read my blog. The community began to talk and it became clear to me that what I had just done, changed the face of YU and of modern Orthodoxy because there had been so few who had done this before me.  

The greater impact of coming out was not on myself, but apparently, on those around me.  I let the blog take a life of it's own, and become a resource for those seeking answers. But there was never an intention to change the community or the world. And I lost sight of that after writing for a few months. I wrote as if I spoke for everyone, as if my word should change the world and as if I speak for all gay Jews. Looking back on this process, I understand now more than ever, that my writing is just for me and never intended to represent anyone else.

God Doesn't Challenge...

Recently I’ve come to the conclusions that haters are going to hate, no matter what. And usually there’s nothing you can do about it, but advocate the positive things you have to contribute instead of constantly responding to negative attacks. However, there is one constant phrase that plagued me while I was in the closet, and now follows me that I’m out. There is a popular Jewish/ philosophical concept: God doesn’t give someone a challenge they cannot overcome.

The first thing to understand is what is a challenge? Is being blind a challenge? I would say so. Is having a mental disorder a challenge? I would say yes to that as well. But is being a homosexual a challenge? From a religious perspective it certainly is, but from a sociological perspective it doesn’t have to be. But we’re on the religious page now. So if it is indeed a religious challenge, what does it mean to overcome it- To be a celibate person? To “cure” one’s sexuality? Those options don’t seem like “overcoming” anything. The deaf cannot fulfill numerous commandments of God that require listening, but are they told that God handed them a challenge and they must overcome it? No. They must do the best they can with what they were given.

I was given homosexuality. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t go looking for it, I just felt it. Overcoming the challenge of homosexuality, to me, even from a religious perspective, means getting to a place where it is no longer a challenge. Accepting, understanding and analyzing who you are and where your attractions lie, to me, is overcoming the challenge. As I have said so many times before, it’s very easy for someone who has not struggled with sexuality to say “get over it, God wouldn’t give you a challenge you couldn’t overcome”. But until the person saying that understands this particular issue, they never really have the right to say “get over it”.

Coming from someone who did face a challenge and struggled for so many years with sexuality, let ME tell YOU, I have overcome it.

Community

Recently, a new "wave" of Orthodox Judaism has come to light in my life, something that I know a lot of people are going to take issue with, but is still worth mentioning. I just would like to remind everyone to try and open their minds, as I have always done, and remember- live and let live- no one person, group or community has the right to judge another.

Halachic Orthodoxy is how I grew up.  Communities where everyone in it were assumed to be Orthodox by practice, keeping the law to Orthodox standards, and while some may be more strict than others, everyone belongs to one synagogue and is more or less on the same practicing religious level. Recently, however, I've noticed some things in a number of communities throughout the country, that has led me to come up with another category of Orthodoxy- communal Orthodoxy. In communal Orthodoxy, many grew up practicing Halachic Orthodoxy and some haven't, but everyone- whatever level of practicing they uphold- belong in this community.  It is an Orthodox community, but everyone has the right to uphold whatever standards of Orthodoxy they may or may not practice.

I know, "if people do this, it's not an Orthodox community". Or, "that's traditional, that's not Orthodox", or, "you can't pick and choose in Orthodox Judaism". And you may be right according to your own personal definitions of Orthodoxy, or your community's definition of Orthodoxy, but there are many people in an increasingly diverse world, that disagree. And there are many community's that are more and more willing to accept people in their doors, even if it's never expected of them to uphold Orthodox practices.  There's such a thing as Orthodox values, without upholding every letter of the law, or just wanting to be part of an Orthodox community without necessarily upholding every practice or Halacha that generic Orthodox communities have subscribed to or come to expect from their members.

And I'll tell you why I prefer these "communal" Orthodox communities, and it's not just because they should obviously be more accepting of LGBTQ members. It's because in general, most members of Orthodox communities are not upholding every letter of the law- but instead they go to synagogue and interact with so many others on the most superficial of levels, just pretending that they're all the same level of practicing Orthodox Jews. Instead, in some newer communities, I find that no one assumes anything about their friends, no one has the right to judge, and everyone is open to everyone else. Regardless of what specific laws they may or may not keep.  

High Holidays

My New Year's Resolution- to blog more consistently. I've been pretty good about posting four times a month, but I really want to try and get consistent with one blog post each week.

Anyway, on to the fun stuff. This holiday season causes a lot of trouble for a lot of people. A lot of people don't know how to face God on these days because of all the sins they've committed and because they haven't spoken with the Almighty in a while, and because aince we were little, at least my friends and I, were taught to be in fear of these days. Dread the long prayers, be fearful that God will slam his book shut and seal us in the Book of... notlife (is it the book of death? I don't think that was ever explained to me). This year, more than ever, I take the perspective of - what kind of religion is this? That taught us to fear our lives on it's holiest day? That taught us to pray and cry that all be forgiven for we are terrible people? No one is perfect, no Jew, no person, no one is perfect and no one is perfectly evil. So why do we sit there in shame and fear?

On Rosh Hashana- the day is simply about God. Acknowledging the divine presence in our lives, if we choose to do so, and remind ourselves and the Lord that we believe in the divine presence in our lives, whether or not we speak to God every day or whether or not we follow every law that Judaism prescribes for us.  On Yom Kippur, I have learned to acknowledge my wrongs, my shortcomings and the like. But I have also come to believe that God knows all these things I've done, God knows the inner workings of my heart, what I believe and what I do not believe, what I feel badly about and what I don't think was so terrible. And in Yom Kippur prayers I look for areas of my life that I'm not so proud of, things that need improvement, and places I can do better. And saying these things out loud, or silently to God, helps my introspective and growing process.

So on Rosh Hashanah I renew my connection to HaShem- I believe in the Almighty's existence and that I respect and understand God's presence in my life and in the world. and on Yom Kippur I look at my own actions and behaviors. Where I find fault, I admit them and think about how to improve them. Where I find good, I am thankful that there are areas of my life that don't need improving. And when I think about being gay and religious, I simply say "I'm doing the best I can". 

Protests

Here's the problem. The problem is many religious communities insist on being "amidst" others, to be "a light unto the nations" (a very Jewish concept) and exemplify Jewish way of life as the most befitting in God's eyes. Somewhere along the way, however, this was lost. Somewhere along the way, people decided not just to be a light for others, but to protest, to denounce and to look down upon others for simply being different.

Nowhere in the Torah does it say to look down on others. Does it say to watch over and protect other members of their own nation? Yes. Do many Jews feel the obligation to scold and scorn members of their own communities for wrongdoings? Yes. But the problem is that too many individuals and communities took it upon themselves to be the judge of others and to decide what is best for the rest of the world as well. We have Jews who protest their own Jewish companies because the companies support building a homeland in Israel. We have Jews who say that an innocent sweet boy was murdered because communities didn't protest gay marriage or because Jews let a convicted child molester from their own community go to jail, they are being punished by losing an innocent child. But forget about issues pertaining to their own communities, we have Jews who run out and protest civil gay marriage, when that's not their right, nor does it impact the way they practice their religion.

To me, this does not exemplify any aspect of Judaism or human decency. What ever happened to live and let live? I understand wanting one's own little bubble to be perfect, but individuals who violate one or two standards of "norm", established hundreds or thousands of years ago, should not be criticized as too often happens. In addition, when other people make decisions for their own lives, more religious communities simply have no right to protest or scorn or scold. It is simply a matter of human decency to let someone go about their life as they choose, and not protest it, especially when it doesn't directly impact them.

I know this post comes off as harsh, or as attacking, but it is simply meant to establish the way I feel about respect and equal rights for every person in this country and in this world - without judgment by "others".

Gay Marriage and Pride

Last Friday, history was made in New York State as the State Senate voted to become the sixth state in the US to legalize same-sex marriages. I found this out Shabbat morning as the paper was delivered and felt my heart swell with emotion as tears began to flow. It's a beautiful thing to know that one day, I will be able to have a New York "husband", even though I do know that I will never have an Orthodox Jewish marriage to a man. I know that we will be respected with the same rights every heterosexual couple has, taxes, insurance, employment benefits and the like- the things that I grew up knowing that every normal adult heterosexual couple has to deal with, are now relevant for homosexual couples as well. It helps me feel as "normal" as I know that I am.

Sunday morning I awoke and got down to Bryant Park where I met up with many gay friends- Orthodox and non-Orthodox, to have a bagel and cream cheese brunch followed by the New York City Pride Parade. The group of us stood by 34th for about an hour or two, watching gorgeous celebrations of men, women, children and the like, show their support and their pride for the lifestyle they lead. I got caught up in emotion as Governor Cuomo, a proponent of same-sex marriage, passed by, and the crowd roared with cheers of thanks and excitement, for a politician who actually kept to his promise. The tears began to flow once again, and only continued as a car passed by with Dan Savage, and his partner Terry Miller, the founders of the "It Gets Better" project. From a distance, they noticed the contingency of Yarmulkes on the side and held up a sign that said "thank you" and pointed it at us.

Soon Congregation Beit Simchat Torah, the largest Jewish LGBT congregation in New York, passed by with their float and members of JQ Youth ran out into the streets to dance with them. I was particularly encouraged to march with a flag I borrowed from a friend- a pride flag with a Jewish star in the middle, brought directly from Tel-Aviv. The march was invigorating and exciting as onlookers were shocked to see religious individuals and people celebrating religion while celebrating their sexuality. I posed for hundreds of cameras who simply pointed to the flag in awe. By the end, my feet were killing me but my heart was full. I understood the word "pride"- from a Jewish sense and a gay sense.



Last year, I couldn't bring myself to march. I thought it was inappropriate, I thought religion and sexuality could never be mixed. But as I have grown over the past few years, the two have finally seemed to find a resting place within me, and I couldn't be more proud.

Every Step I Take

Why do I do it?
I've often questioned the reasons why I stay Orthodox. And for a while, I had little to no answer. The community tries to reject me, leaders put me down, and people consistently disappoint me in the Orthodox world. So why do I put myself through this? Reasons in the past have included family, friends, just because it was all I had ever known- I didn't want it to change.

However, last week I celebrated Shavuot, commemorating the day God gave the Torah to the Jewish people. I heard a unique perspective that help me put something into words that I was never able to articulate before. I realized that while various aspects of what laws to keep and what defines "Orthodoxy" are confusing to the nth degree, being Orthodox, and identifying myself as such helps me feel part of a bigger picture. Each day I am able to belong to a strong movement of people, to a larger nation that believes in something, that has a passion and commitment that has lasted close to 6,000 years. Being Orthodox makes every step I take purposeful. Almost everything I do has the ultimate goal of betterment of myself, of humanity, and of the Jewish nation. I have the goal of being close to God at the forefront of my mind, and it's something I wouldn't trade for anything else.

I believe in God, I believe in Judaism, I have pride in that and couldn't imagine my life not being Orthodox. It doesn't seem like an option. For the first year or so of being out, I would say I struggled greatly with whether or not I was going to be religious and how I could go to a gay bar with a yarmulka. But then I envisioned a life without a yarmulka and that was an even scarier thought. It was a process and it took time.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

One Thing

In a recent interview that can be found HERE, I was asked two very difficult questions that I will go into this post and the next post. Shout out to the awesome YU Beacon and my interviewer for letting me share this.

I was asked if there was one thing I could tell the Orthodox community, for all to know, what would it be. Coming to the answer to this question took some time. There is so much I want the Orthodox community to know- that I want to have a “normal” life like the rest of them, that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m any different from them, that I plan on living an Orthodox lifestyle to the best of my ability, that being gay was not planned, expected, or asked for- but none of these were really just one thing for me to tell the community, so here’s what I went with:

"That being gay is not a choice. It’s not something I ever wished for, and not something I strive to push on anyone who is uncomfortable with it."

I did not choose to be gay or ask for it or beg for my life to be more difficult. I wished and cried for the opposite. I simply tried to live a “normal” modern Orthodox life, like all my friends, but found myself attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite. After too much pain and struggle, I realized that just because I was gay, I was not going to allow that to stop me from living the “normal” modern Orthodox life; I just hope to do it with a man instead of a woman. Being gay, for almost all individuals struggling is not a choice- if it were, why would we choose the other path? Why would we want to go against the Torah? Why would we beg and plead for communities to accept us for who we are?

This is something the Orthodox community needs to recognize, because too often people are cast aside or hurt and not accepted. Why? Because it's viewed as something that is more or less in our control, and it's not. Just like a heterosexual's attraction towards women is not in their control, so too for the homosexual, the attraction is not in their control. For all these reasons I had to use this one thing to tell the Orthodox community- being gay is almost always not a choice. Just some food for thought.

Eshel

This past weekend, I had the unbelievable pleasure of attending the first every LGBT Orthodox Shabbaton, known as Eshel. This shabbaton featured discussion of sexuality and religion, what it means to be LGBT and Jewish, and how to build and develop a community. It was really one of the best weekends of my life. As Shabbat ended, I had the pleasure of giving a Torah thought from that week's portion, and the blessings of Havdallah. I wanted to share with you (a summary of) my words:

This week is Parshat Yitro, which contains the 10 commandments. While so many look at this as a burden of our religion, I look at it as the essence of our people. There’s the moral code- how to treat one’s parents, neighbors, what one can or cannot do in regards to others as well as a spiritual code- how to keep Shabbat, and honor God. It's not one or the other, but both.

Next, the Haftarah refers to Isaiah’s vision of God and sent by Him on a mission. Isaiah feels he’s from a nation of sin and not worthy to be talking to God, at which point an angel touches his lips with coal to purify him of sin. But what sin was he guilty of that he committed with his lips? The commentators explain that the sin of Isaiah was calling God’s nation impure. He had no right to say he was from an impure nation and God cleansed him of that sin before sending him on any mission.

Growing up a gay Orthodox Jew is not easy for anyone. I just wanted to be accepted. And why? Because too many people decided it was their place to decide what does or does not constitute a sinner, like Isaiah erred. I made up my mind in senior year of high school to give it all up, and leave Judaism forever; it was the only option. But after a year and a half of studying in Israel while ignoring my sexuality, I understood how to develop my relationship with God without worrying about one aspect of who I was. In addition, I learned that there are so many interpretations and understandings of the Torah, that no one person could ever tell what exactly the precise understanding of the text is. No one could ever claim that we are a nation of sinners, because no one could ever know that- except God.

When I came out two and a half years ago, I knew my sexuality was a bigger part of me than I had ever realized. However, I also realized that this balancing act of sexuality and religion was not unfamiliar. It was just like trying to figure out how to approach God but still fit in with the rest of the world. Life is a balancing act, especially as a Jew. We have an obligation to the Torah and we also have an obligation to every one around us. Does this mean that one thing should override another? No. Never. Our time on Earth is not just about our relationship with God, or just about our relationship with man- it’s about both. It’s about the balancing act of how we can do the best we can in this religion.

No one else in the world has the right to tell us who we are or how we should behave. All we know how to do is our best; is balance this complicated Torah with our complexities as human beings. Isaiah was wrong for judging God’s people, as so many like to tell us that it’s not possible to be religious and gay- but as God taught Isaiah- they have no right to tell us what is or is not possible, it's simply up to us to do the best balancing act that we can.

Resolution

I know it's lame to call my first post of the New Year resolution, but instead of just being angry, I would like to suggest that we all resolve a few things for the new year.

Apparently, it is common for members of my "loving" and "supportive" community to question my roommates- past and present- about living with a gay guy. Won't it be weird? What if he, like, y'know, tries stuff? Thank God I have actual loving and supportive roommates who make me feel incredible about being in this community, where I so often feel and fear that I don't belong. I was so nervous to move to a new community because I didn't think I'd find anyone who would live with me. I thank my close friends in a addition to my roommates, for always making me feel part of a world that tries so hard to reject me.

But even when I think progress is being made and the community is opening it's mind a little bit, while I know it is, it's so hard to continue on when you know that behind your back, everyone asks "won't it be weird living with a gay guy". Hey world- wake up! I'm just like everyone else, with attractions only to certain people, with the ability to control my desires and needs- and not the audacity or tastelessness to hit on any living male creature.

Anyway, I'm annoyed that people still question my ability to be a normal person. But on a similar level, any friends that are supportive of me and the community also get questioned- are they gay too? Otherwise, why would they be so supportive? The notion that someone supporting a friend or a community with the need for support gets judged for trying to be a good person is one of the worst qualities of judgment.

So I challenge those in the Orthodox world- and those outside of it- to open their minds in the new year and realize that not only can I belong, but I am just like everyone else. To make the resolution to not just "be tolerant" but to accept anyone for who they are- regardless of their personal sexual preference or because of who they support.

The Third Option

Hey, I would like to clarify a point I've made in the past, but that doesn't seem to be sticking with my readers.
I'm not obsessed with marriage. I discuss it so often because it comes up so often. My society, the Orthodox Jewish community is obsessed with (heteronormative) marriage, so I feel the need to discuss it fairly often. Thankfully, I have learned how to have a good outlook and stay positive about the issue although it comes up almost daily how a man should marry a woman.

Now, for most of my life I have been a very black-and-white person. Things were either one way or the other, with little room for gray area in between. I have tried to avoid that behavior and leave room for new ideas in my life, but I don't always succeed. I'm open to hearing that the only way for me to be happy is to give up being religious or to give up being gay. However, I promise you I've thought about it. I promise you I've gone through the motions of giving up one or the other- and neither makes sense to me. I know you might not understand my desire to remain religious, and I don't understand it so clearly either, but I know it's right for me. I also know it's right for me to be gay. So there they are- two areas that conflict. A black and a white. So I chose the gray.

Two years ago a friend came to me, struggling, wondering what he should do with the struggle of religion and homosexuality. We discussed the options and he said- "but if I come out, I have to give up my Frumkeit, (religiousness) and I can't do that." Suddenly it dawned on me. Who said so? Who said that if you are homosexual you have to give up religion and who says if you're religious you have to give up homosexuality? God says certain things, the laws and their interpretations says certain things, society says certain things but why can't I say something for myself? There had to be another option, I couldn't pick one or the other. So two weeks later I came out of the closet and chose the third option- to be a Frum gay Jew.

"Chupah"

Something on my mind almost daily is why I am gay. Was I born that way? Did I develop that way naturally? Did outside influences play a role in my development into a gay person. I ask this not because it plagues me a hurts me. I just think about it generically, because I know regardless of the answer that I am gay, for whatever reason. I do ask this from a religious perspective.

Why would God create someone who was gay if he commands us not to be gay? That makes little sense, and every Rabbi and Torah scholar today agrees- it makes no sense, but yet, it's true. Did He want us to go through so much hardship and pain trying to figure out our lives? I do think He played a role in my development as a gay person and I do think He loves me today, regardless of what laws in the Torah I do or do not uphold. Something that hits me in this religion is at every Bris , curcumcision "party" eight days after a baby boy is born, and many times over the course of a Jewish child's lifetime the congregation and community constantly say the phrase "L'Torah, Chupah Umaasim Tovim" , Bible study, a wedding (canopy), and good deeds.

My life, and the life of every Orthodox Jewish child, and even non-Orthodox, revolves around getting married. It's built in to our lives from the first ritual- a baby naming or circumcision- and repeated throughout. If God created me as gay, how could He also create a religion that revolves around marriage in the traditional sense of man and woman? I don't get a Chupah , a wedding canopy and I'm learning to be okay with that, even though it hurts. But the constant need to mention it in to my every day life, culture and existence, makes it hurt so much more.

Whaddya Want From Me

As a post- Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur post, the Jewish holidays about starting a clean slate in a new year, a questions that has been plaguing me for a while comes to mind. What does God want from me? As a gay Orthodox Jew- does he want me to be alone for the rest of my life? Does he want me to go through endless hours of therapy that are highly unlikely to succeed?

And bigger than this- as I prayed on Yom Kippur I thought- what does He want from us? As a Jewish nation in the 21st century with technologies beyond people's wildest imaginations and capabilities, sexuality and sexual promiscuity rampant and dominating our cultures worldwide, what does He want from us? Should we shelter ourselves in the depths of Brooklyn and Lakewood and Bnei Brak, or do we encourage ourselves to grow and learn from the world around us, and challenge ourselves to remain faithful to God in a world that whose basic principles seem to go against everything Judaism holds dear?

The Torah, and more specifically- it's laws as decided by the Rabbi's- were decided in a completely different society and culture. PRayers were written for a different population to say. Unfortunately, today, our leaders don't feel close enough to understanding laws to allow law to be brought truly into a modern context or change things that were decided hundreds, if not thousands of years ago. I'm not calling for change of the Torah, or the laws uphelp by the Rabbi's. But I am calling for an understanding- and the room to believe, that not every single thing decided so long ago is relevant today. And of certain people feel strongly that God wants XYZ, while the community has been holding ABC, it's their right to do XYZ. Not just because they want to, but because they feel it's what God meant for the world today. Because every law made by a Rabbi is simply a Rabbi deciding what GOd wants from the world today, and we all listen to the Rabbis. But when it comes down to it- no one has divine inspiration today, no one talks to God, and therefore no one can command something of another as far as their relationship with God and upholding of the Torah.

I stopped in the middle of my Yom Kippur prayers, closed my eyes and said "God, we don't know what to do. We haven't had a divine inspiration in thousands of years, and we, as your nation, are just trying to figure out what you want from us in this world today- the 21st century. Forgive your people for the ways they may have misinterpreted your laws or did not uphold what you intended, we are all just trying our best- and will continue to do so."

Change, part 2

Here's a post a lot of you have been waiting for, for a while. I beg your indulgence and for your respect and thoughtfulness in posting comments, especially the anonymous ones. I will not be responding to comments.

The organization Jews Offering New Alternatives to Healing (formerly Homosexuality), known as JONAH, is a very controversial subject in the gay Jewish community, but more so in the broad Jewish community, especially the religious ones. The first line of defense for many children who speak to their parents about homosexuality is JONAH. This is for numerous reasons, one, they advertise in prominent Jewish papers that many parents read, and two, because the last thing a religious Jewish parent, or many non-religious Jewish parents want is a gay child. However, often the parents don't know the facts before sending their children to such an organization. I respect those who have worked hard within the JONAH program, and those who have come through it successfully, and know and believe that change is possible for specific individuals.

However, and I will only speak for myself, I feel it would do more harm than good. The reason I never posted about this before is because I never went through the system, so I felt inappropriate commenting on it. However, I currently find myself close with many people who have gone through the system- most unsuccessfully, some successfully- and I feel I know more about certain things. Without going into detail, there are multiple aspects of the JONAH program that would make me hate myself more than love myself, and it's taken me too long to get to this point in my life for me to go back and erase what I've accomplished. Further, I've seen people go through this therapy for ten years, and still not come out "healed", and that's not something I'm willing to risk. I'm pretty damn gay, and I know it.

I purposely did not go in to detail about their therapies and I won't. But lastly, I have to take up one issue in this time of repentance for the Jewish people. JONAH claims that they are true repentance for homosexuality. That it is any gay Jews obligation, in this time of year, to repent- and the only way to repent is to join their organization. This is false. This is wrong. This is not true, nor is it their program director's decision as to what God believes is repentance and what is not. That is between a Jew and God, not with other people in between making decisions. I believe, that with a full heart I go to God every year and ask for repentance on how I have served Him inappropriately and the wisdom to serve Him only properly in the future.

May we all be blessed with a year of true happiness.

The Secret Life

Hey, I'm really excited it's September, b/c I have at least 5 topics to discuss, some revolving around the new year, some revolving around gay life in general, and, our favorite, the struggle of homosexuality and Orthodoxy.

I get facebook friend requests almost daily- not from people I know, but from generic, and clearly fake names representing fake Facebook accounts. Who are these people and why do they friend me? They're almost all religious Jews, who are hiding in the closet. Some young, some old, some married, some single- and they create these fake accounts in order to have an outlet for their sexual identity. Some are very flamboyant, openly "liking" gay porn sites or porn stars, others are just trying to exist and friend religious gay Jews that they've heard of so they don't feel so alone. I get frustrated easily with these individuals because I feel that they're only making their lives harder by creating a separate facebook. Not only do they have to live in secret that they are attracted to members of the same gender, but they literally create a secret identity- a whole other person, as an outlet for their secrets. They're teasing themselves with a life they wish they could lead.

Some of them are creepy- simply looking for sex and don't know how to go about finding it- and feel the need to stalk facebook for the gay Jews and their friends. Others are curious as to what the gay Jewish world is like and what it can provide them. It is a useful tool as a gateway to the gay Jewish world, meeting new people, facebook chatting to get an idea of what openly gay Jews are like, and perhaps meet some of us and slowly become more comfortable with who they are. Unfortunately, many just resign to the fact that they will always be alone, suffering, in pain. I have come to understand recently that they may not choose to be in the closet, its just that they cannot ever be gay, even thought they know they are attracted to people of the same gender. They know it, but coming out or admitting it openly is not an option- it's just not an option.

I salute those who have the courage to be "not just another email address" and empathize with those who still feel the need to hide behind an anonymous name, and feel legitimately badly for those who feel they don't have an option- and challenge them to just try and question that thinking.

Statement

For those of you that haven't seen it, (what are you- living under a rock?):
http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/

I had a lot of emotions racing through me when this was released- I read through each paragraph with a fine-toothed comb, and to see names of many Rebbeim who I admire and respect on the signature list, and started to tear up a bit. Then I shared with the world. I am happy. I am proud. I feel like I finally belong in places where, honestly, I was scared to enter because of how the sommunity would judge me. But now I know that the Orthodox community- or at least their leaders are no long judging, and are willing to accept the struggles of a homosexual in the Orthodox world, and understand the difficult things we go through.

Portions that struck me in a good way- gay Jews have the right to belong to a congregation and make it their community, gay Jews have the right to refrain from seeking out reparative therapy if they feel it would be more harmful than helpful, children of gay couples should be accepted fully, and that gay Jews should not be encouraged to marry members of the opposite gender. All these values that are unfortunately not approached properly in other communities, and that many Rabbi's do not believe belong in the Orthodox world for whatever reason. But everyone on that list does believe it.

When asked what the next step after the YU Panel should be- this is it. This is the step that was/is needed for the gay Orthodox Jewish population. Awareness, sensitivity and acceptance into the communities we have always called home. All I wish for now is more and more Orthodox leaders to sign on in order to continue the strength displayed by the Orthodox community in releasing this statement.

And for those who asked, I wouldn't change anything about this letter. Not. One. Thing.

The Baby and the Bathwater

There's an expression that really didn't resonate with me until recently: "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater". As silly as it sounds, it is far too true. Different components of Judaism all too often spend a lot of time preaching various aspects of Halacha- and often time they pick one to preach to the exclusion of many others. This forces a strong commitment to many of the stringencies in Halacha, to the exclusion of many less stringent, but just as important laws. More than that, when a Jew finds himself struggling with the stringencies of a commandment, he's all too likely to throw out the entire commandment than to just stop following the stringencies.

As some examples, there are people who think just because they throw out Shomer Negiah, they should begin having sex. THere are a lot of levels between the two, and a lot more problems Halachically with having sex then there is just touching a member of the opposite gender. A less intense example, but equally as important, would be the commandment of Tzitzit- many people feel the need to wear the wool ones, and since those are too heavy- they'd rather wear nothing at all than just get a lighter fabric. And the ultimate example- a person who struggles with his sexuality, and feels he can't reconcile it with his religion may simply just throw out the religion.

Personally, my sexuality and religion don't fit together. But I know that I cannot throw out the baby just because I need to drain the bathwater. I know that I should start wearing Tzitzit again because the commandment isn't for a wool pair, it's just for a simple four cornered garment. And everyone should make sure that their struggle with a commandment or two or all 613, isn't over a stringency that has been misconstrued to be the entity of the commandment, and perhaps focus on going back to the basics.

Independence and Conformity

When I was in high school I felt that doing anything remotely Jewish meant subscribing to this whole world that I hated so much. It also meant that I wasn't my own person and everyone would think that I was just another Jew. Throughout college I've been attempting to internalize that there is so much more to a person than their religious beliefs or their community- and there is no way that any two people can be exactly the same.

There's an important component to our religion, some may argue the most important component, and that's community. We have an obligation to be part of the community, to contribute to the Jewish lives we all live, and make it feel that none of us are alone by constantly reenforcing being part of one nation. Unfortunately, the Jewish community creates labels, stereotypes, and establishes who you are based on where you pray, or how you keep the Torah based on where you live. While those labels suck, it's important to focus on the better parts of it- like feeling included as part of a whole.

Just by observing commandments, a person doesn't have to worry that they are being "just like everyone else". Going to the same high school, or colleges, or living in the same communities and following the same laws- doesn't mean that a person is not an individual. It just means that they are part of a whole. But every person within the whole can still be an individual. They can build their own connection to God and have their own styles, taste in music, and everything. Don't be scared to be part of a community, just because it comes with labels and stereotypes. Seek to be your own person while still feeling part of a greater whole.

In my head

It will always be there, it will always be in the back of my mind. As happy, as confident, as controlled as I try to be, it will always be there. The dissonance of being Orthodox and Gay.

I bring this up now in light of last week's Torah portions, the two verses that contain the prohibition towards the physical actions of anal sex and homosexuality, as they bring up mixed emotions when I hear it read in shul. Part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to stand there in pride that I can be Orthodox and hear these verses read, but then I wonder what kind of pride is it to know that the way I want to live my life violates Halacha? They are two mixed emotions. And yes, there are ways to interpret the verses to make someone feel not as guilty, but I'm not about reinterpreting things. I try to be as honest with myself and my religion and my sexuality.

On that note, I do plan on staying away from anal sex for the duration of my lifetime, with God's help, which is something I avoided posting on here for a while, because I felt it too personal. But after standing in Shul, I knew I needed to discuss things further. So I take comfort in hopefully not violating the Issur Deoraysa (Torah prohibition), but still feel the angst in my mind of a life that will never be perfectly okay according to Halacha.

Psych

As a psych student, I often attempt to merge the schools of thoughts found in the Torah I try to study, and the psychology classes I have taken. How much of Torah takes into account the thoughts and feelings of true human nature?

One of my favorite things of Judaism is the mourning process. The Torah allows for the most natural and safest way for a person to heal after the death of a loved one- allowing a day without Mitzvot until the body is buried, a week of purging- for all emotions and feelings to be expressed. Then a month of remembrance and a 30-day gathering to really heal and remember the good. Finally a year long expression of love and prayer through Kaddish. SO as to never forget the pain that uou have experienced and how to express to Hashem your love for Him and have Him take care of the soul of the departed.

However, I do recognize that often time Halacha seems so out of touch with reality. Like the feelings of pain and anguish I feel over the prospect of spending a life alone as the Rabbi's would want, although that's not my plan. And when human beings try to do the best they can to cope and enjoy life in the world, while sometimes Torah seems to only want us to focus on the world to come and do everything here to make our reward greater there. How does the Torah address social conformity, peer pressure, and the 'struggles' of the 21st century of guarding your eyes and guarding your tongue when there seems to be evil all around us- that's up to us to do our best, but it would have been nice to have more of a guidance, like in the laws of mourning. Torah can be practical, Torah can be out there, we have to figure out a way to make it all work in our lives.