Blogging for Me

When I came out, it wasn’t for anyone but myself. I came out to be true to who I was, because there was something inside of me that kept me from being myself around those I cared about most. Little did I know, coming out in the Orthodox community, and starting a blog, would change me forever.

Call me naïve, call me ignorant, call me what you will, but I honestly believed coming out wouldn’t change me at all. I was always gay; I was just letting people know at this point. I didn’t think about repercussions, but more than that, I didn’t think that there would even be repercussions. I didn’t think that within days I’d have numerous emails, text messages, and Facebook messages all with the same three words: “is it true?”

So I started a blog. I started a blog not to change the face of Orthodoxy and homosexuality, but simply so I could stop answering questions day in and day out- how’d you come out, why’d you come out, “is it true”. So instead, all those answers can be found in the last 120 or so postings. 

However, I soon learned an important lesson. Coming out was intended to be for me, to find my own inner peace, sense of self and happiness, and translate those emotions through my blog. Eventually, though, the blog transformed my coming out and my story, into the resource for all things religious and gay and I had all the answers and everyone should read my blog. The community began to talk and it became clear to me that what I had just done, changed the face of YU and of modern Orthodoxy because there had been so few who had done this before me.  

The greater impact of coming out was not on myself, but apparently, on those around me.  I let the blog take a life of it's own, and become a resource for those seeking answers. But there was never an intention to change the community or the world. And I lost sight of that after writing for a few months. I wrote as if I spoke for everyone, as if my word should change the world and as if I speak for all gay Jews. Looking back on this process, I understand now more than ever, that my writing is just for me and never intended to represent anyone else.

Challenge Everything

This post is dedicated to Eric James Borges, 19, and Phillip Parker, 14, the two most recent victims of bullying and anti-gay sentiment.

Being gay makes a person question everything. A lot of people assume that when one comes out of the closet, they automatically go “off the Derech”, or lose their religiosity/ most of the Jewish practices they had previously kept. While I may not have left the community, anyone who knows me, or anyone who has read the Blog for the past two and a half years, knows that I have changed, and yes, have become what many would call “less” religious.

Why is there this perceived trend? Not because it’s not true- it really is true that most people will leave their Orthodox communities and change many of their beliefs and practices once they come out of the closet. I used to think this was because they felt rejected from orthodoxy. And while this does have something to do with it, I want to posit something a bit deeper. Being gay, acknowledging that there is a part of you, created by God or developed as you grew up, that inherently desires you to act against religion makes you question why and how this is possible. One is forced to acknowledge the possibility that the Torah, at the very least, has been misinterpreted over the past few thousand years, or maybe even be wrong, and that makes you change your thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

How can a person be gay and religious? How can God create someone gay, or develop a gay identity within a person and then tell them that they cannot act on it? This question rocks so much of the foundation of everything the Orthodox community raised me to believe. For that reason many of my gay friends and I will all question things about religion that we hadn’t before acknowledging our sexuality.  I question how accurate the Rabbis were in their interpretations and what biases were brought into the Talmud and codified law. Many others in today’s world think and question the same way, but for myself, and maybe for other gay people as well, it’s the underpinning of being gay that drives these questions. These questions that make a person rethink every law, not just the law and interpretation of homosexuality. For anyone that's ever experienced the dissonance with the Torah- that a part of their being and who they are is delegitimized by the Torah, they understand what I'm talking about.

And if they haven't experienced such a challenge, they cannot possibly understand what those who have go through. As I have written about many times before- it is not any one person's place to judge another person's thoughts or behaviors about religion, especially when they are not in that person’s exact shoes.

Hide and Seek

It's that time again- where Ely posts rants and angry blog posts that stir up a lot of people and cause trouble, because I'm actually speaking from my heart. Well it's been a while since I've done that, so here goes again.

Rant One- Being fake. I can't stand being fake, but I am. And all my friends are, and I feel like most of my community is, and there are only a few people who I trust to not be that way. Most of us lie, we hide things, we're not honest about our true selves because we're scared of what other people will think of us. Everyone tiptoes around each other and pretends to be happy just to avoid the judgment of their so called "friends".  Well let me tell you something, if they judge you, they're not your real friends. If they look down on you for one behavior or another, they're not your real friends. And I find this in every corner of my community. People pretending to be something they're not just to please others. I thought when I came out of the closet that my biggest secret was out there, and I would never have to hide anymore. But that's not true. I hide things on a daily basis, and it sucks.

Rant Two- Assumptions. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Everyone loves making assumptions about each other. This boy and this girl have been seen together twice and therefore they must be a couple. This gay guy is really good friends with this straight person, and therefore, the straight person must actually be gay. Well, it's not always that simple. So however much society likes to group people or box things into neat little packages in order to better understand them, they're usually and most often WRONG. They hurt people by making accusations, they spread rumors and gossip and it only makes people suffer.

So I guess these two connect. In an ideal world- Everyone would stop being fake. If people are finally able to show their true selves, and speak out about who they are, maybe some of the judgments will stop.  If we no longer lie, and hide, to accept others for who they are, then others will stop having to label and assume things which are wrong.  But this world is not ideal, and the Orthodox Jewish community is certainly not. So I suggest, try and be yourselves, try and find a community and friends where you feel the absolute most comfortable to be yourself. And stop trying to label others, stop assuming what's going on in someone else's life and realize that if people want you to know something, hopefully they'll tell you. But if they don't, it is NOT your place to judge.

The Center of the Universe (pt. I)

I’ve heard people- straight and gay- say that the problem with gay people is that they’re self centered. They think they’re the center of the universe and that everything revolves around them, and everyone must change who they are to accept gay people. And every political debate, and every parade, must be about gay people.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but here’s my perspective on a communal level. The gay community does not see itself as anything special. The gay community is just full of pride. To better understand, many gay people have felt rejection their whole lives. They’ve felt unaccepted and pushed away from friends, family and loved ones. So given the opportunity to build and be part of a community that accepts who you are, will develop a sense of pride and strength, to finally feel “normal” and “accepted” like everyone else.

So that’s step one. Pride, and parades, are about being part of a community with love and respect for each other, as opposed to the hurt and pain so many have suffered. Secondly is the political level. Are people self centered when they sue for discrimination against company who doesn’t let women or African Americas make over a certain figure, and only allows white people or men into the upper-echelons of the organization? No, of course not. In 2011, everyone is equal. And gay people are as well, but the government has yet to recognize it. Gay people fight for discrimination policies in the work place, and the right to legally partner with someone they love.

So why are these rights, afforded to every human being, women ~100 years ago and African Americans ~50 years ago, make the gay community self-centered when we try to achieve them?

Come back next week for a more personal narrative on being “self-centered”.

Frum Gay Marriage

I readily acknowledge, as most people do, that their communities and cultures impact decisions they make in their lives. For some people, it's at what age to get married, for some people it's what standards of dress to adhere to. These are things we look to society to help us decide how to behave or appropriate etiquette. As I take steps in my life, and as I take steps in my relationship, I often find myself wondering what is the Frum and gay society? What are the standards and "norms" that can help inform the decisions I make in my own life? And I know the answer, there are none. Since being Frum and gay is very unique, there is no societal norm or cultural standards to help decisions I need to make.

For one example, there is the issue of marriage. In most Frum communities, marriage is expected of a couple anywhere from the ages of 21-24. After that is fine, but generally many people put the most pressure on themselves during that stage in their lives because society dictated it. In the gay world, the emphasis on marriage is later in one's life, usually a person's early thirties. So which standards should I be adhering to? Religious people get married out of love, and in order for it to be socially acceptable for them to be sharing a life and a home as part of the religious community they must get married. But a religious gay person has no standards for how and when or even if the community will accept them as a couple.

An blogger this week, found here (Loveless Marriages), argues that secular marriages revolve around love and intimacy while Jewish marriages revolve more around community and family, and for this reason, it may not be such a bad idea for same-sex attracted men and women to marry each other as part of continuing our communities and traditions. In addition, the author hypothesizes that this is why secular marriages breakup, while more religious marriages stay together- because of community. I strongly disagree with this, and felt my opinion complements what I have written above.

To build the foundation of a marriage simply on community and platonic love, is not enough to sustain it, in my opinion.  What it takes is community and intimate love, together. Frum and gay people need to start building standards and setting norms to support each other. It is extremely confusing for a gay man or gay woman in the orthodox community, and while pressures to adhere to norms are strong, I think (yes, my own opinion) that everyone needs love and intimacy to sustain a marriage- even religious people- and for that reason, opposite-sex homosexuals marrying one another is not a solution, but only perpetuates the problem of orthodox Jews unwilling to address the issues of gay people in the community. 

Community

Recently, a new "wave" of Orthodox Judaism has come to light in my life, something that I know a lot of people are going to take issue with, but is still worth mentioning. I just would like to remind everyone to try and open their minds, as I have always done, and remember- live and let live- no one person, group or community has the right to judge another.

Halachic Orthodoxy is how I grew up.  Communities where everyone in it were assumed to be Orthodox by practice, keeping the law to Orthodox standards, and while some may be more strict than others, everyone belongs to one synagogue and is more or less on the same practicing religious level. Recently, however, I've noticed some things in a number of communities throughout the country, that has led me to come up with another category of Orthodoxy- communal Orthodoxy. In communal Orthodoxy, many grew up practicing Halachic Orthodoxy and some haven't, but everyone- whatever level of practicing they uphold- belong in this community.  It is an Orthodox community, but everyone has the right to uphold whatever standards of Orthodoxy they may or may not practice.

I know, "if people do this, it's not an Orthodox community". Or, "that's traditional, that's not Orthodox", or, "you can't pick and choose in Orthodox Judaism". And you may be right according to your own personal definitions of Orthodoxy, or your community's definition of Orthodoxy, but there are many people in an increasingly diverse world, that disagree. And there are many community's that are more and more willing to accept people in their doors, even if it's never expected of them to uphold Orthodox practices.  There's such a thing as Orthodox values, without upholding every letter of the law, or just wanting to be part of an Orthodox community without necessarily upholding every practice or Halacha that generic Orthodox communities have subscribed to or come to expect from their members.

And I'll tell you why I prefer these "communal" Orthodox communities, and it's not just because they should obviously be more accepting of LGBTQ members. It's because in general, most members of Orthodox communities are not upholding every letter of the law- but instead they go to synagogue and interact with so many others on the most superficial of levels, just pretending that they're all the same level of practicing Orthodox Jews. Instead, in some newer communities, I find that no one assumes anything about their friends, no one has the right to judge, and everyone is open to everyone else. Regardless of what specific laws they may or may not keep.  

The Struggle, pt. III

I've grown. I'll admit it and I'm proud of it. I've grown so much over the past few years, and as this post marks my second year of the blog, I'll admit that things have changed; that I've changed, that the community has changed, that life got a lot better. And I am extremely thankful for the love and support of those around me.

But it's not over. The struggle isn't over because I've found a semblance of peace and happiness. Because sometimes, I still feel off. Sometimes, I still feel out of place. I feel alone. Not because I am alone, but because I live in a community that sometimes makes me feel alone. It's not that I want acceptance- I have that. It's not that I want a relationship- I have one. But when it comes down to it, the Orthodox Jewish community is a heterocentric hub with 2000 years of tradition. Almost always, men will marry women in Orthodox communities. Shabbat tables will discuss the latest boy-girl couples and engagements and weddings. And I can't change that. But I also can't change who I am. Am I selfish for expecting everyone to help me feel comfortable? Perhaps. But no matter how much my straight friends love me, I will always feel different. No matter how much of a place I have in my community, I will never feel like I fully belong.

There are times when I get hugs from my friends and wonder- will they hug their children if one day their kids come out of the closet? There's so much more growth and work to be done because in reality, while my community has accepted me, have they accepted homosexuality? The answer is obviously no. And the answer probably will be no for a long time, and that's a really hard fact for me to face. That's another aspect of feeling alone, that I am alone in being accepted, that there are so few Orthodox gay Jews out there who are happy and comfortable in their communities.

I was warned about this years ago, when gay friends told me I would never be able to stay in the community I love so much. I was warned that I would feel out of place or rejected. Thank God I didn't. And I don't. I know my friends love me and my community loves me. But that doesn't help me feel like everyone else, because I will never be like everyone else. There are neighborhoods and communities out there where majority of the population is gay, or it's 50/50, and that's when someone doesn't feel alone. But when someone goes against their society's created standard for "normal" (ie- being Frum and gay), they will feel alone.  And that's part of the dissonance, discomfort and disparity of being gay in a Frum community.

Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day. A day where activists and LGBT organizations all across the country urge those who are suffering or struggling, fearful of insecurity and rejection, to come out. I wish everyone a happy coming out day- for those who feel it applies to them. I have always said that I never advocate someone coming out unless they feel it's the best thing for them to do.

With that in mind, I now want to mention that many people don't come out- not because of fear of rejection or fear of the unknown, but because of the stigma associated with it. So many people assume that "coming out" means they suddenly need to act a certain way, behave a certain way, dress a certain way and march in their local Pride Parade. This does not have to be the truth. Coming out doesn't mean any of that. Coming out simply means acknowledging who you are, and understanding that part of you or all of you is same-sex attracted. That's all it means. Where you go from there is your choice. Whether you act differently, dress differently, is all a personal choice.

Many people become "different" when they come out because they are finally letting out a side of them that had been suppressed for so long, which is why they act so "gay".  But just because you come out does not mean you have to do that. Someone who comes out can be the same person they were before, and nothing has to be any different unless you want it to be. Many people will admit to being homosexual but are so scared of being "gay".  There doesn't have to be this difference. The more we stigmatize and develop a rift between these two categories, the worse off the LGBT community will be by dividing itself and limiting its numbers.

Being gay, or being homosexual, should be one in the same. Many people I know simply come come out as queer- a label many straight people subscribe to as well, just to avoid socially constructed labels of being "straight" or "gay". So happy coming out day- whoever you are- straight, gay, or homosexual. And remember- a label doesn't have to change who you are.

One Hundred

This post is dedicated to my boyfriend who has changed my life so much, and makes me a better person every second of every minute of every day. For my one hundredth blog post, I’d like to, for the first time, write about being in a Frum and gay relationship. There’s a lot of work that goes into any relationship, and in my opinion, even more work in a gay relationship, and even more work in a religious and gay relationship.

I want to express some of the difficulty of being a Frum and gay couple. For me, it’s easy to parade around New York City holding his hand, being part of a couple like so many others. But with a Yarmulka on both our heads, it changes how people look at us. There’s the opportunity to make a tremendous Kiddush Hashem, or sanctification of God’s name, by being a happy gay and religious couple, although many more religious people would argue that it is a desecration of God’s name for me to be in a relationship in public. But for most in 2011 New York City people will say “Wow- even religious Jews can be homosexual and happy and in a relationship.” For others, it says- “Wow, homosexuality even exists in the Jewish community, who knew?” For others it says “Ew, gay people, what an abomination”. But for my friends and my community, and for his as well, I hope it says- I’m happy that they’re happy.

But within a religious community there is an added level of discomfort for a gay couple. It was one thing as a single person, but now it is likely that others will feel more uncomfortable because I’m in a relationship. A large percentage of my Orthodox friends have never interacted with a gay couple before, so comfort levels will vary and I acknowledge that. Do I act the way I want to act? Do I inhibit certain behaviors in front of certain friends? More so, it’s one thing for someone to stay in the closet and for me to out- and for both of us to interact, but it’s another thing for me to interact with my boyfriend in front of someone in the closet, and I would hate to cause them discomfort. But it’s my right to be who I am, and my right to be happy with my boyfriend.

As many other blog posts have ended, there’s a balancing act. Sometimes I can be however I want with my boyfriend, and sometimes I’m better off acting less like a couple in front of specific people. My boyfriend and I work to make sure no one is uncomfortable with us, but we also try to keep our own rights and happiness in mind.

The Shabbat Table

I’ve mentioned before how every weekend, the Shabbat Table conversation will very often revolve around topics like who’s getting married, who’s dating, what’s going on in the community and gossip like that. Growing up, once or twice the question of “who’s gay” also came up a few times, and it is slightly offensive to think that now my name is brought up around Shabbat Tables. But people will talk.

More than people talking, however, are people asking questions. I attend many meals, and anyone who knows me knows that I am an open and proud homosexual. Generally, within minutes of meeting me, many will ask about others they suspect who may or may not be gay. They ask me to confirm rumors, to voice my suspicions- and make no mistake, it’s a really difficult position for me to be in. I will never out someone, but often feel that I do not want to lie or I feel pressure to answer honestly, in hopes of building trust and friendship with the people I’m spending time with. But I fight myself, because I know how hard it can be for someone to be in the closet- especially when others are talking and speculating about him or her. I don’t out people, and have been working on myself to keep a poker face and not make backhanded comments that can really ruin someone’s reputation.

But the bigger picture issue here is- why am I even being asked these questions? It’s not my job, nor other people’s jobs to question someone’s sexuality. It’s not my job, nor anyone else’s job, to force someone out of the closet. I do hope, with my activism and my blog, that I encourage people to come out and not run away from who they are. I hope people see that it is possible to be gay and religious and out at the same time. But if someone chooses not to, it is not the community’s job to speculate, spread rumors, or to discuss around the Shabbos Table what someone’s sexuality is.

Role Reversal

I've been thinking lately- gay and Frum, Frum and gay, my perspective has always been about the problems I have with Orthodoxy and how to be more accepted in my communities and all that. But I recently came to realize that there is a whole other perspective to take into account. The gay community needs to have room for Orthodoxy!

Too often, friends and I are uncomfortable wearing our Yarmulkas and other religious articles in public, because we're scared of being pigeonholed into the negative views that so many people have of Orthodox Jews. This shouldn't be so. The LGBT community is one of acceptance, love and tolerance for all- including various religious beliefs- so why should I feel uncomfortable in my yarmulka? I too often feel that if I walk into a gay bar with a head covering, people will look at me differently or be scared to approach me because I don't fit the LGBT stereotype- I defy it by imposing religion into that community. However, I feel strongly that the two need to go hand in hand and for that reason I do not take off my Yarmulka.

My point is simple. I feel that my religious beliefs should not exclude me from being part of any LGBT community, the same way I feel that sexuality should never exclude me from a religious community. People judging is part of this 21st century life we lead- but we need to make sure other's judgments aren't something we let bother us or we let control our actions and behaviors. As much as I want to be openly gay in my religious communities, I want to be openly religious in my gay communities.

Every Step I Take

Why do I do it?
I've often questioned the reasons why I stay Orthodox. And for a while, I had little to no answer. The community tries to reject me, leaders put me down, and people consistently disappoint me in the Orthodox world. So why do I put myself through this? Reasons in the past have included family, friends, just because it was all I had ever known- I didn't want it to change.

However, last week I celebrated Shavuot, commemorating the day God gave the Torah to the Jewish people. I heard a unique perspective that help me put something into words that I was never able to articulate before. I realized that while various aspects of what laws to keep and what defines "Orthodoxy" are confusing to the nth degree, being Orthodox, and identifying myself as such helps me feel part of a bigger picture. Each day I am able to belong to a strong movement of people, to a larger nation that believes in something, that has a passion and commitment that has lasted close to 6,000 years. Being Orthodox makes every step I take purposeful. Almost everything I do has the ultimate goal of betterment of myself, of humanity, and of the Jewish nation. I have the goal of being close to God at the forefront of my mind, and it's something I wouldn't trade for anything else.

I believe in God, I believe in Judaism, I have pride in that and couldn't imagine my life not being Orthodox. It doesn't seem like an option. For the first year or so of being out, I would say I struggled greatly with whether or not I was going to be religious and how I could go to a gay bar with a yarmulka. But then I envisioned a life without a yarmulka and that was an even scarier thought. It was a process and it took time.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tolerance/Intolerance

(note: apology for the blog lag this month, finals in school)
Agree to disagree, love to hate, hate to love, sick and tired of being tired and sick, there are so many contradictions in this world, how can we ever just get along? Well, we can. I've had the pleasure of discussions and conversations with people that I may never agree with. But you know what? That doesn't mean I don't respect their choices. I respect you if your opinion differs from mine, I respect you if you don't "approve" of my lifestyle, but I don't respect you if you talk down to me as if you are any better than me, because we all have our flaws, and homosexuality is not a flaw.

I preach tolerance, I preach open-mindedness and I preach discussion. I preach respect, honesty, and conviction. I implore all my readers to question everything and never believe without knowing why you believe. I respect people different from me and communities and cultures that are different from my own. However, there is something I don't respect- people who don't respect each other. Communities that don't provide equal rights to their members because of sex, age, orientation or any variety of other factors. People should never be told or commanded to to act by others around them without being able to make decisions and decide for themselves what they'd like to do. It's one thing for a community to have laws and rules, it's another to post signs in public that tell people how to behave. It's not Jewish law, it's not legal law, it's a communal restriction that can make many feel oppressed and uncomfortable. In addition, who is it that puts up these signs or makes these laws? Who has the power to control what others can and cannot do?

I choose to live in America, and therefore to follow American law. I choose to be an Orthodox Jew, and therefore follow Orthodox law. There are societies and communities worldwide, however, that do not have such freedom and such choices. I'm thankful to be in such an open country, and concerned for the communities that in a free world, choose to be oppressive to members of their own society. I am intolerant of intolerance.

We R who We R

Recently I've been questioning my own self esteem, my own character and my own identity because of who I hang out with. For anyone who knows me personally, this is not like me. For the past 3 years I have felt nothing but confidence in who I am and what path my life is on. But I let judgments of others get to me until finally I understood what was actually going on.

I love my friends. I don't choose my friends because they run in the same social circle as me, I don't choose my friends because we have a,b,c or x,y,z in common. I choose my friends because of who they are, not because of who I am. I choose my friends because of them, what they believe in, not based on how they portray themselves of how they may appear to others. I pride myself in my ability to see beneath the surface of a person's external practices or behaviors, but instead to see who a person is on the inside, and that's why they are in my life. My friends are not, nor have ever been, part of one circle or one group. My friends have always spanned a spectrum of all different types of people, and this is why it's even hard to balance all the people that I want to have in my life because sometimes I come across the most amazing people, and just because someone may not see the good in a friend of mine, doesn't give them the right to question who I am based on that. And I certainly shouldn't be questioning myself because of them.

I take offense to those that have been questioning my own character and the character of different people I keep in my life. Who is anyone in this world to judge anyone else? We all have our flaws, but we all expect our friends to accept us knowing those flaws. I don't only write this blog to explain how because I'm gay, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or that you should accept me despite my sexuality, but I write this blog to say that in general, there's more to every person than meets the eye, and no one can ever assume or judge someone else because of something they may perceive. We all are who we are despite what others think of us, and we should always remember that before we question our friends' choices and behaviors.

It Gets Better- Part II

A few weeks ago, the "It Gets Better" Project that I had the privilege to be involved in, released a book, with transcripts from the best "It Gets Better" videos and stories that were shared online. This was done by the creator of the project, Dan Savage. Dan and his partner Terry had a book signing at Barnes and Noble that I went to, and was able to meet them after, along with my fellow gay Orthodox Jews who shared there story in the video with me. I wanted to share this experience with you, because it was so beautiful and inspiring and is just a message that needs to be pushed.

It gets better is a project about helping those in trouble, inspiring those in who see no hope and supporting those who just want to be themselves. The project isn't about promising anyone that life is perfect and in fact, Dan himself admitted openly that the phrasing "it gets better" does not really represent what the project is all about. Many of the best videos included the following admission: does it get better? no. But do you get stronger? yes. THe project was not to say everything works out perfectly, because the last thing a person who is suffering can see is the light at the end of the tunnel. Life is never perfect, and things change and people change, and something that seems terrible at 15 is no longer as terrible at 18. Why? Not because the hurt itself is any less painful, but because an individual themselves becomes stronger.

Is my life great now that I'm open about my sexuality? No. Is everything easy because I'm out of the closet? No. But did the darkness and despair that I felt at 15 and 16 get better? Yes. Did the way I viewed myself and the way people around me viewed me change? Yes. I grew up, everyone grew up, and that made things around me feel better. Is there still plenty of bullying? Is there still plenty of rejection from my own community? Yes. But today, I am ten times more capable of facing it all then I was five, six, seven or eight years ago? Absolutely.

The project may be mistitled, but the messaged rings clear- "it" may not get better, but "you" get stronger.

The book can be found here - It Gets Better

Gay Marriage, pt. II OR "Normal"

Last week, I discussed the institution of gay marriage from a legal/political/religious standpoint. This is gay marriage, but with a very different definition. Recently, there has been discussion over a controversial article from Ha’Aretz Israeli newspaper, about a Rabbi who sets up gay men with lesbian women, to get married and raise a family in the Orthodox community, as a means of keeping up their religion and finding happiness. (Article HERE) So far, 10 of the 12 couples have stayed together. They keep up appearances, sleeping in the same room but not sleeping together, and they procreate through artificial insemination.

Now when I first came out, this was something recommended to me by many people. Why can’t I just marry a lesbian? I felt this was not the means to a truly happy life- and I would feel too depressed and unfulfilled and I was not willing to “keep up an appearance” for the rest of my life. How can anyone be happy in such a position? But these couples say they are.

I think the place where the individuals in this article differ from my path, is their use of the word “normal”- 4 times in direct quotes from these couples, and once from the author of the article. I have chosen, yes chosen, to change the definition of “normal”. To look outside what I grew up to believe in, and instead create my own normal, create a world, even within Orthodoxy, where a gay couple can be normal, and not accused or assumed to be violating Torah law. Instead of forcing myself to go with Orthodox communal definition of “normal”, I thought outside the box, thought to change “normal”, to step outside the bounds of what had been accepted by everyone else.

Orthodox Judaism has never been a static movement, and there has never been one definition of “normal”. There has been change, progress, growth and development every year, in every community- conversations and issues that change the definition of “normal”. Forget about damaging human emotions, lying to your own children, and all the psychological ramifications, I simply ask, why does homosexuality have to be pushed under the rug, pretending it doesn’t exist, just for the sake of a “normal” that is always changing?

Gay Marriage

I’ve never really discussed gay marriage here- Halachically (Jewish law) or politically. I do think, however, those are two very different aspects.

According to Jewish law, homosexuality is a sin, and whether or not every act of homosexuality can be considered a sin from the Torah or the Rabbi’s, the point is, gay marriage as a Jewish religious institution, does not exist. The Rabbi’s never set boundaries or laws, or how a wedding should be performed between two people of the same gender. There is no Ketubah for same-sex couples, there is no Chupah, and while the institution can be created, it has not been, and probably won’t be from an Orhtodox perspective.

Politically, the country is torn, many people are confused, but a growing voice and opinion amongst many is the following: the institution of marriage is a religious one, and it should not be up to the state who is “married” and who is not. Instead, the state should be giving out civil unions. Between man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, there should be civil unions. For people who want to be “married”, that’s for their religious institution to decide, and for a religious marriage contract to establish. A political contract would be a union. Now I know this may sound radical to many, but I think it’s a distinct possibility of what may eventually solve the “gay marriage” controversy.

For myself, I do want a civil union. I want a partner, a husband, someone who I am connected to by civil law, sharing rights and benefits, and creating a family of my own. Having children is something I have discussed in the past, and will get to discussing again soon, but not in this post. I do wish my religion could recognize my family unit however I choose to create it, but when it comes down to it- Orthodox Judaism does not, but that does not make me want to leave the community, it’s just a fact that I accept.

Redundant

Hey- so to answer some of your complaints, again, complaints, I've written about JONAH in the past. That's why I will not do it again. One of the many times I've written about them was HERE. So I'm not going to address it again. At least not right now. But what I am going to address again- gay men marrying women.

Gay men marrying straight women or gay men marrying gay women, or women anywhere in between, is wrong. And it rarely works. And here's why it bothers me so much- every day, and if not every day than every other day, I get an email, or a Facebook message or some form of contact from men, married to women. What do they want? Well, depends. Some want support, which I am happy to offer. Some want advice, which I also am happy to offer. Some want a physical relationship or sex (which I turn down), but the point is that these are men, who married women because they thought it would just get better, they thought they're attraction would go away or that they could just ignore it, and if they married a woman their lives would just get better.

The advice I give? To be open with your wife about this, if you find yourself married and struggling. Because at least then the two partners can be open in their relationship and discuss possible options. I feel that's the only way for a man having homosexual attraction to at least not feel so alone- if they are open with their spouse about it. I never asked to be the one for everyone to come to with these "problems" or "confusions", but I did put myself out here, on a blog. And for that reason people do come to me, and I have to do suggest what I think is best, mostly because there is no one else. And because so many of these people come from communities that would never consider discussing sexuality, when it stares them in the face on TV and the internet and the news every day. So they look for somewhere to go, and they find me. So I have to do the best I can, and I make sure they know that life isn't over and that there are options.

Now I'm sure there are women that marry men, as well, for the same reasons- but I haven't heard from them. I just know that I need to reinforce something I have always said- that gay or confused/questioning men, should not marry women. I say confused and questioning because very often, those are the first steps to much deeper sexual orientation that can't simply be ignored. I'm not saying run around and sleep with everyone to figure it out- but before you rush into marriage to fix the problem, make sure you are fully aware of where your brain, body and heart is at. Otherwise too many people end up hurt.

One Thing

In a recent interview that can be found HERE, I was asked two very difficult questions that I will go into this post and the next post. Shout out to the awesome YU Beacon and my interviewer for letting me share this.

I was asked if there was one thing I could tell the Orthodox community, for all to know, what would it be. Coming to the answer to this question took some time. There is so much I want the Orthodox community to know- that I want to have a “normal” life like the rest of them, that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m any different from them, that I plan on living an Orthodox lifestyle to the best of my ability, that being gay was not planned, expected, or asked for- but none of these were really just one thing for me to tell the community, so here’s what I went with:

"That being gay is not a choice. It’s not something I ever wished for, and not something I strive to push on anyone who is uncomfortable with it."

I did not choose to be gay or ask for it or beg for my life to be more difficult. I wished and cried for the opposite. I simply tried to live a “normal” modern Orthodox life, like all my friends, but found myself attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite. After too much pain and struggle, I realized that just because I was gay, I was not going to allow that to stop me from living the “normal” modern Orthodox life; I just hope to do it with a man instead of a woman. Being gay, for almost all individuals struggling is not a choice- if it were, why would we choose the other path? Why would we want to go against the Torah? Why would we beg and plead for communities to accept us for who we are?

This is something the Orthodox community needs to recognize, because too often people are cast aside or hurt and not accepted. Why? Because it's viewed as something that is more or less in our control, and it's not. Just like a heterosexual's attraction towards women is not in their control, so too for the homosexual, the attraction is not in their control. For all these reasons I had to use this one thing to tell the Orthodox community- being gay is almost always not a choice. Just some food for thought.

Coming Out, Part II

Happy weekend to you all. Part of Eshel last weekend, we discussed many issues relating to coming out and telling your family and friends about a sexual orientation. When it comes to being LGBT, especially in the Orthodox world, coming out is automatically associated with rejection, hate, and removal from a community. Many in the closet presume that coming out will isolate themselves from all they know and love in their communities.

I'm here to try and persuade some of you otherwise. It's really important that you come out, if you're ready, and not to be scared about other people's reactions. I've said over and over again that everyone needs to be an individual and not worry about what other people think- but now I'm saying more than that. More often than not, my friends were upset at me for holding in my sexuality. Yes, mad at me. They were upset I had presumed they would react negatively, and were upset that I thought just because I was gay, they would leave me. So many assured me they wouldn't- and they haven't. In fact, many of my friends and I became closer after I came out, because I was finally open and honest with them about who I was.

Not only is it important not to let the community and our friends dictate who we are and how we should behave, but we should be giving them the benefit of the doubt! We should assume and expect that they be supportive- because so many are! For those still in the closet, just know that you're friends can so often surprise you and be supportive, more than you could have ever expected. This was a sentiment shared by many gay Orthodox people at the weekend. We all found that coming out was a much more pleasant experience than we had anticipated and people were a lot more ready to support us than they were to leave us.

Coming out is a preocess that one has to be ready for, that they feel they need to do, and that they do at their own pace and time. However, when that time comes that one feels they are ready, don't let the fear of other people's reactions stop you. More often than not, I have found, their love and support will surprise you.