Friday, January 7, 2011


I know it's lame to call my first post of the New Year resolution, but instead of just being angry, I would like to suggest that we all resolve a few things for the new year.

Apparently, it is common for members of my "loving" and "supportive" community to question my roommates- past and present- about living with a gay guy. Won't it be weird? What if he, like, y'know, tries stuff? Thank God I have actual loving and supportive roommates who make me feel incredible about being in this community, where I so often feel and fear that I don't belong. I was so nervous to move to a new community because I didn't think I'd find anyone who would live with me. I thank my close friends in a addition to my roommates, for always making me feel part of a world that tries so hard to reject me.

But even when I think progress is being made and the community is opening it's mind a little bit, while I know it is, it's so hard to continue on when you know that behind your back, everyone asks "won't it be weird living with a gay guy". Hey world- wake up! I'm just like everyone else, with attractions only to certain people, with the ability to control my desires and needs- and not the audacity or tastelessness to hit on any living male creature.

Anyway, I'm annoyed that people still question my ability to be a normal person. But on a similar level, any friends that are supportive of me and the community also get questioned- are they gay too? Otherwise, why would they be so supportive? The notion that someone supporting a friend or a community with the need for support gets judged for trying to be a good person is one of the worst qualities of judgment.

So I challenge those in the Orthodox world- and those outside of it- to open their minds in the new year and realize that not only can I belong, but I am just like everyone else. To make the resolution to not just "be tolerant" but to accept anyone for who they are- regardless of their personal sexual preference or because of who they support.


  1. I so agree--especially with the last sentence. To tolerate is to "put up with" something distasteful. Not tolerance but *acceptance* is the opposite of rejection and the antidote to shame.

  2. Well said. Sometimes I'm convinced that being gay is actually an advantage. I've been forced to face certain aspects of myself and think properly about them; in particular, I've had to work out what sexual attraction is, how it works, and what it means. If I'd been straight, maybe I wouldn't have done this type of introspection - that's what comes to mind when I hear comments like the ones you mention. The type of person who would ask your roommate if he doesn't feel weird because you might hit on him is someone who's pretty clueless about the workings of his own (straight) sexuality - and, incidentally, that's the same reason why some people say homosexuality is an "urge" and compare it to the "urge to eat bacon". (I'm not saying that all straight males are so blunt; it's just that society never forces them to think about their own sexuality, so many never do.)

  3. Being heterosexual, and having lived with a homosexual roommate, I fell compelled to chime in and say that experience has shown me a person's sexuality has no bearing on how wonderful a human being and friend they are.

    In fact, he is one of my closest, most cherished friends and one of the more "normal" people I've come across. I regularly discuss my own thoughts, challenges and questions (be they religious in nature or other areas in my life, like dating, school, parents, etc) with him and I look up to him in more ways than I can describe. I've learned a LOT from him, especially in terms of learning to accept and love myself the way I am, which I've had a tremendous struggle with in so many other ways.

  4. this was the night i came out :)


It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews