I want to share an aspect of understanding my sexuality that was probably one of the last things I ever really had a grasp on: attraction. For years, throughout elementary school and high school, I thought every girl I met was special. Every time I built a relationship with a girl, I inevitably crushed on them within a few months, and some I even dated. But what were those feelings?
After understanding that I was gay, I realized that these relationships I had built were normal friendships. When a girl got me giddy and I was all excited to hang out with them- they were good friends. I always thought I had an attraction to men and women, the attraction to women was normal and to men was weird, raw, emotional, clearly messed up and therefore needed to be fixed. But when I finally accepted who I was, for myself, I realized that the raw, emotional attraction I had towards men, that I thought was unhealthy and bad- was what heterosexual men feel towards women. And the fun, light, and chill attraction I had towards women was actually friendship, and what heterosexual men felt towards each other.
For so many years I wanted so badly to be straight that I never understood my own emotions- I thought women were "normal" and my feelings towards men were "unhealthy". Many would argue that my feelings still are that way, but from my own personal experience I can tell you- for me, my feelings towards men are the ones that feel real and strong. The ones towards women, as much as I love my best friends, are not nearly as beautiful and emotional for me.