Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Trying my best

Apparently, I am that guy.
I didn't know I was that guy.
I didn't ask to be that guy.
A new friend of mine told me I am a "household name". I come up in conversation, not just the topic of homosexuality, but of me specifically. I didn't sign up for that. Then again, I didn't sign up for homosexuality either, as far as I know. But people are talking about me, it started a year and a half ago and there are louder times and there are quieter times, but they're talking. And they're whispering. And some are even pointing. So what? I don't have to care. Well I shouldn't, anyway. But as social beings it's only natural to care- as long as I work to not let it dictate me, where I go or who I become.

Along with being a "household name", I became that guy. That person that everyone who is gay and Jewish needs to talk to, needs to get in touch with. Closeted people mostly, but either way I feel my head constantly filling up with more and more secrets. On a daily basis I have more and more to keep in- and I do my best to do so. Sometimes people call me untrustworthy- but that's when I screw up with my friends- not with secrets from people whom I don;t even know their names. I didn't ask to be "that guy". I didn't ask to have the Orthodox world put me in this focal point, and I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, but I want to help, I want to be there for anyone who needs it. I only have my own experience and try my best to share with anyone who needs me.

That brings me to my last point, I like to think or hypothesize that with the amount of other people's secrets, thoughts and emotions filling my head, there is little room for my own. And I end up using outlets- Twitter, Facebook and the Blog, and my closest friends who listen to me struggle day in and day out, all to let off my own thoughts and make room for everyone else's. Thanks to my friends who are able to put up with me. And to those that can't- I'm sorry if I'm a burden, I'm just trying to do my best, even if I seem immature/whiney or out of control at some points.


  1. WRITE WRITE WRITE.... blog or secret diary... will help!

  2. "I wonder why doesn't everyone in the closet come to me? I can help, I've been there, I don't out you."

    It's hard to understand how you want to have it both ways:
    In an earlier post you wrote the above words complaining that not enough people came to you to tell you that they were gay; now you're upset that too many people do.
    In an earlier post you claimed that you don't out people; now you say you do.

    Focus on taking care of yourself in a healthy way, and try not to worry so much about all the rest.

  3. "But people are talking about me, it started a year and a half ago and there are louder times and there are quieter times, but they're talking. And they're whispering. And some are even pointing."

    How does that work, as far as loshon hora? Shouldn't they be regulating themselves so as not to gossip, even if it is an interesting/objectionable/curious topic to them? I ask this earnestly, because I am not religious.. I am Jewish but was raised pretty secularly and have asked more and more religious questions in the last few years. So yeah. How does that work?

    I found your blog through random internet searching, so you know. Hi, I'm Hannah. :) I'm sorry you've been made into 'that guy' but maybe you can help people this way?

  4. I do not out people. I said I have secrets, never said ANYTHING about outing people. I don't do that. And I'm not complaining about what people tell me, I'm just saying that this is what I deal with.
    Please try to be less angry and condescending 'anon', i would appreciate it.

  5. "Sometimes I slip...."
    Being one who struggles with similar issues (closeted tho), if I knew beforehand that there is even a chance you might slip and reveal any secret pertaining to me or any other ppl, no matter what the case is I would never come over to u to talk about anything related to this...I doubt anyone would.
    As always one must try to do their best, and I am sure you do, but with regard to the strugglers out here, I felt I had to say something.
    Keeping confidential things about ppl is always difficult, especially as time goes on, but be strong, you will feel better as a person knowing that ppl can feel trully comfortable with you as a confidant.

  6. We are all that guy at one point in time.
    For instance, now I'm the glasses guy. And sometimes I'm the donkey hat guy. And sometimes I'm that "household name" you mention. I just think it's funny that people's lives are so boring that they gotta talk about us... we're so lame! lol

  7. Anon #1 I really just wanted to be honest here. I wanted to write how I was feeling. I didn't want to write what I "should" write so that I get the best responses or the most people coming to me with their problems.

    Relationships are based around trust. If we have a relationship, or if someone wants to build a relationship with me- they need to trust me, and I, in turn, will do my part at keeping their secrets. Will it be hard? yes. And if some1 wants to talk to me, they're just going to have to trust me, b/c if they need me, then their secrets are safe. I'm editing out the part about slipping b/c maybe it is too scary for those who trust me, but I really jst wanted to be honest.

  8. Dear FrumGay,

    I have not mentioned you and will not. It is just nice to hear your thoughts.

    Wishing you well,


It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews