Thursday, August 19, 2010

One for August

So this month I decided to take a bit of a break from blogging. We're all entitled to some vacation. But mostly because the end of July was a bit intense for me, and I needed some space. I needed to be free of judgements and comments and criticisms and just the freedom to be me. But I did want to express a few things.

On the topic of being judged and criticized- it's difficult to be in a position like I am, but there are more than just me out there in this position. We're all so scared that anything we do is going to be criticized by everyone else, and even if we say "forget it, I'm just going to be me", we still get scrutinized because there seems to be very little room for independence within the closed society that many of us live.

There should be the opportunity for someone to say, "I'm frum, but I struggle with certain issues, but I still wish to be a part of the Orthodox community". A few years back, someone told me "It's impossible to be frum and gay, that's not what Hashem wants". And I think that's what propelled me forward. Because from that day on, I made sure that everyone knew who I was, and that I'm proud to be who I am. Over the past month I have learned the names of over seven frum individuals that have begun to accept who they are and I applaud them for having the courage to not be just an anonymous e-mail address, or a fake facebook name.

Because whether or not the Torah prohibits a specific sexual activity, many of us have to be who we are, because there is little or no choice in the matter. And sometimes it doesn't make sense, or it doesn't fit perfectly with Halacha, or it may not be the ideal situation for an Orthodox Jew, but it's the reality, and until many people out there accept it, the more frustration, anguish, pain and suffering will be imposed on tormented souls. And I guarantee that that's not what God wants.

-As I have said on facebook, I will no longer respond to anonymous commenters asking questions, if you have a question for me, feel free to email me. comments and intriguing thoughts are always welcome below.


  1. Look, I really feel for you and can't imagine having this struggle. However, you say you have "little or no choice in the matter," and that simply lowers your status from human being to animal. We have choices in all matters. Kleptomaniacs must resist stealing and someone attracted to children must resist committing pedophilia. I am not, G-d forbid, comparing stealing and pedophilia to homosexuality - my point is that these are drives and inclinations that people are born with and must resist if they choose to live moral lives. If you believe in the Torah, then you believe "homosexual activity is an abomination" because that is what's explicitly stated. My heart goes out to you, who must battle with this conflicting lifestyle, but I simply do not see how someone living an openly homosexual lifestyle can lead a frum life, because he is openly committing an issur diorayta.
    I do not think anyone should torment homosexuals or in any way make their lives more uncomfortable than they already are, but do not say you have "little or no choice."
    I am not saying it is easy and I have no right to judge you as I am not standing in your shoes, but there are plenty of homosexual men who struggle every day and resist their urges out of dedication to torah and halacha.
    There are also plenty of people who never get married for other reasons. And out of commitment to Torah, do not have sex.

  2. ***I'd like to clarify, when I say that according to the Torah homosexual activity is an abomination, I refer only to homosexual sex

  3. Great post--I guess that I am not one of the "seven"!!

  4. "There should be the opportunity for someone to say, "I'm frum, but I struggle with certain issues, but I still wish to be a part of the Orthodox community"."

    Every single Jewish person sins- no one is perfect and no human can be perfect. No one has issues with you saying that you "struggle with certain issues". Living a life of Tzniut means you don't have to share your issues with the world. Orthodox couples who don't practice Taharat Hamishpacha aren't opened about their violation of Halacha- they don't publicly say' I struggle with Taharat Hamishpacha because I always want to be with my wife, but you should accept me in your community'. They keep their private issues private. I understand the struggle, but the world doesn't need to know that someone is gay- you can talk privately with those who are close to you and who you confide in, but coming out publicly and saying I am gay, accept me, is not neccessary. You can be yourself without the world knowing you are gay, just like a person who struggles with a porn addiction can be himself without the world knowing he/she is addicted to porn.

  5. To DJ:
    True, people don't say "I struggle with taharat hamishpacha", and it's not my business if X and Y do or don't. Similarly, people don't say "I struggle with mishkav zachar", and we shouldn't assume that a gay couple does or does not do the one thing that's assur deoraita. Two men living together IS NOT the same as two men openly violating halacha.

  6. Anon 7:13:
    Two men living together is itself an open violation of Halacha, no different than a man and women who aren't married living together

  7. You say that you are proud. What are you proud of? I hope you are not proud of being gay because being gay is not your own accomplishment. One cannot be proud of being case any more so than one can be proud of being straight, or being a guy, or being a girl, or whatever. You can be proud of your own individual accomplishments. I guess perhaps you wanted to say "proud that I came out". And for that you can certainly be proud of that. Because that takes courage. I am sure this is what you meant to say. I just bring it up because I seen many gay people who go on the whole pride movement and it makes no sense to me why someone is proud of something they have no control over.

  8. do you have control over being born Jewish? But you can be proud to be a Jew, no?


It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews