Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Secret Life

Hey, I'm really excited it's September, b/c I have at least 5 topics to discuss, some revolving around the new year, some revolving around gay life in general, and, our favorite, the struggle of homosexuality and Orthodoxy.

I get facebook friend requests almost daily- not from people I know, but from generic, and clearly fake names representing fake Facebook accounts. Who are these people and why do they friend me? They're almost all religious Jews, who are hiding in the closet. Some young, some old, some married, some single- and they create these fake accounts in order to have an outlet for their sexual identity. Some are very flamboyant, openly "liking" gay porn sites or porn stars, others are just trying to exist and friend religious gay Jews that they've heard of so they don't feel so alone. I get frustrated easily with these individuals because I feel that they're only making their lives harder by creating a separate facebook. Not only do they have to live in secret that they are attracted to members of the same gender, but they literally create a secret identity- a whole other person, as an outlet for their secrets. They're teasing themselves with a life they wish they could lead.

Some of them are creepy- simply looking for sex and don't know how to go about finding it- and feel the need to stalk facebook for the gay Jews and their friends. Others are curious as to what the gay Jewish world is like and what it can provide them. It is a useful tool as a gateway to the gay Jewish world, meeting new people, facebook chatting to get an idea of what openly gay Jews are like, and perhaps meet some of us and slowly become more comfortable with who they are. Unfortunately, many just resign to the fact that they will always be alone, suffering, in pain. I have come to understand recently that they may not choose to be in the closet, its just that they cannot ever be gay, even thought they know they are attracted to people of the same gender. They know it, but coming out or admitting it openly is not an option- it's just not an option.

I salute those who have the courage to be "not just another email address" and empathize with those who still feel the need to hide behind an anonymous name, and feel legitimately badly for those who feel they don't have an option- and challenge them to just try and question that thinking.


  1. i dont know if i just died more now or became more alive. every word meant the world to me and simply proves how screwed up i actually am

  2. i also think some words of this text was written about my world. you know my facebook isnt fake but i use it as way to find some gay friends. maybe i will tell you something you don't know: i live in small city where i dont have any gay friends. all the queer friends i got is from others cities. now i'm writing this comment at school via smartphone, surrounded by lots girls. meanwhile, the boys are playing soccer... sport that i hate. Thats my gay world within a straight society.
    because of it, i am often travelling to meet my dearest friends. one of them is my more than friend, if you know what i mean. i can demonstrate that i am gay without fear, i kiss him in public places and walk hand-in-hand - but not in my city where the people have a tiny mind.
    I am 16 i waited 3 year for my come out. it wasn't easy but i had the support of Eli, my israeli straight bff. i think i'm lucky gay boy!

    people, sorry for my brazilian "engrish".

  3. when i wrote "some words" i mean that i have curiosity about how is the life of a frum gay jew. this is it.

  4. I understand the perspective you are coming from. But there is another perspective. We all have secret inner worlds. Even you. You may think you are whole coming out - and it made you feel better. But maybe you are a very insecure person and instead of grounding yourself and knowing who you are, you chose to come out of the closet - something you view as necessary for your sanity and mental health.

    But maybe it isn't. Maybe the choices aren't clear cut. Either have secret facebooks or come out of the closet. Maybe it's don't come out of the closet and try not to have secret facebooks. Do you know how many straight people look at porn, or have secret double lives? How many charedim do the same? It's the story of cognitive dissonance - we, as human beings, always live at battle with ourselves. Sometimes, it's just healthier to embrace that battle than to rush to choose a side. Because if you rush to a choose a side, you're only fooling yourself into thinking that the battle is over.

  5. Sorry, just to add, I hate the you "applaud" people who choose not to be anonymous. How dare you judge people who think that they are doing the right thing by fighting their battles all on their own? To view them as cowards when they have no one? It is a very valid perspective to instead view them as brave for not allowing sexuality to determine their identity as they fight for a life that is every bit as normal as a straight person's.

  6. FrumGay, I applaud your ability to see a person behind those fake profiles. To see a person who is struggling, gasping for breath, chasing away daily a despair that rises up in him every time he sees an attractive male and knows he will never have one--and then thinks of how maybe he one day could maybe have it--and how it would justify his entire life. And at the sane time sink the life he's built so far. And you friend these people and talk to them and try to help them see a different perspective, your perspective.

    I never saw that. I just saw the fake pics and thin personality and thought, "This is all he is, move on."

  7. What keeps you going? How can you possible believe in this religion that directly attacks who you are fundamentally. It is using you as its victim of redundancy. How does anyone who suffers from that which is beyond his control maintain his beliefs? Are we a nation of fools or am I missing something? If we are the chosen nation, then where is he who has done the choosing??!

  8. I should have commented on this when I first read it, because it has bothered me since. I think I can understand your frustration over getting all of these anonymous facebook friend requests and some of them being creepy. If I felt like the shelter for many closeted gay Jews I would also be frustrated. Still, I find your post hurtful. Maybe it's the use of the word "them" to describe closeted gay Jews. I understand you're not closeted, but I didn't know you considered me, or any gay Jews for that matter, a "them". It may also be that you are airing out the dirty laundry of gay closeted Jews. I know you're not giving names, but you write about those people as if they are your patients and you are their psychologist, trying to analyze what it is that they are looking for in contacting you (e.g., looking for sex, or looking to associate with you). I also don't need you to feel bad for me. Worst of all, you publish all of these things that some of us are ashamed of and feel insecure about on a public blog. It is your blog so you have a right to rant, spill your emotions, and convey your thoughts, but for me personally, somebody who may be part of your "them", this post was surprising and hurtful.


It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews