Saturday, March 6, 2010

When things surprise you

A few weeks ago, I was going to publish a post about how Hashem works in mysterious ways. Instead, I decided to wait, b.c what I was saying didn't have a lot of substance. Now I think it does:

I have been through a lot of confusion in my lifetime and fighting, we all have; and I'm going to be honest- with my coming out there came a few drawbacks- those in the closet and struggling were less likely to open up to me, those out of the closet couldn't understand why I wanted to be frum, and the worst part- there were many individuals who saw me as their play-thing, their opportunity to 'experiment', those who were closeted to try and get some easy action, those who just wanted action and didn't care if it came from a guy or a girl. Now, while I wasn't always the most 'wholesome' individual, I did want to fight these desires and people throwing themselves at me. Recently, it has been worse than ever. But recently it's also been the easiest to fight.

A few weeks ago Hashem sent me a gift. Someone I did not see coming, who has impacted my life more than I ever thought possible, and regardless of what happens with us, he has given me more peace with the past, more strength in the present, and more hope for the future than I ever thought possible. And yes I think it's Hashem's hand, helping me through the desires and helping me fight the struggles while finding the happiness I thought I would never get and honestly, didn't believe I deserved. But for right now, I think I finally believe that I deserve it. And I'm pretty sure I give the same back to him.

9 comments:

  1. I Love you so much and I'm so happy you are happy!!
    -Tovah

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  2. I am pretty sure you have written on this blog before that you have a strong desire to remain a torah Jew. How does putting yourself in the company of other males who share your anti-torah desires help you as opposed to being a stumbling block to GD FORBID pursue it further? You and others compare your struggles to those of straight couples... straight guys wanting girls, married guys wanting to touch their wives during nidda... but their are strict laws in place to prevent those things from happening as much as possible. (yichud, negia, etc) What kind of limits and or boundaries do you have that will help you lead a torah way of life as you say you want?

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  3. DB,
    THe relationship is not as simple as- yay, now I can violate Halacha. We have boundaries, guidelines and taking everything very slowly- as a straight frum couple would do. We are not shomer negiah since there is no Halachik need for it, and as long as we keep up the boundaries we set for ourselves.

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  4. FrumGay,
    I'm curious to know more about how you're feeling out these boundaries that, for all intents and purposes, do not actually exist right now. How do you take the law as it applies to straight couples and figure out where it should be applied to you versus deciding that there's no Halachik need for it (as in your example with shomer negiah)?

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  5. As far as the blog is concerned, I know I started the conversation but I would like to put a limit on the personal information I share here. Maybe a private email would be better. Thanks.

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  6. A few months ago, you posted about how you have crushes on all of your friends and how that can be hard for you to control at times. How you struggle with it. Now you have stated that you are a "plaything" and people use you (or have used you in the recent past) for "easy action." Perhaps it is time to look inward and ask yourself why - gay or straight - you are so desperate for acceptance that you are tying all of your self worth into other people's willingness to be involved with you, platonically OR romantically. I'm glad that you've found happiness with someone but you seem like a person of extremes. Right now extremely high self-opinion is what is coming across in this blog.

    Best of luck.

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  7. I am a person of extremes. And I'm not sure where I'm coming across as desperate for acceptance, but I understand your thoughts on me. But I like to think this blog is about who I am, and I have flaws- like anyone else, but for you to call me out on them felt like a judgement, and I feel that is inappropriate. But I appreciate your thoughts, but it felt like you have an expectation of perfection- so just so you know, I am far from perfect.

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  8. shualah elishevaApril 7, 2010 at 6:50 PM

    you - EVERYONE - can and does deserve happiness; and that happiness can, i think, be found within the guidelines of an observant torah lifestyle, irrespective of sexuality. the brightbright emotional and psychological joy of a song.of.songs love is not halachically limited only to those who are "straight."

    kol hakavod to you, sir. i have faith that you will continue to find contentment with both yourself and hashem.

    ReplyDelete

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