Sunday, November 1, 2009

Some Honesty

I received a number of very interesting comments from people who I can only call blog friends, in response to various other posts. Let me preempt by saying thank you to all of you for reading, and I respect all your thoughts an opinions.
I love being Jewish. I have always been and will always be Jewish. I am Orthodox/frum, I love being frum, it's all I've ever known and I love it. I've tried not keeping Shabbos or strict Kosher for (very) brief periods of time and seriously it was not for me. Not just weird, but it felt wrong. I love my religion and I would sooner give up being gay than give up being religious. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of you, but to me it does.

If given the choice, I would not be gay. Now before you jump down my throats and warn me that I'm being self-hating and only hurting myself just hear me out. I love me, I love all aspects of me, I love being Jewish, I love being gay. But if given the choice, I would not choose to be gay. I do not know in five years if I will be with anyone and that’s really really difficult. If i was straight that wouldn’t be the case. If I find a guy to be with and maybe even lvev with somewhere down the road will I even be able to raise an orthodox child with two gay dads? Not in the world we live in right now. But either way, is that it? will that be it for me, for my potential, for my life?

I love being Orthodox, and I love being gay.


  1. I am SURE you will find someone. You are a good person, very lovable and bright. Don't worry about it, and don't run after it, love will find YOU!

  2. I wish you the best on your journey — a deep experience of the Divine in relationship with another man, in relationship with your community and in your own individual observance in whatever shape it takes over time.

  3. I wish you the best as well. Leaving frumkeit is damn hard for a lot of people, and if you love it, well, hey, it's your life. :-) Hope you find a way to make it all work.

  4. just wanted to of my bffs went through a similar struggle, and (now in his late 20s) he has gone through becoming less religious, becoming more religious, dating non jewish guys, and now only dates jewish guys. He is very involved in the jewish community and loves judaism. Now he is 28, and is dating an awesome man who is also very religious (in fact he is a rabbi- although not orthodox) and they do a lot of jewish things together. I know they both keep shabbas and kosher,

    Anyways, my point is, it's not mutually exclusive, and there are other gay guys out there for whom judaism is an important part of their life. I personally know two guys (and two girls come to think of it) who are gay and jewish and religious. Most of them don't identify as orthodox, but 3/4 grew up orthodox and still do orthodox practices while being part of a larger jewish community.

    Also, you are in NY right now and the type of judaism practiced in NY is not the same as it is in the rest of the country. You may later find that orthodoxy is a bit too restrictive, but there are other types of Judaism that both resonate with you and are accepting of you. Or you may decide to keep orthodox laws but hang out with a more diverse group of jewish people.

    There are also jewish gay communities you should be aware of..i know for instance university of maryland at silver spring used to have a huge jewish gay community back when I was in college (which was 6 years ago, but they might still be around). there are also organizations such as this one: that are specifically targeted at gay jews and that have retreats and shabbatons and stuff. They are non-denominational, so not orthodox, but they are certainly welcoming of orthodox people.

  5. I think that some of these previous comments are missing the point, and I would appreciate if you would clarify in more detail than you 'like being both Jewish and gay' If you believe in the Torah you hold that the Torah is real Judaism not screwed around with then you would not hope to find that male-someone someday b/c that goes against what you believe. Yes you can still believe in Torah and you still have mitzvot to do even if you have a taavah for a certain avairah. However, there is a certain idea of not dunking in a mikvah holding tuma. How can you have a mezuzah in your house reminding you to keep the Torah while living or going into that room to do an avairah? I look forward to the authors thoughts.

    1. I know this is an old post, so wonder if you'll ever see it, but - Anonymous, are you saying you have never done an aveirah? Even repeatedly? And do you have a mezuzah on your door?
      I agree (as if anyone asked for cared about my opinion) that seeking/hoping for a relationship that is forbidden by the Torah is a bad idea. But no one is perfect, and it would be foolish for anyone to stop doing 1 mitzvah just because he or she has trouble with another.

  6. can i ask, anonymous, what then you are asking me to do? should i give up religion? should i give up being gay? because in my eyes neither of those are an option.

  7. I was not speaking about you, I was speaking more in resonse to the other comments my example was about a homosexual couple living together. I was actually suggesting you write a post tackling that point.

  8. haha, thanks anon, im actually considering it. i just dont think ppl would be okay with my fairly conservative opinions on the matter. i need to watch some of what i say here.

  9. Proposition: Marry a female and have an affair?

  10. Preferring not to have to face ongoing difficulties doesn't mean you hate yourself.
    There is nothing wrong with saying, if you had a choice, you would choose to not be gay. You're a good person and should cut yourself a break on that.


It Gets Better- Gay Orthodox Jews