The more i immerse myself into YU the more i am falling for the people around me. The more i feel like i can do nothing to control my feelings, and my emotions are just carrying me. controlling every friendship and every relationship - and complicating them.
It's not good for me to fall for people around me, firstly b/c they're not gay, second of all b/c even knowing that, i lie to myself and tell myself i have a chance until that person manages to convince me otherwise. Sorry for those friends that this is weird for, but this is the reality. I spend hours thinking about my good friends, but sometimes its more- i want them to love me back, the way i love them. Its like a straight guy falling for a girl he cant have, or for a girl who is his best friend- he's in love with them, cares about them so much, but no matter how much they love him back its 'friendship' love, and that is by no means the feeling he needs.
Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just want someone so bad that i fall for those unavailable, clinging to every unrealistic hope of one day having them care about me as much as i care about them. I need to be falling out of love, not in love. And these are the things that distract me from my work, and the stress.