Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Falling out of love

Yes, this week i very stressful- but that just means I am more intensified, my life is more intensified and you know what that means- more drama. This week, it's not the usual drama, backstabbing, cheating, TV things like that. It's worse.
The more i immerse myself into YU the more i am falling for the people around me. The more i feel like i can do nothing to control my feelings, and my emotions are just carrying me. controlling every friendship and every relationship - and complicating them.
It's not good for me to fall for people around me, firstly b/c they're not gay, second of all b/c even knowing that, i lie to myself and tell myself i have a chance until that person manages to convince me otherwise. Sorry for those friends that this is weird for, but this is the reality. I spend hours thinking about my good friends, but sometimes its more- i want them to love me back, the way i love them. Its like a straight guy falling for a girl he cant have, or for a girl who is his best friend- he's in love with them, cares about them so much, but no matter how much they love him back its 'friendship' love, and that is by no means the feeling he needs.
Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just want someone so bad that i fall for those unavailable, clinging to every unrealistic hope of one day having them care about me as much as i care about them. I need to be falling out of love, not in love. And these are the things that distract me from my work, and the stress.

15 comments:

  1. So what are some practical steps you propose to do to handle this possibly uncomfortable situation? As somoene who enjoys talking to you whenever I see you is and much more for closer friends is there something they should or shouldnt do around you?

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  2. thank you my friend, but i don't know if there is anything TO do. Its really a difficult position to deal with, and my challenge to overcome, even tho the circumstance is that its a daily struggle.

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  3. its sad people open there mouths sometimes without recognizing the tremendous struggles!

    how would you respond to ppl who say... hang out with girls more! Not necessarily to "change" you but just to keep your mind off guys.

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  4. that im a YU student, and hanging out with girls isnt much of an option all day, or during midterms or classes or shiur.
    and that doesnt eliminate my desire to be in love, the same way a straight guy wants to fine his shidduch.

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  5. so in anticipation of your answer I wanted to know how you deal with other tayvas... eating non kosher, maybe stealing something, brekaing shabbos, etc or whatever you or a normal jew feels... what stops you form doing those things? Can that then maybe be applied to this area of your life? [well aware that the sexual drive and urge are sometimes much more intense than anything else... but worth a try]

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  6. i dont know what its like in ur head or how your body/mind work, but if you really believe in hashem then dont you think g-d wouldnt give you a struggle you cant overcome...I mean maybe your struggle isnt how to stop liking the guys that are part of your life, maybe the struggle is to go out and explore you friends of girls and have your feelings towards the guys but try to develop the same feelings towards a girl.

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  7. anon -

    you dont know what its like.. so not so smart to blabber!

    it can also be said in a MUCH LESS condescending tone!

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  8. thanks DB, but anon is just unaware. there are more posts on this blog for u to read. my life is a struggle, i never said 'hi, i love men end of story'. but this has been a 9 yr struggle (so far) and i'm pretty aware of my own feelings and emotions, and who i am capable of loving (or not). DB, let's continue our convo i another setting- email me.

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  9. very brave of you to post this. Kudos.

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  10. You don't have to be gay to have this dilemma. I fall in "like" or "love" with my friends all the time. Regardless, it is no fun :(

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  11. Although I’ve never been in love with any of my close friends before I can definitely relate. I also tend to fall for strait people who I don’t have a chance with.

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  12. Unrequited love is something that everyone encounters in their lifetime; gay, straight, Jewish, Catholic, white, black, etc. What defines us as mature and evolved human beings is our ability to cope with circumstances which are beyond our control and continue our journey through life without getting too jaded. Perhaps you are looking for a partner and getting too caught up in the romance of love to see as far as the practical aspect of having someone to share your life with. Practically speaking, you need to assess whether this individual is a good partner for you -- defined as someone who is as committed to a relationship with you as much as you are to him -- and not simply someone to whom you give your heart because your insecurity as an individual leaves you feeling grateful that they are your friend.

    Good luck.
    2Anon2

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  13. u dear dear boy. i feel your pain though im not immersed in the torah world any longer, its still a struggle sometimes for me as well.
    i admire u for attending yu and going along with alot of what i can only assume is turbulence and contradiction despite a huge effort to reinterpret some things.ur just like everyone else who wants love..we all do. i hope Hashem gives u and all of us strength to live our lives happy and hopefully with someone we love who can love us back with no regrets or doubts. AMEN

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  14. DB - even though you think that you can compare it to other tayvot, it is not analagous, in that if I had a desire to eat non-kosher, I try really hard and I avoid it, just as FG is doing by not having sex with all the friends that he is falling in love with. However, that doesnt prevent him from having a broken heart or the frustrations of having these desires dangled in front of his face day in and day out which can never be fulfilled.

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  15. Ok, I will be very blunt about this and ask this straight forward. Why CAN'T you simply LOVE another guy and find another frum gay guy that will Love you back WITHOUT the sex part. The torah forbids sex, not love.

    Ok, ok. I DO realize that even though you are a gay man, you are STILL a man. And like all men, we basically want what all guys want. But won't half your problems (ie, loneliness) be solved if you can simply find a companion to be with? You guys probably CAN do things together that don't revolve around intercourse. And I won't get any more specific than that.

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