Blogging for Me

When I came out, it wasn’t for anyone but myself. I came out to be true to who I was, because there was something inside of me that kept me from being myself around those I cared about most. Little did I know, coming out in the Orthodox community, and starting a blog, would change me forever.

Call me naïve, call me ignorant, call me what you will, but I honestly believed coming out wouldn’t change me at all. I was always gay; I was just letting people know at this point. I didn’t think about repercussions, but more than that, I didn’t think that there would even be repercussions. I didn’t think that within days I’d have numerous emails, text messages, and Facebook messages all with the same three words: “is it true?”

So I started a blog. I started a blog not to change the face of Orthodoxy and homosexuality, but simply so I could stop answering questions day in and day out- how’d you come out, why’d you come out, “is it true”. So instead, all those answers can be found in the last 120 or so postings. 

However, I soon learned an important lesson. Coming out was intended to be for me, to find my own inner peace, sense of self and happiness, and translate those emotions through my blog. Eventually, though, the blog transformed my coming out and my story, into the resource for all things religious and gay and I had all the answers and everyone should read my blog. The community began to talk and it became clear to me that what I had just done, changed the face of YU and of modern Orthodoxy because there had been so few who had done this before me.  

The greater impact of coming out was not on myself, but apparently, on those around me.  I let the blog take a life of it's own, and become a resource for those seeking answers. But there was never an intention to change the community or the world. And I lost sight of that after writing for a few months. I wrote as if I spoke for everyone, as if my word should change the world and as if I speak for all gay Jews. Looking back on this process, I understand now more than ever, that my writing is just for me and never intended to represent anyone else.

My Rabbis

Rather than go down the path of expressing my anger, frustration, sadness and struggle I thought I'd take the opportunity to discuss some of the better things that I've found being a gay Orthodox Jew- and hope to try and incorporate more happiness in my future posts.

The first Rabbi I came out to, in high school, simply expressed his wish to make things easier for me. No offered solutions, no discussing how to fix me, just admission, from my Rabbi, that he did not know what to do. The man I had looked up to for so many years, didn't have the solution- and at that point I realized there really was no solution and it would just have to be a path for me to forge, and create the life that would help me find happiness. It was a huge relief to have someone I respected so much struggling with me, trying to figure things out with me, and trying to help me forge a path- because he wanted me to find truth, just as much as I wanted to find it.

In Yeshiva in Israel, for a year and a half, one Rebbe worked with me on ignoring my sexuality, and not letting it be the only thing that occupied my mind, and replacing it with lots of Torah in order to avoid other issues. While not the best tactic, I was distracted from my "troubles" for a nice amount of time and really got a lot of learning done for the 15 months I was studying.

When I got to Yeshiva University, I came out to my Rabbi after I had come out to my friends and family, and figured I could build another relationship and role model. And I did. This man- a very religious, learned and respected Rabbi, albeit younger than most on campus- was the most supportive a Rabbi could be- especially given that I didn't come to him for support, just to have another close Rabbi in my life. His first response was "Wow, I can't believe someone in your shoes is still in my Shiur, learning daily and walking around as a religious Jew". He was awed and inspired by ME! He continued to hear my story and became a tremendous ally over my next few years on campus. He supported my dating men, supported my right to exist in the Orthodox community as a gay man.

None of this should be a shock, but I know for so many it is. Many people assume every Rabbi is bad, and everyone will reject them if they are Orthodox and gay- and I wanted to show that in my experience, that wasn't the case, and I'm so happy to have all their support to this day, and don't be scared of Rabbi's- especially in 2010, some of them can surprise you.

Opportunities

After coming out a lot of things changed for me. But i'm not even speaking personally, but professionally. I knew I was closing off my life from opportunities within the Yeshiva day schools or summer camps or NCSY, and it hurt, but I hoped somehow it would all be worth it. I came to YU b/c the opportunities of places to go from there within the Jewish Community- even out of the closet- were much greater than anywhere else.

While at YU I took a few small leadership opportunities and did a few things to keep myself content. But i knew it wasn't enough. I was just so scared that if I took more opportunities I would be rejected because of who I was. Or I wouldn't be comfortable on certain programs or people wouldn't be comfortable with me- rooming with them, hanging out with them, because while yes, the Orthodox world may need to open up a little more, it scared me to be the one to do it- and I didn't need to force them. If people wanted to open up, I was here, but if they didn't I didn't want to make trouble. But it really came at a high price as I missed out on some amazing experiences.

So recently, I took one of those experiences and applied to work within YU next year. I'm done sitting on the sidelines, and I just want to work within the Jewish community- and maybe even within the Modern Orthodox community, if they'll have me. I'm tired of running away from opportunities, and I'm tired of letting my fear of what trouble others may perceive me of causing, even though I never did anything of the sort, get in the way of where I want to go. So good luck to me on getting the job, if not, onto more endeavors.

A Novelty Item

I try not to complain about the mundane things, especially anything about my friends b/c I love them so much, and am so honored to have them in my life. But some friends (usually guys), be it individuals or groups as a whole, tend to focus on one part of me- my sexuality. I know it's not purposely, I know I am some what of a novelty item within the Orthodox Community and people have questions and that's fine and I'm here to answer them.

But honestly, sometimes it's hard to talk about it all the time, every day, every conversation. Especially when there's so much more to me, and especially when it's such a struggling issue, it's painful to talk about all the time. Sometimes it's my own fault for bringing it up in conversation, but usually my friends just want to know about different things- sometimes it's gay sex, sometimes gaydar, sometimes the struggles of religion, sometimes it's rating their attractiveness. It's hard for me to be this "topic of conversation", this person there to answer their questions- when I know that if I wasn't in their lives, they would never ask anyone else and it wouldn't be a big deal.

It's a little bit frustrating. Do they go around asking their straight girl friends who are girls which one of them is best looking? Rarely. It's not a comfortable position for them to put me in- even though they obviously don't do it purposely. And I don't stop them- sometimes it's nice to be the center of attention. But sometimes it's just awkward and I don't like being a novelty item.

I love all my friends and appreciate each and every relationship I have. Just wanted to vent a bit.

THE PAST MONTH AT YU

-Anonymous commentator article
http://www.yucommentator.com/opinion/the-gay-question-1.855249

-Panel Event, attended by 800 (full transcript)
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-gay-in-orthodox-world.html

-Response of the Roshei Yeshiva was a short letter plastered all over campus insensitively, signed by 6 rebbeim, the content was just rude, and it was unauthorized to be put up.

The Torah requires that we relate with sensitivity to a discreet individual who feels that he/she has a homosexual orientation, but abstains from any and all homosexual activity. Such sensitivity, however, cannot be allowed to erode the Torah’s unequivocal condemnation of homosexual activity. The Torah’s mitzvos and judgments are eternally true and binding. Homosexual activity constitutes an abomination. As such, publicizing or seeking legitimization even for the homosexual orientation one feels runs contrary to Torah. In any forum or on any occasion when appropriate sympathy for such discreet individuals is being discussed, these basic truths regarding homosexual feelings and activity must be emphatically re-affirmed.

-Response of Pres Richard Joel and Menahel R' Reiss

Message from the President and Menahel of REITS

In light of recent events, we want to reiterate the absolute prohibition of homosexual relationships according to Jewish law. Of course, as was indicated in a message issued by our Roshei Yeshiva, those struggling with this issue require due sensitivity, although such sensitivity cannot be allowed to erode the Torah's unequivocal condemnation of such activity. Sadly, as we have discovered, public gatherings addressing these issues, even when well intentioned, could send the wrong message and obscure the Torah's requirements of Halachik behavior and due modesty. Yeshiva has an obligation to ensure that its activities and events promote the primacy and sacredness of Torah in our lives and communities. We are committed to providing halachik guidance and sensitivity with respect to all challenges confronted by individuals within our broader community, including homosexual inclinations, in a discreet, dignified and appropriate fashion.

Pres Richard M. Joel
Menahel Rabbi Yonah Reiss

-Roshei Yeshiva (R' Twersky) still feels the need to respond:
http://www.torahweb.org/audioFrameset.html#audio=rtwe_122809

-Mordechai Levovitz responds to R' Twersky:
http://www.syaross.org/misc/gaypanel/response.html

-An intense debate on Mordechai's response:
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2010/01/mordechai-levovitzs-point-15.html

NOTEWORTHY LINKS:
R' Billet-
http://thejewishstar.wordpress.com/2009/12/29/opinion-compassion-is-also-a-jewish-virtue/
JPost-
http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1261364566095&pagename=JPost/JPArticle/ShowFull
Avi Kopsitck's response-
http://toleranceoncampus.blogspot.com/

-This is the Orthodox world. I am trying my hardest to make it work, and appreciate the support and courage of all those involved with me in the fight. So thank you all!
All I want is for teenagers/adults to stop hiding, to stop feeling guilty for who they are, and be happy.

Letters/Reactions

So. Last week was busy and intense and a bit overwhelming for the Orthodox Gay community. and for me.
-The night of the event and the morning after a letter was being posted signed by five or six Roshei Yeshiva, but very unofficial looking. On Friday Morning, an official letter came out from the President of YU and the Menahel of the Yeshiva- R' Reiss.

The Rabbi's reaction/letter did not have the right to go up. Every sign on campus is approved by administration, and these weren't approved by anyone. Even if signed by the Rabbis, they didn't have the right to make a million copies and hang them up. This letter said homosexuality is wrong (duh) and anyone 'struggling' should be dealt with in the appropriate matter, in a discreet and sensitive manner. It just took away from the event attended by over 600 people with 200 turned away at the door. Anyone that may have felt a sense of comfort and security from the support shown that night- this letter reiterated to all those gay Yeshiva Program students (the ones that learn till 3)- YES THEY DO EXIST- that their Rabbis will not discuss this publicly and they still need to feel ashamed of their emotions and at discomfort with their own tendencies.

The second letter was more sensitive- but elaborated that some 'could' have taken the wrong idea away from the event, that homosexuality is Halachikally okay. And it's not- fine, but I ask Pres Joel and Rabbi Reiss, then why did you allow it in the first place? and further, why was Rabbi Blau- the Mashgiach Ruchani of YU- the MODERATOR. HE was there to ensure there was no discussion of Halacha! And there wasn't. Also it discussed that the issue must be dealt with with sensitivity in the broader community- BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH HERE, IN THE YU COMMUNITY! It made me feel like my own school (administration) didn't want me. And it hurt.

I know YU needs to make Halacha clear and worry about donors and alumni, but I think they are doing it in an insensitive manner, and allowing their PR to overshadow the mental health and well being of many of their students.

I'm not speaking

This tuesday night 12/22, The Wurzweiler School of Social Work and the YU Tolerance Club are hosting an event called
"Being Gay in the Orthodox World
A Conversation with YU Community Members"
I love this event. I am involved with coordinating various aspects of it, and totally agree that it's time for something like this to happen at YU. However, I am upset that students are still bashing, taking down signs, and plan to protest the event - why? Because YU refuses to publicly take an official stance on the issue of homosexuality. Rebbeim refuse to say "this is an issue that needs to be understood and discussed". Instead, they let their students become bigots and hateful Jews.

Putting that aside, I will not be speaking on the panel. I would love to speak on the panel, to share my experiences to put a face to the issue of homosexuality and have everyone know that this isn't something going away or a problem to keep hidden. However, for personal reasons- for my reputation as a student leader, my future in the Jewish community, and for my relationship with my family- I do not feel it would be appropriate for me to speak. I'm out of the closet- which has caused enough controversy already and I really do not feel the need to push it in my family's faces any further. I wish I could share my story at an open YU forum, but I guess that's why I have the blog, To do what I can, but take a more subtle approach for everyone to see only if they want to.

Overwhelmed

Not with stress, but with life.
For all who haven’t read it yet- http://www.yucommentator.com/opinion/the-gay-question-1.855249
Now, Here are my thoughts. Good article, yes. Great article, yes. I think this student really captured many of the feelings of an Orthodox Jew in the closet hoping one day ppl will be open to accepting him, and sooner rather than later. He also proposes solutions instead of just complaining. Especially when compared to a YU Article written last year, this one is miles ahead and I proudly salute the author.
However, I’m confused about one thing- why are so many people floored by this article? Why are so many ppl so shocked about the feelings of homosexuality? Did I not go through my own hell and trauma before I came out? If I wrote an article about hardships, would I get the positive response I know this author has gotten from everyone? I believe not and here’s why- the world is more sensitive to someone in the closet. The world is more concerned and caring for someone as long as you don’t know exactly who they are. It's much easier for everyone to be caring and loving when they are talking to an email address, not an actual person. But when it’s someone you know, or someone who’s out, the world is more likely to say ‘oh, him’. And I think until people see that the struggle exists for everyone, and anyone, closeted or not, your best friend or someone you don’t even know, the community will still have made very little progress. No matter how ‘bad’ you feel for someone.

What I did

just for update purposes- THE STRESS IS (SORTA) OVER :-) anyway......

The past 15 months or so, out of the closet, have been a unique experience for me, but an experience I wouldn't have any other way. For me to be happy, I had to come out inorder to accept who I was and stop lying to everyone else. But I was not prepared for what followed.
The talking about me, the comments, the looks, and the phone calls, textys and IMs from friends 'is it true?'. Okay so maybe i expected that much. But i thought it would subside, at some point and it did- with my friends- but everywhere i went i would say all of my junior year of college- i felt like one label followed me around: gay. and that was not wha i (thought)i had signed up for.
At then end of last year i ran for student office, yes, a big deal, but i didn't want it to be a big deal. I didnt want to be the gay president in YU, i wanted to be 'vote for wink'. and i won the elections
and this year, the past four months have been about showing ppl that there is a lot more to me than my sexuality. especially in student office, i think it was the best thing i could do post-coming out, to show ppl now that you all know im gay- here are the other things i can do.
And i wouldnt have done it any other way.