God Doesn't Challenge...

Recently I’ve come to the conclusions that haters are going to hate, no matter what. And usually there’s nothing you can do about it, but advocate the positive things you have to contribute instead of constantly responding to negative attacks. However, there is one constant phrase that plagued me while I was in the closet, and now follows me that I’m out. There is a popular Jewish/ philosophical concept: God doesn’t give someone a challenge they cannot overcome.

The first thing to understand is what is a challenge? Is being blind a challenge? I would say so. Is having a mental disorder a challenge? I would say yes to that as well. But is being a homosexual a challenge? From a religious perspective it certainly is, but from a sociological perspective it doesn’t have to be. But we’re on the religious page now. So if it is indeed a religious challenge, what does it mean to overcome it- To be a celibate person? To “cure” one’s sexuality? Those options don’t seem like “overcoming” anything. The deaf cannot fulfill numerous commandments of God that require listening, but are they told that God handed them a challenge and they must overcome it? No. They must do the best they can with what they were given.

I was given homosexuality. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t go looking for it, I just felt it. Overcoming the challenge of homosexuality, to me, even from a religious perspective, means getting to a place where it is no longer a challenge. Accepting, understanding and analyzing who you are and where your attractions lie, to me, is overcoming the challenge. As I have said so many times before, it’s very easy for someone who has not struggled with sexuality to say “get over it, God wouldn’t give you a challenge you couldn’t overcome”. But until the person saying that understands this particular issue, they never really have the right to say “get over it”.

Coming from someone who did face a challenge and struggled for so many years with sexuality, let ME tell YOU, I have overcome it.

Challenge Everything

This post is dedicated to Eric James Borges, 19, and Phillip Parker, 14, the two most recent victims of bullying and anti-gay sentiment.

Being gay makes a person question everything. A lot of people assume that when one comes out of the closet, they automatically go “off the Derech”, or lose their religiosity/ most of the Jewish practices they had previously kept. While I may not have left the community, anyone who knows me, or anyone who has read the Blog for the past two and a half years, knows that I have changed, and yes, have become what many would call “less” religious.

Why is there this perceived trend? Not because it’s not true- it really is true that most people will leave their Orthodox communities and change many of their beliefs and practices once they come out of the closet. I used to think this was because they felt rejected from orthodoxy. And while this does have something to do with it, I want to posit something a bit deeper. Being gay, acknowledging that there is a part of you, created by God or developed as you grew up, that inherently desires you to act against religion makes you question why and how this is possible. One is forced to acknowledge the possibility that the Torah, at the very least, has been misinterpreted over the past few thousand years, or maybe even be wrong, and that makes you change your thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

How can a person be gay and religious? How can God create someone gay, or develop a gay identity within a person and then tell them that they cannot act on it? This question rocks so much of the foundation of everything the Orthodox community raised me to believe. For that reason many of my gay friends and I will all question things about religion that we hadn’t before acknowledging our sexuality.  I question how accurate the Rabbis were in their interpretations and what biases were brought into the Talmud and codified law. Many others in today’s world think and question the same way, but for myself, and maybe for other gay people as well, it’s the underpinning of being gay that drives these questions. These questions that make a person rethink every law, not just the law and interpretation of homosexuality. For anyone that's ever experienced the dissonance with the Torah- that a part of their being and who they are is delegitimized by the Torah, they understand what I'm talking about.

And if they haven't experienced such a challenge, they cannot possibly understand what those who have go through. As I have written about many times before- it is not any one person's place to judge another person's thoughts or behaviors about religion, especially when they are not in that person’s exact shoes.

Allies

In LGBT culture, there's been the notion of "allies" for a long time. An ally is most commonly associated with someone who is a friend of gay people and a supporter of gay rights, or people who go out of their way to ensure equality of gay people is achieved and makes it a part of their ideology, despite being heterosexual themselves.

I want to mention first, the concept of a "true ally". A true ally is someone who, despite being heterosexual themselves, make no distinction between gay and straight. In their heads, it doesn't mean anything that one person is gay and one person is straight. People are people, and sexual expression and orientation are different for each person. A true ally doesn't ask homocentric questions in order to "understand" or be more competent about their gay friends, but simply knows that everyone leads their own lives and nothing is therefore inherently homocentric or heterocentric. True allies are rare and surprising in Orthodox Judaism, as most Orthodox Jews are so stunned to find a gay person in their midst, it suddenly leads to questions and probing, as if the gay person is an alien for studying. It's always better to ask a question instead of avoiding it, but the true ally doesn't even have questions in the first place.

Along these lines, there's the opposite type of "ally" (and I use that term loosely).  From the straight female to gay male perspective, it's the friend who thinks that being gay is the coolest thing in the world- especially because it means now they have a gay best friend. The friend who suddenly takes you shopping and gossips about boys and asks you what they should wear, simply because you're gay. And not that the true ally can't do these things, but with this friend there's the underpinning of "I'm only friends with you because you're gay". When someone comes out, it doesn't suddenly mean that they are now a stereotype, or that they can now go to musicals and shop with you. It just means that they are expressing a same-sex attraction, and everything else about them is likely not to change.

I acknowledge that stereotypes and cliches exist for a reason, but I also acknowledge that very rarely do all stereotypes fit one person. I understand that after coming out, many gay people begin expressing stereotypical behaviors that were suppressed before, but that doesn't make them exclusively gay to the exclusion of their before-coming-out characteristics, traits, likes and dislikes. A true ally understands that meeting someone who is gay is not meeting a homosexual, but meeting a person. And this is something that every "ally" should try to understand.

Hide and Seek

It's that time again- where Ely posts rants and angry blog posts that stir up a lot of people and cause trouble, because I'm actually speaking from my heart. Well it's been a while since I've done that, so here goes again.

Rant One- Being fake. I can't stand being fake, but I am. And all my friends are, and I feel like most of my community is, and there are only a few people who I trust to not be that way. Most of us lie, we hide things, we're not honest about our true selves because we're scared of what other people will think of us. Everyone tiptoes around each other and pretends to be happy just to avoid the judgment of their so called "friends".  Well let me tell you something, if they judge you, they're not your real friends. If they look down on you for one behavior or another, they're not your real friends. And I find this in every corner of my community. People pretending to be something they're not just to please others. I thought when I came out of the closet that my biggest secret was out there, and I would never have to hide anymore. But that's not true. I hide things on a daily basis, and it sucks.

Rant Two- Assumptions. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Everyone loves making assumptions about each other. This boy and this girl have been seen together twice and therefore they must be a couple. This gay guy is really good friends with this straight person, and therefore, the straight person must actually be gay. Well, it's not always that simple. So however much society likes to group people or box things into neat little packages in order to better understand them, they're usually and most often WRONG. They hurt people by making accusations, they spread rumors and gossip and it only makes people suffer.

So I guess these two connect. In an ideal world- Everyone would stop being fake. If people are finally able to show their true selves, and speak out about who they are, maybe some of the judgments will stop.  If we no longer lie, and hide, to accept others for who they are, then others will stop having to label and assume things which are wrong.  But this world is not ideal, and the Orthodox Jewish community is certainly not. So I suggest, try and be yourselves, try and find a community and friends where you feel the absolute most comfortable to be yourself. And stop trying to label others, stop assuming what's going on in someone else's life and realize that if people want you to know something, hopefully they'll tell you. But if they don't, it is NOT your place to judge.

It's Yours, Pt. II (or, No Day But Today)

Roughly 16 months ago I posted "It's Yours" to encourage my friends to understand their sexuality and understand where they are in their sexual lives, in order to ease the tension of painful marriages and uncomfortable situations of homosexuals dating heterosexuals and not even knowing themselves that they're not actually attracted to the other.

To expand on that, over the past few years I've been watching how many struggles so many people go through because they feel the need to act a certain way when that's not really who they are or how they feel. This post isn't just about sexuality. It's about your life. Your life is yours to own, yours to control, and yours to make decisions with. Too many people suffer because they insist on doing things other people expect of them, instead of doing what they need to do for themselves.

So many just succumb to their "roles"- be it in their families, with their peers, based on their religion or their gender expectations- but not because it's the role they are meant to fill. People expect that if someone follows societal norms or does whatever is expected of them, everything will magically work out.  They do not take the time to think what would be best for them- and how to integrate who they are with their everyday lives. They will find happiness, love, or whatever they desire- because that's what "everyone else" has. But no one really has any of those things unless they take the time to understand who they are themselves, what they want for themselves, and how to go about getting those things.

So the next time you rethink a decision because it's not what is expected of you, ask yourself what you truly want. Don't expect that being perfect in the eyes of others will make you perfect in your own eyes. Find out what career path is best for you, what hobbies you are most interested in, and, yes, find out what gender you're attracted to. Because your life is yours to understand, yours to control, and yours to own. And no one can tell you otherwise.

Frum Gay Marriage

I readily acknowledge, as most people do, that their communities and cultures impact decisions they make in their lives. For some people, it's at what age to get married, for some people it's what standards of dress to adhere to. These are things we look to society to help us decide how to behave or appropriate etiquette. As I take steps in my life, and as I take steps in my relationship, I often find myself wondering what is the Frum and gay society? What are the standards and "norms" that can help inform the decisions I make in my own life? And I know the answer, there are none. Since being Frum and gay is very unique, there is no societal norm or cultural standards to help decisions I need to make.

For one example, there is the issue of marriage. In most Frum communities, marriage is expected of a couple anywhere from the ages of 21-24. After that is fine, but generally many people put the most pressure on themselves during that stage in their lives because society dictated it. In the gay world, the emphasis on marriage is later in one's life, usually a person's early thirties. So which standards should I be adhering to? Religious people get married out of love, and in order for it to be socially acceptable for them to be sharing a life and a home as part of the religious community they must get married. But a religious gay person has no standards for how and when or even if the community will accept them as a couple.

An blogger this week, found here (Loveless Marriages), argues that secular marriages revolve around love and intimacy while Jewish marriages revolve more around community and family, and for this reason, it may not be such a bad idea for same-sex attracted men and women to marry each other as part of continuing our communities and traditions. In addition, the author hypothesizes that this is why secular marriages breakup, while more religious marriages stay together- because of community. I strongly disagree with this, and felt my opinion complements what I have written above.

To build the foundation of a marriage simply on community and platonic love, is not enough to sustain it, in my opinion.  What it takes is community and intimate love, together. Frum and gay people need to start building standards and setting norms to support each other. It is extremely confusing for a gay man or gay woman in the orthodox community, and while pressures to adhere to norms are strong, I think (yes, my own opinion) that everyone needs love and intimacy to sustain a marriage- even religious people- and for that reason, opposite-sex homosexuals marrying one another is not a solution, but only perpetuates the problem of orthodox Jews unwilling to address the issues of gay people in the community. 

Community

Recently, a new "wave" of Orthodox Judaism has come to light in my life, something that I know a lot of people are going to take issue with, but is still worth mentioning. I just would like to remind everyone to try and open their minds, as I have always done, and remember- live and let live- no one person, group or community has the right to judge another.

Halachic Orthodoxy is how I grew up.  Communities where everyone in it were assumed to be Orthodox by practice, keeping the law to Orthodox standards, and while some may be more strict than others, everyone belongs to one synagogue and is more or less on the same practicing religious level. Recently, however, I've noticed some things in a number of communities throughout the country, that has led me to come up with another category of Orthodoxy- communal Orthodoxy. In communal Orthodoxy, many grew up practicing Halachic Orthodoxy and some haven't, but everyone- whatever level of practicing they uphold- belong in this community.  It is an Orthodox community, but everyone has the right to uphold whatever standards of Orthodoxy they may or may not practice.

I know, "if people do this, it's not an Orthodox community". Or, "that's traditional, that's not Orthodox", or, "you can't pick and choose in Orthodox Judaism". And you may be right according to your own personal definitions of Orthodoxy, or your community's definition of Orthodoxy, but there are many people in an increasingly diverse world, that disagree. And there are many community's that are more and more willing to accept people in their doors, even if it's never expected of them to uphold Orthodox practices.  There's such a thing as Orthodox values, without upholding every letter of the law, or just wanting to be part of an Orthodox community without necessarily upholding every practice or Halacha that generic Orthodox communities have subscribed to or come to expect from their members.

And I'll tell you why I prefer these "communal" Orthodox communities, and it's not just because they should obviously be more accepting of LGBTQ members. It's because in general, most members of Orthodox communities are not upholding every letter of the law- but instead they go to synagogue and interact with so many others on the most superficial of levels, just pretending that they're all the same level of practicing Orthodox Jews. Instead, in some newer communities, I find that no one assumes anything about their friends, no one has the right to judge, and everyone is open to everyone else. Regardless of what specific laws they may or may not keep.  

The Struggle, pt. III

I've grown. I'll admit it and I'm proud of it. I've grown so much over the past few years, and as this post marks my second year of the blog, I'll admit that things have changed; that I've changed, that the community has changed, that life got a lot better. And I am extremely thankful for the love and support of those around me.

But it's not over. The struggle isn't over because I've found a semblance of peace and happiness. Because sometimes, I still feel off. Sometimes, I still feel out of place. I feel alone. Not because I am alone, but because I live in a community that sometimes makes me feel alone. It's not that I want acceptance- I have that. It's not that I want a relationship- I have one. But when it comes down to it, the Orthodox Jewish community is a heterocentric hub with 2000 years of tradition. Almost always, men will marry women in Orthodox communities. Shabbat tables will discuss the latest boy-girl couples and engagements and weddings. And I can't change that. But I also can't change who I am. Am I selfish for expecting everyone to help me feel comfortable? Perhaps. But no matter how much my straight friends love me, I will always feel different. No matter how much of a place I have in my community, I will never feel like I fully belong.

There are times when I get hugs from my friends and wonder- will they hug their children if one day their kids come out of the closet? There's so much more growth and work to be done because in reality, while my community has accepted me, have they accepted homosexuality? The answer is obviously no. And the answer probably will be no for a long time, and that's a really hard fact for me to face. That's another aspect of feeling alone, that I am alone in being accepted, that there are so few Orthodox gay Jews out there who are happy and comfortable in their communities.

I was warned about this years ago, when gay friends told me I would never be able to stay in the community I love so much. I was warned that I would feel out of place or rejected. Thank God I didn't. And I don't. I know my friends love me and my community loves me. But that doesn't help me feel like everyone else, because I will never be like everyone else. There are neighborhoods and communities out there where majority of the population is gay, or it's 50/50, and that's when someone doesn't feel alone. But when someone goes against their society's created standard for "normal" (ie- being Frum and gay), they will feel alone.  And that's part of the dissonance, discomfort and disparity of being gay in a Frum community.

The Shabbat Table

I’ve mentioned before how every weekend, the Shabbat Table conversation will very often revolve around topics like who’s getting married, who’s dating, what’s going on in the community and gossip like that. Growing up, once or twice the question of “who’s gay” also came up a few times, and it is slightly offensive to think that now my name is brought up around Shabbat Tables. But people will talk.

More than people talking, however, are people asking questions. I attend many meals, and anyone who knows me knows that I am an open and proud homosexual. Generally, within minutes of meeting me, many will ask about others they suspect who may or may not be gay. They ask me to confirm rumors, to voice my suspicions- and make no mistake, it’s a really difficult position for me to be in. I will never out someone, but often feel that I do not want to lie or I feel pressure to answer honestly, in hopes of building trust and friendship with the people I’m spending time with. But I fight myself, because I know how hard it can be for someone to be in the closet- especially when others are talking and speculating about him or her. I don’t out people, and have been working on myself to keep a poker face and not make backhanded comments that can really ruin someone’s reputation.

But the bigger picture issue here is- why am I even being asked these questions? It’s not my job, nor other people’s jobs to question someone’s sexuality. It’s not my job, nor anyone else’s job, to force someone out of the closet. I do hope, with my activism and my blog, that I encourage people to come out and not run away from who they are. I hope people see that it is possible to be gay and religious and out at the same time. But if someone chooses not to, it is not the community’s job to speculate, spread rumors, or to discuss around the Shabbos Table what someone’s sexuality is.

Tolerance/Intolerance

(note: apology for the blog lag this month, finals in school)
Agree to disagree, love to hate, hate to love, sick and tired of being tired and sick, there are so many contradictions in this world, how can we ever just get along? Well, we can. I've had the pleasure of discussions and conversations with people that I may never agree with. But you know what? That doesn't mean I don't respect their choices. I respect you if your opinion differs from mine, I respect you if you don't "approve" of my lifestyle, but I don't respect you if you talk down to me as if you are any better than me, because we all have our flaws, and homosexuality is not a flaw.

I preach tolerance, I preach open-mindedness and I preach discussion. I preach respect, honesty, and conviction. I implore all my readers to question everything and never believe without knowing why you believe. I respect people different from me and communities and cultures that are different from my own. However, there is something I don't respect- people who don't respect each other. Communities that don't provide equal rights to their members because of sex, age, orientation or any variety of other factors. People should never be told or commanded to to act by others around them without being able to make decisions and decide for themselves what they'd like to do. It's one thing for a community to have laws and rules, it's another to post signs in public that tell people how to behave. It's not Jewish law, it's not legal law, it's a communal restriction that can make many feel oppressed and uncomfortable. In addition, who is it that puts up these signs or makes these laws? Who has the power to control what others can and cannot do?

I choose to live in America, and therefore to follow American law. I choose to be an Orthodox Jew, and therefore follow Orthodox law. There are societies and communities worldwide, however, that do not have such freedom and such choices. I'm thankful to be in such an open country, and concerned for the communities that in a free world, choose to be oppressive to members of their own society. I am intolerant of intolerance.

We R who We R

Recently I've been questioning my own self esteem, my own character and my own identity because of who I hang out with. For anyone who knows me personally, this is not like me. For the past 3 years I have felt nothing but confidence in who I am and what path my life is on. But I let judgments of others get to me until finally I understood what was actually going on.

I love my friends. I don't choose my friends because they run in the same social circle as me, I don't choose my friends because we have a,b,c or x,y,z in common. I choose my friends because of who they are, not because of who I am. I choose my friends because of them, what they believe in, not based on how they portray themselves of how they may appear to others. I pride myself in my ability to see beneath the surface of a person's external practices or behaviors, but instead to see who a person is on the inside, and that's why they are in my life. My friends are not, nor have ever been, part of one circle or one group. My friends have always spanned a spectrum of all different types of people, and this is why it's even hard to balance all the people that I want to have in my life because sometimes I come across the most amazing people, and just because someone may not see the good in a friend of mine, doesn't give them the right to question who I am based on that. And I certainly shouldn't be questioning myself because of them.

I take offense to those that have been questioning my own character and the character of different people I keep in my life. Who is anyone in this world to judge anyone else? We all have our flaws, but we all expect our friends to accept us knowing those flaws. I don't only write this blog to explain how because I'm gay, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or that you should accept me despite my sexuality, but I write this blog to say that in general, there's more to every person than meets the eye, and no one can ever assume or judge someone else because of something they may perceive. We all are who we are despite what others think of us, and we should always remember that before we question our friends' choices and behaviors.

One Other Thing

In a recent interview, found HERE, I was asked two very difficult questions - one is in the last post, and the other in this post. Shout out to the awesome YU Beacon and my interviewer for letting me share this.

The YU Beacon asked me for one piece of advice to give to gay Orthodox teens. At first I was very overwhelemed, like the last question- there were so many options to answer- that it would get better, that no matter what happens I would find my way, that who I was was okay. So the way I answered this question was by looking back. If there was one thing I would have wanted to be told in high school, what would it have been?

I answered the following:

Not to let others dictate who they are or how they should feel. Regardless of communal pressure, familial pressures, and all the stresses in the world, every single person is an individual, and has the right to be who they are. Because in ten years, the same people making fun of them now will either have grown up enough to understand or not be in their lives any longer, so what they say really can’t define who a person is.

There's really not much to explain about this one. I realized the number one issue in high school, for myself and so many others- not just those struggling with being gay- is peer pressure. Not drugs or drinking, but peer pressure to fit in to society's molds, peer pressure to "belong" or be "normal", like everyone else seems to be. If someone had told me in high school that it was okay to be different, I may not have believed them- but I still would've liked to hear it. To know that the cool kids and the jocks and the nerds- that none of those labels would matter in just a few years, because when we grow up we realize that we are who we are, regardless of what boxes others try to place us in. We find our circles, we find our friends who loves us for who we are- we're not forced into a confined world where we are subscribed to "roles" and "expectations" from everyone around us. We know that if our friends do that, they're not our friends- and at 23 years old, or even 18 years old, it gets much easier to go out and find those who will love us without wanting to change us.

So that's my advice to anyone struggling in the world. Be who you are, and don't let anyone else change you.