Allies

In LGBT culture, there's been the notion of "allies" for a long time. An ally is most commonly associated with someone who is a friend of gay people and a supporter of gay rights, or people who go out of their way to ensure equality of gay people is achieved and makes it a part of their ideology, despite being heterosexual themselves.

I want to mention first, the concept of a "true ally". A true ally is someone who, despite being heterosexual themselves, make no distinction between gay and straight. In their heads, it doesn't mean anything that one person is gay and one person is straight. People are people, and sexual expression and orientation are different for each person. A true ally doesn't ask homocentric questions in order to "understand" or be more competent about their gay friends, but simply knows that everyone leads their own lives and nothing is therefore inherently homocentric or heterocentric. True allies are rare and surprising in Orthodox Judaism, as most Orthodox Jews are so stunned to find a gay person in their midst, it suddenly leads to questions and probing, as if the gay person is an alien for studying. It's always better to ask a question instead of avoiding it, but the true ally doesn't even have questions in the first place.

Along these lines, there's the opposite type of "ally" (and I use that term loosely).  From the straight female to gay male perspective, it's the friend who thinks that being gay is the coolest thing in the world- especially because it means now they have a gay best friend. The friend who suddenly takes you shopping and gossips about boys and asks you what they should wear, simply because you're gay. And not that the true ally can't do these things, but with this friend there's the underpinning of "I'm only friends with you because you're gay". When someone comes out, it doesn't suddenly mean that they are now a stereotype, or that they can now go to musicals and shop with you. It just means that they are expressing a same-sex attraction, and everything else about them is likely not to change.

I acknowledge that stereotypes and cliches exist for a reason, but I also acknowledge that very rarely do all stereotypes fit one person. I understand that after coming out, many gay people begin expressing stereotypical behaviors that were suppressed before, but that doesn't make them exclusively gay to the exclusion of their before-coming-out characteristics, traits, likes and dislikes. A true ally understands that meeting someone who is gay is not meeting a homosexual, but meeting a person. And this is something that every "ally" should try to understand.

Hide and Seek

It's that time again- where Ely posts rants and angry blog posts that stir up a lot of people and cause trouble, because I'm actually speaking from my heart. Well it's been a while since I've done that, so here goes again.

Rant One- Being fake. I can't stand being fake, but I am. And all my friends are, and I feel like most of my community is, and there are only a few people who I trust to not be that way. Most of us lie, we hide things, we're not honest about our true selves because we're scared of what other people will think of us. Everyone tiptoes around each other and pretends to be happy just to avoid the judgment of their so called "friends".  Well let me tell you something, if they judge you, they're not your real friends. If they look down on you for one behavior or another, they're not your real friends. And I find this in every corner of my community. People pretending to be something they're not just to please others. I thought when I came out of the closet that my biggest secret was out there, and I would never have to hide anymore. But that's not true. I hide things on a daily basis, and it sucks.

Rant Two- Assumptions. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Everyone loves making assumptions about each other. This boy and this girl have been seen together twice and therefore they must be a couple. This gay guy is really good friends with this straight person, and therefore, the straight person must actually be gay. Well, it's not always that simple. So however much society likes to group people or box things into neat little packages in order to better understand them, they're usually and most often WRONG. They hurt people by making accusations, they spread rumors and gossip and it only makes people suffer.

So I guess these two connect. In an ideal world- Everyone would stop being fake. If people are finally able to show their true selves, and speak out about who they are, maybe some of the judgments will stop.  If we no longer lie, and hide, to accept others for who they are, then others will stop having to label and assume things which are wrong.  But this world is not ideal, and the Orthodox Jewish community is certainly not. So I suggest, try and be yourselves, try and find a community and friends where you feel the absolute most comfortable to be yourself. And stop trying to label others, stop assuming what's going on in someone else's life and realize that if people want you to know something, hopefully they'll tell you. But if they don't, it is NOT your place to judge.

The Struggle, pt. III

I've grown. I'll admit it and I'm proud of it. I've grown so much over the past few years, and as this post marks my second year of the blog, I'll admit that things have changed; that I've changed, that the community has changed, that life got a lot better. And I am extremely thankful for the love and support of those around me.

But it's not over. The struggle isn't over because I've found a semblance of peace and happiness. Because sometimes, I still feel off. Sometimes, I still feel out of place. I feel alone. Not because I am alone, but because I live in a community that sometimes makes me feel alone. It's not that I want acceptance- I have that. It's not that I want a relationship- I have one. But when it comes down to it, the Orthodox Jewish community is a heterocentric hub with 2000 years of tradition. Almost always, men will marry women in Orthodox communities. Shabbat tables will discuss the latest boy-girl couples and engagements and weddings. And I can't change that. But I also can't change who I am. Am I selfish for expecting everyone to help me feel comfortable? Perhaps. But no matter how much my straight friends love me, I will always feel different. No matter how much of a place I have in my community, I will never feel like I fully belong.

There are times when I get hugs from my friends and wonder- will they hug their children if one day their kids come out of the closet? There's so much more growth and work to be done because in reality, while my community has accepted me, have they accepted homosexuality? The answer is obviously no. And the answer probably will be no for a long time, and that's a really hard fact for me to face. That's another aspect of feeling alone, that I am alone in being accepted, that there are so few Orthodox gay Jews out there who are happy and comfortable in their communities.

I was warned about this years ago, when gay friends told me I would never be able to stay in the community I love so much. I was warned that I would feel out of place or rejected. Thank God I didn't. And I don't. I know my friends love me and my community loves me. But that doesn't help me feel like everyone else, because I will never be like everyone else. There are neighborhoods and communities out there where majority of the population is gay, or it's 50/50, and that's when someone doesn't feel alone. But when someone goes against their society's created standard for "normal" (ie- being Frum and gay), they will feel alone.  And that's part of the dissonance, discomfort and disparity of being gay in a Frum community.

Ain't life funny?

Something that always bothered me about homosexuality- whether in high school, when I was in the closet or when I came out 2 and a half years ago- is how funny it is. Let me explain. In most institutions that I went to, Jewish High School and college, being gay was funny. Being gay is funny. It's hilarious. For many straight men, and I can't speak for women because I don't know, being gay is hilarious- it's cool to inappropriately touch other men, it's funny to walk around holding another guy's hand or speaking with a lisp.

But I want to explain something- being gay is not funny. In fact, every time something like that happened in high school or any other time while I was in the closet, it made me uncomfortable. It made me hurt, because they were laughing not because being gay was an enjoyable pastime, but because it was a joke. But for me it wasn't a joke, for me it was reality. And when I was in the closet and someone would do something stereotypically gay to make fun of "the gays", it hurt me because they were making fun of me.

Now that I'm out of the closet it doesn't hurt, because I'm happy with who I am and if you want to make fun of me that's your choice. All the more so, I know that when someone makes fun of someone else they're usually doing it because of insecurities within themselves, especially the older someone gets, because a person should be free to live as they choose, and others should never be judging them. But anyway, what doesn't hurt when I see making fun, is that to this day, I know that there are people still in the closet suffering in silence like I did for so many years, who are still hurt when people or "friends" run around, pretending to be gay, making funny jokes about being gay. Because when people make fun of someone else, they're essentially putting them beneath themselves, like gay people are less than them, and their feelings don't matter. And that's just not true.

We R who We R

Recently I've been questioning my own self esteem, my own character and my own identity because of who I hang out with. For anyone who knows me personally, this is not like me. For the past 3 years I have felt nothing but confidence in who I am and what path my life is on. But I let judgments of others get to me until finally I understood what was actually going on.

I love my friends. I don't choose my friends because they run in the same social circle as me, I don't choose my friends because we have a,b,c or x,y,z in common. I choose my friends because of who they are, not because of who I am. I choose my friends because of them, what they believe in, not based on how they portray themselves of how they may appear to others. I pride myself in my ability to see beneath the surface of a person's external practices or behaviors, but instead to see who a person is on the inside, and that's why they are in my life. My friends are not, nor have ever been, part of one circle or one group. My friends have always spanned a spectrum of all different types of people, and this is why it's even hard to balance all the people that I want to have in my life because sometimes I come across the most amazing people, and just because someone may not see the good in a friend of mine, doesn't give them the right to question who I am based on that. And I certainly shouldn't be questioning myself because of them.

I take offense to those that have been questioning my own character and the character of different people I keep in my life. Who is anyone in this world to judge anyone else? We all have our flaws, but we all expect our friends to accept us knowing those flaws. I don't only write this blog to explain how because I'm gay, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or that you should accept me despite my sexuality, but I write this blog to say that in general, there's more to every person than meets the eye, and no one can ever assume or judge someone else because of something they may perceive. We all are who we are despite what others think of us, and we should always remember that before we question our friends' choices and behaviors.

Coming Out, Part II

Happy weekend to you all. Part of Eshel last weekend, we discussed many issues relating to coming out and telling your family and friends about a sexual orientation. When it comes to being LGBT, especially in the Orthodox world, coming out is automatically associated with rejection, hate, and removal from a community. Many in the closet presume that coming out will isolate themselves from all they know and love in their communities.

I'm here to try and persuade some of you otherwise. It's really important that you come out, if you're ready, and not to be scared about other people's reactions. I've said over and over again that everyone needs to be an individual and not worry about what other people think- but now I'm saying more than that. More often than not, my friends were upset at me for holding in my sexuality. Yes, mad at me. They were upset I had presumed they would react negatively, and were upset that I thought just because I was gay, they would leave me. So many assured me they wouldn't- and they haven't. In fact, many of my friends and I became closer after I came out, because I was finally open and honest with them about who I was.

Not only is it important not to let the community and our friends dictate who we are and how we should behave, but we should be giving them the benefit of the doubt! We should assume and expect that they be supportive- because so many are! For those still in the closet, just know that you're friends can so often surprise you and be supportive, more than you could have ever expected. This was a sentiment shared by many gay Orthodox people at the weekend. We all found that coming out was a much more pleasant experience than we had anticipated and people were a lot more ready to support us than they were to leave us.

Coming out is a preocess that one has to be ready for, that they feel they need to do, and that they do at their own pace and time. However, when that time comes that one feels they are ready, don't let the fear of other people's reactions stop you. More often than not, I have found, their love and support will surprise you.

Resolution

I know it's lame to call my first post of the New Year resolution, but instead of just being angry, I would like to suggest that we all resolve a few things for the new year.

Apparently, it is common for members of my "loving" and "supportive" community to question my roommates- past and present- about living with a gay guy. Won't it be weird? What if he, like, y'know, tries stuff? Thank God I have actual loving and supportive roommates who make me feel incredible about being in this community, where I so often feel and fear that I don't belong. I was so nervous to move to a new community because I didn't think I'd find anyone who would live with me. I thank my close friends in a addition to my roommates, for always making me feel part of a world that tries so hard to reject me.

But even when I think progress is being made and the community is opening it's mind a little bit, while I know it is, it's so hard to continue on when you know that behind your back, everyone asks "won't it be weird living with a gay guy". Hey world- wake up! I'm just like everyone else, with attractions only to certain people, with the ability to control my desires and needs- and not the audacity or tastelessness to hit on any living male creature.

Anyway, I'm annoyed that people still question my ability to be a normal person. But on a similar level, any friends that are supportive of me and the community also get questioned- are they gay too? Otherwise, why would they be so supportive? The notion that someone supporting a friend or a community with the need for support gets judged for trying to be a good person is one of the worst qualities of judgment.

So I challenge those in the Orthodox world- and those outside of it- to open their minds in the new year and realize that not only can I belong, but I am just like everyone else. To make the resolution to not just "be tolerant" but to accept anyone for who they are- regardless of their personal sexual preference or because of who they support.

A Superhero?

For so many people, being gay is not an option. It doesn’t fit with their lives, with their plans, with their communities, with their friends, with their families or even with themselves. In addition to just the generic societal values, classic Orthodox Jewish law and belief are almost entirely heterocentric. This is what complicated my life growing up. At the early onset of my teenage year, I began to feel different from everyone around me. I wasn’t like the other boys for whatever the reason, and I wasn’t attracted to girls like my guy friends always talked about. When I came to realize I was gay, at about 15, I never thought in a million years that I would ever be able to accept such a reality. I fought and fought, until finally I realized that I was fighting no one. That there was no one in the world that had the right to tell me that I could not be religious and gay. So at the age of 21, I came out of the closet. However, that was not the end of the struggle- it was the beginning of a whole new one.

My closed Orthodox community was not used to someone trying to break the mold like I was, so I found a gay Jewish community that I made my closest friends- but went home every day to my Orthodox community where I had close friends that would always love me, but had so many other people I wanted in my life, but who didn't necessarily want me in theirs, or that's how I felt. I love my friends in the my Jewish community and I love my friends in the gay community- and I ended up creating for myself a double lifestyle. Many people, especially those in the closet- even create fake facebook pages for finding gay men and the gay events for them to attend, all under a pseudonym so they never have to come out, while still having their other profiles with their other friends and their more public lives. I’ve heard it described as a superhero syndrome- one world by day, another world by night. To a certain extent this is how I felt for a very long time. There was the part of me that went out with my gay friends and he was this very different person from the man that hung out with his straight friends. For me, and many people in the shoes of growing up in a heteronormative world, but attempting to be true to themselves and create and supportive LGBTQ community to be part of, there is a daily balancing act. Which group of friends do I hang out with tonight? Who haven’t I seen in a longer time? Which identity do I want to assume today? The important part is integrating the identities within ones self, until you’re comfortable enough on the inside to make the right decisions on the outside.

Why does one have to choose? Why does someone have to feel so pulled between two worlds? In my life, thank God, the choice has not been too difficult as I create that community that accepts gay Jews, while still upholding the religious values and being a part of the Orthodox community I grew up and and know and love. This way I don't have to feel like I'm living a double life anymore.

Power

Something that I have been learning in Grad School all year is the concept of “power”- what it means, is it good? Is it bad? Who has power? What determines if someone has power?

It's vital to recognize that power comes from all different places. Power based on social status, power because of race, gender, sexuality, your appearance, your behavior, your mannerisms. And given that, everyone has power. Everyone has power, everyone determines who they let influence them, and who they, in turn, influence. Power can be good or bad- depending on how a person decides to use it. But the key thing to realize is that everyone has power. Every person in this world. Everyone reading this blog. The only question is what will you do with your power?

You have tens or hundreds or thousands of people looking at your Facebook, or your Twitter, or many of the other social networking sites today. The web is a tremendous tool of power. What do you have to say on those sites? Is it fun? Is it serious? Is it self-centered? Is it depressing? Because people check your pages, people get your updates and they care about you and what you have to say- you can influence their thoughts, help create change, and can do whatever you want in the world, all by using your power.

If you want to make people laugh- do it! Speak your mind so no one will doubt who you are or what your intentions are. Sieze the opportunities that this century provides us to make change. I know this sounds cheesy and like a youth-group lecture, but I was stunned when I realized how much power if held by every person in the world, and how few people choose to utilize it.

Non-Sequitur

I'm feeling stressed. Obviously, it's finals right? No. I'm a senior, thank God finals are pretty okay this year. But socially, I feel like I have a million people that I want to be with in a million different places at a million different times. And while, ideally, I would like to satisfy all of them, I just try do what makes me the happiest, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. While it may not be fair of me to flip-flop from group A to family back to group A and then to group B, maybe it's not fair for me to obligate myself to be in so many places at one time?

I'm not saying this to sounds haughty, even though I know it does. I say this because it hurts me on the inside, makes me very upset and almost irreconcilable sometimes when I know I'm letting friends down. So when I make plans to do three things one night, and satisfy four different parties, and I end up doing only one or two of those things, it makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin, I just want to go back in time and fix everything that went wrong. And sometimes I just need to stick with one group at a time and focus on the people that currently fit the best into my life right now. And while that may be selfish, I know how much I do try to be involved in every group- even though it doesn't always work out.

Sometimes there are things I really want to do, but don't have time for or can't do them, and it upsets me. The problem is I end up upsetting myself by not hanging out with you because I really do want to hang out with you. It's just not so easy sometimes. And I hate how sad it makes me when I can't plan for 28 hours in the day, as well as to have a car, and be able to be where I want to be exactly when I want to be there. In fact, it sucks. I just have to try and get through it and make sure to stay happy? Sometimes I just need to challenge myself, and help myself grow, and writing this out should totally help. So thanks for listening.

Reversal

I think I need to (sort of) reverse perspective from the last post. People who don't open up.

If I've lost you as a friend simply because I'm gay- I'm sad you don't understand my struggle nor are you willing to try to.
If I've lost you because I'm too flamboyant- take a look at your straight friends and tell me you're happy with every one of their personality traits and the way they act every day- and you're proud of everything they do.
If I've lost you because I have given in to various sins- one, show me proof, and two, prove to me that you are perfect.
If I've lost you because hanging out with me has given you a bad reputation, I ask- what is more important to you? The reputation you have with various close-minded individuals, or a friendship that you may actually get something out of?

I'm not perfect. But in the areas mentioned above, I feel that I have done nothing wrong. These are four things I'm not willing to apologize for. Am I open to change? Yes. Am I open to people challenging who I am and what I believe in? Yes. But am I open to simple criticism just for being who I am or for trying to be myself? No.
It's a great struggle, no matter what age a person is, to "find themselves". To understand or discover who they are. So it's taken me over 22 years to figure it out, but as I get closer to it- and this includes many more things than just my sexuality- I am less open to hatred and criticism when all I want to do is live.

And If I've lost you because I've done something wrong, something to hurt you, something that personally offended you, for that I apologize- and I hope you can let me know and we can work things out.

And those that are still here with me- I love you, and having you in my life. Thanks.

Open Up

So life has been pretty stressful the past few weeks, I am stage managing the YU play this coming week and also ran a Shabbaton while attending a best friend's wedding and another best friend's l'chaim. Mazal tov guys. Anyway, I wanted to say a few things that may seem pretty random, but I think this is the essence of my interactions with the world around me.

Let me explain. While I may have my opinions of your dress, behavior, actions, and approve or disapprove in my head, none of those things are important to me. Anyone who knows me in person knows that I have many friends- but also that these friends are TOTALLY random and come from all different walks of life, and currently live all different types of lifestyles. I don't care how you live or dress or act- those are all your personal choices, only if you ask for my opinion maybe I will give it. But in general, I accept you for who you are- and unless you really are not a good person, or do something to prove to me that you have little regard for others, would I rather not have you in my life. But seriously, almost everyone in the world is a good person if you just give yourself the opportunity to get to know them, and there is little to not do that, you will find that people are generally good. So give everyone a chance, it's usually worth it.
There's no reason to shut people out just because they may be different than you or have different values. If you're secure enough with who you are and how you act, then just because someone is different, doesn't mean they have to influence you or change your morals or values, so don't be scared.

(Sorry if this sounds condescending- I just am really happy with every single person that is in my life, and I wish others would also give everyone equal opportunity- or you might miss out on some great relationships!)

Influences

I promise this is not about any of my friends that are reading this blog. It's very personal, and involves ppl you don't know.
After finally coming out and becoming more confident with that aspect of my life, I finally found inner peace that i hadn't had since puberty. With that, I took the time to work on myself- find my strengths, find my weaknesses, and find all the things that made me who I am.

It doesn't matter how old you are, peer pressure will always exist. That's what makes the world go round and what's creates societies and builds cultures. Everyone influences each other. Its really important to constantly be aware of who you surround yourself with and the people you let into your life on a daily basis. Because as strong and as confident a person you are, others will always have an influence on what you do.

Recently I've been struggling with a fundamental of my religion because many of my friends were also, until I realized that just b/c they were struggling, that didn't make them better or stronger or more important ppl b/c of their difficulties. B/c I certainly have my own struggles and if there are few things about my life and who I am that I am confident in, there is no reason to give that up- it doesn't make me look better or worse in my friends eyes.

I am just me, and that's all I want to be, and that's all any of us should be- ourselves.

A Novelty Item

I try not to complain about the mundane things, especially anything about my friends b/c I love them so much, and am so honored to have them in my life. But some friends (usually guys), be it individuals or groups as a whole, tend to focus on one part of me- my sexuality. I know it's not purposely, I know I am some what of a novelty item within the Orthodox Community and people have questions and that's fine and I'm here to answer them.

But honestly, sometimes it's hard to talk about it all the time, every day, every conversation. Especially when there's so much more to me, and especially when it's such a struggling issue, it's painful to talk about all the time. Sometimes it's my own fault for bringing it up in conversation, but usually my friends just want to know about different things- sometimes it's gay sex, sometimes gaydar, sometimes the struggles of religion, sometimes it's rating their attractiveness. It's hard for me to be this "topic of conversation", this person there to answer their questions- when I know that if I wasn't in their lives, they would never ask anyone else and it wouldn't be a big deal.

It's a little bit frustrating. Do they go around asking their straight girl friends who are girls which one of them is best looking? Rarely. It's not a comfortable position for them to put me in- even though they obviously don't do it purposely. And I don't stop them- sometimes it's nice to be the center of attention. But sometimes it's just awkward and I don't like being a novelty item.

I love all my friends and appreciate each and every relationship I have. Just wanted to vent a bit.

Trying my best

Apparently, I am that guy.
I didn't know I was that guy.
I didn't ask to be that guy.
A new friend of mine told me I am a "household name". I come up in conversation, not just the topic of homosexuality, but of me specifically. I didn't sign up for that. Then again, I didn't sign up for homosexuality either, as far as I know. But people are talking about me, it started a year and a half ago and there are louder times and there are quieter times, but they're talking. And they're whispering. And some are even pointing. So what? I don't have to care. Well I shouldn't, anyway. But as social beings it's only natural to care- as long as I work to not let it dictate me, where I go or who I become.

Along with being a "household name", I became that guy. That person that everyone who is gay and Jewish needs to talk to, needs to get in touch with. Closeted people mostly, but either way I feel my head constantly filling up with more and more secrets. On a daily basis I have more and more to keep in- and I do my best to do so. Sometimes people call me untrustworthy- but that's when I screw up with my friends- not with secrets from people whom I don;t even know their names. I didn't ask to be "that guy". I didn't ask to have the Orthodox world put me in this focal point, and I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, but I want to help, I want to be there for anyone who needs it. I only have my own experience and try my best to share with anyone who needs me.

That brings me to my last point, I like to think or hypothesize that with the amount of other people's secrets, thoughts and emotions filling my head, there is little room for my own. And I end up using outlets- Twitter, Facebook and the Blog, and my closest friends who listen to me struggle day in and day out, all to let off my own thoughts and make room for everyone else's. Thanks to my friends who are able to put up with me. And to those that can't- I'm sorry if I'm a burden, I'm just trying to do my best, even if I seem immature/whiney or out of control at some points.

The head or heart

Don't get me wrong, I know there are positives and negatives to both sides of every coin.
But this is a question I would say I haven't asked myself since i was 16. Should I listen to my head or to my heart? Should I do what feels right or what I know to be right? I'm posing this question to everyone.
Personally, It was a matter of Gay or Straight. My head said be straight- it's normal it's what everyone does. My heart said there's nothing as important to me as being with another guy. But this applies in many situations (this is lame and high school but wtvr)- Should I go to the party where there will be drugs or stay home and be bored? Its the mind or the heart.
I recently had a long conversation with someone, and after rlly connecting on a new level, the last thing we discussed was this. We were very in sync about a lot of things so I was shocked when it came up that this person sayis "I always make decisions with my head and brain" and I said "I always make decisions with my heart".
So when it comes down to it, this doesn't make or break a relationship, but it can lead people to two completely different paths. Just something I've been thinking about. Is there even one right answer to apply across the board? Or is this a case-by-case situation? Sound off below.
Oh, and does this necessarily have religious ramifications- does the Torah, or any religion, promote thinking with your mind over your heart of vice-versa?

That's SO Gay

First off, sorry for the delay. When I'm stressed I need to do work. When i'm finally relaxing i need to relax. not sure where blogging fits into those- although it can be very therapeutic at time :-)

Anyway I wanted to mention the "thats gay" habit. There's been ad campaigns and various discussions about the just un-cool habit of people to call things gay as a synonym for lame or stupid or annoying. also, there was an Office episode (lol). My friends, for the most part, have made a conscious effort to cut down this habit and I appreciate that. However, some of the people around me haven't- and that's insulting. And it's not just around me, it's anyone anywhere, especially when you never know who is in the closet or who actually is gay. It's like if some looks at a Jew doing something stupid and says "that's so Jewish". It's insulting, though I'm not personally offended, but still offending to the nature of who I am, and I ask my friends to chill out with it. It's not cool. I worked on it also, and I erased that phrase from my vocabulary. And I don't ask much of the people around me, I don't like who I am to be a burden, but this is just an insulting habit for people to keep up.

There are times where friends say it once, or twice, and it's kind of funny because I'm around and I'm gay, and this is a novelty within the Orthodox world and it's weird and funny to say something that you've always said and then realize someone in the room is actually gay. And yea, when you first realize it, it's funny. Unfortunately, that's really only at first, one time- maybe two- but it shouldn't be acceptable. And it shouldn't be only an effort when I - or anyone else gay- is in the room. Also because you never know who is gay around you, especially within the frum circles. It should be an effort always to just get rid of this habit that can be insulting and degrading.