I'd first like to address some of the readers- this blog is for me to express and teach and open the eyes and make aware for my friends, and for people who care to know what's going on in my life. I'm writing for me.
I'd like to discuss 'the closet' for a minute. I spent most of my life in the closet. My life in the closet was about finding others in similar situations- other people in the closet. When I heard of someone out of the closet, I wondered how in the world they did it, and I also wanted nothing to do with them. That was too scary and too real. So now that I'm out of the closet- it's very very difficult for me to look back in there. And I know that's rude and selfish, but it's hard for me to put myself back in those old shoes of being hidden. I wonder why doesn't everyone in the closet come to me? I can help, I've been there, I don't out you. But i also try to remember I've been there and I can't expect them to face their greatest fear- of coming out to someone.
I also try now, out of the closet, not to judge those still in the closet. Do I look around me on a daily basis and wonder- is he gay? is she gay? is that one gay? Yes, I wonder that every day about almost everyone I meet. Some are easier to figure out some are more difficult. BUT my biggest struggle now is probably this behavior. It's not my business if someone else is gay, if someone is still in the closet. It's their struggle and they will hopefully, with Gods help, figure it out. I'm sorry for those that I have misjudged or judged at all- and I hope you figure it all out. I'm really working on not driving myself crazy to know whether or not you're gay, but just know I really just always want to help and to talk which is where my questioning comes from. But it's not right. You will figure it out.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
What I did
just for update purposes- THE STRESS IS (SORTA) OVER :-) anyway......
The past 15 months or so, out of the closet, have been a unique experience for me, but an experience I wouldn't have any other way. For me to be happy, I had to come out inorder to accept who I was and stop lying to everyone else. But I was not prepared for what followed.
The talking about me, the comments, the looks, and the phone calls, textys and IMs from friends 'is it true?'. Okay so maybe i expected that much. But i thought it would subside, at some point and it did- with my friends- but everywhere i went i would say all of my junior year of college- i felt like one label followed me around: gay. and that was not wha i (thought)i had signed up for.
At then end of last year i ran for student office, yes, a big deal, but i didn't want it to be a big deal. I didnt want to be the gay president in YU, i wanted to be 'vote for wink'. and i won the elections
and this year, the past four months have been about showing ppl that there is a lot more to me than my sexuality. especially in student office, i think it was the best thing i could do post-coming out, to show ppl now that you all know im gay- here are the other things i can do.
And i wouldnt have done it any other way.
The past 15 months or so, out of the closet, have been a unique experience for me, but an experience I wouldn't have any other way. For me to be happy, I had to come out inorder to accept who I was and stop lying to everyone else. But I was not prepared for what followed.
The talking about me, the comments, the looks, and the phone calls, textys and IMs from friends 'is it true?'. Okay so maybe i expected that much. But i thought it would subside, at some point and it did- with my friends- but everywhere i went i would say all of my junior year of college- i felt like one label followed me around: gay. and that was not wha i (thought)i had signed up for.
At then end of last year i ran for student office, yes, a big deal, but i didn't want it to be a big deal. I didnt want to be the gay president in YU, i wanted to be 'vote for wink'. and i won the elections
and this year, the past four months have been about showing ppl that there is a lot more to me than my sexuality. especially in student office, i think it was the best thing i could do post-coming out, to show ppl now that you all know im gay- here are the other things i can do.
And i wouldnt have done it any other way.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Stress Management
So yea, the Succot holidays were relaxing. and awesome. I rlly paid no attention to school which was fine. Then last week, I knew i had a pretty stressful week ahead of me, which I was prepared for. What i wasnt prepared for were my two hardest classes announcing/refreshing students memories that there are two HUGE midterms this week. I am freaking out all week last week. and I am literally doing ANYTHING to avoid studying- except TV watching b/c that would be admitting that i'm procrastinating. i wont admit to it.
but here i am admitting it. literally i let these thoughts of too much work race though my head, and how i'll never get through these tests or pass college. then i also let the drama take over- this friend is struggling, i need to hang out with that grp of friends, and aaah. Im trying to take it one day at a time. thats what they say to do. right?
ps- im really realy srry to all those friends im letting down by not hanging out/ going out for birthdays and the like. I just cant admit to procrastination. id rather sit in my apt and blog, then actually be somewhere where work wouldn't be feasible.
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