Frum Gay Marriage

I readily acknowledge, as most people do, that their communities and cultures impact decisions they make in their lives. For some people, it's at what age to get married, for some people it's what standards of dress to adhere to. These are things we look to society to help us decide how to behave or appropriate etiquette. As I take steps in my life, and as I take steps in my relationship, I often find myself wondering what is the Frum and gay society? What are the standards and "norms" that can help inform the decisions I make in my own life? And I know the answer, there are none. Since being Frum and gay is very unique, there is no societal norm or cultural standards to help decisions I need to make.

For one example, there is the issue of marriage. In most Frum communities, marriage is expected of a couple anywhere from the ages of 21-24. After that is fine, but generally many people put the most pressure on themselves during that stage in their lives because society dictated it. In the gay world, the emphasis on marriage is later in one's life, usually a person's early thirties. So which standards should I be adhering to? Religious people get married out of love, and in order for it to be socially acceptable for them to be sharing a life and a home as part of the religious community they must get married. But a religious gay person has no standards for how and when or even if the community will accept them as a couple.

An blogger this week, found here (Loveless Marriages), argues that secular marriages revolve around love and intimacy while Jewish marriages revolve more around community and family, and for this reason, it may not be such a bad idea for same-sex attracted men and women to marry each other as part of continuing our communities and traditions. In addition, the author hypothesizes that this is why secular marriages breakup, while more religious marriages stay together- because of community. I strongly disagree with this, and felt my opinion complements what I have written above.

To build the foundation of a marriage simply on community and platonic love, is not enough to sustain it, in my opinion.  What it takes is community and intimate love, together. Frum and gay people need to start building standards and setting norms to support each other. It is extremely confusing for a gay man or gay woman in the orthodox community, and while pressures to adhere to norms are strong, I think (yes, my own opinion) that everyone needs love and intimacy to sustain a marriage- even religious people- and for that reason, opposite-sex homosexuals marrying one another is not a solution, but only perpetuates the problem of orthodox Jews unwilling to address the issues of gay people in the community. 

The Shabbat Table

I’ve mentioned before how every weekend, the Shabbat Table conversation will very often revolve around topics like who’s getting married, who’s dating, what’s going on in the community and gossip like that. Growing up, once or twice the question of “who’s gay” also came up a few times, and it is slightly offensive to think that now my name is brought up around Shabbat Tables. But people will talk.

More than people talking, however, are people asking questions. I attend many meals, and anyone who knows me knows that I am an open and proud homosexual. Generally, within minutes of meeting me, many will ask about others they suspect who may or may not be gay. They ask me to confirm rumors, to voice my suspicions- and make no mistake, it’s a really difficult position for me to be in. I will never out someone, but often feel that I do not want to lie or I feel pressure to answer honestly, in hopes of building trust and friendship with the people I’m spending time with. But I fight myself, because I know how hard it can be for someone to be in the closet- especially when others are talking and speculating about him or her. I don’t out people, and have been working on myself to keep a poker face and not make backhanded comments that can really ruin someone’s reputation.

But the bigger picture issue here is- why am I even being asked these questions? It’s not my job, nor other people’s jobs to question someone’s sexuality. It’s not my job, nor anyone else’s job, to force someone out of the closet. I do hope, with my activism and my blog, that I encourage people to come out and not run away from who they are. I hope people see that it is possible to be gay and religious and out at the same time. But if someone chooses not to, it is not the community’s job to speculate, spread rumors, or to discuss around the Shabbos Table what someone’s sexuality is.

Every Step I Take

Why do I do it?
I've often questioned the reasons why I stay Orthodox. And for a while, I had little to no answer. The community tries to reject me, leaders put me down, and people consistently disappoint me in the Orthodox world. So why do I put myself through this? Reasons in the past have included family, friends, just because it was all I had ever known- I didn't want it to change.

However, last week I celebrated Shavuot, commemorating the day God gave the Torah to the Jewish people. I heard a unique perspective that help me put something into words that I was never able to articulate before. I realized that while various aspects of what laws to keep and what defines "Orthodoxy" are confusing to the nth degree, being Orthodox, and identifying myself as such helps me feel part of a bigger picture. Each day I am able to belong to a strong movement of people, to a larger nation that believes in something, that has a passion and commitment that has lasted close to 6,000 years. Being Orthodox makes every step I take purposeful. Almost everything I do has the ultimate goal of betterment of myself, of humanity, and of the Jewish nation. I have the goal of being close to God at the forefront of my mind, and it's something I wouldn't trade for anything else.

I believe in God, I believe in Judaism, I have pride in that and couldn't imagine my life not being Orthodox. It doesn't seem like an option. For the first year or so of being out, I would say I struggled greatly with whether or not I was going to be religious and how I could go to a gay bar with a yarmulka. But then I envisioned a life without a yarmulka and that was an even scarier thought. It was a process and it took time.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Monogamy (My Future)

This may be my least ‘sensical’ and most ‘opinionated’ post. I don’t have facts, I don't have stats, I just have experience. I started graduate school about four months ago, a profession dominated by women and gay men. I thought I could meet some cute guys and enjoy the social experience in addition to the educational experience. That’s definitely holding true- but I realized that almost none of the men are single.

Even though a lot of them are gay, most of them are taken and in committed relationships. Similarly, I have awesome neighbors in a committed (gay) relationship. But this shouldn’t be possible! When I came out, or when I was struggling in high school, all I heard was- you don’t want that lifestyle- no one is truly happy, gay and lesbian individuals, specifically, don’t settle down- they live a life of misery, alone. Well I’m here to tell you, purely based of my experiences- that is not true. Homosexuals are just as capable of building stable lives, with friends and families, just like any heterosexual couple. For some of you this may be obvious, but for many people who grew up, like myself, hearing that homosexuals are never happy, never find stability, and definitely don’t settle down- just had to say it’s false.

I do hope to have a family one day, even a religious one. I think that a partner and I can raise children in the Orthodox world better than many of today’s parents and couples, and hopefully half as decent as my siblings do it- they’re the most incredible parents ever, all of them. As far as community- I know Yeshiva’s that will accept my children, and what more can I hope for? Will my child/children be made fun of? Perhaps, but what child isn’t? I also want to live in Israel, where I know other religious gay couples building families and lives. Everyone’s home lives are different- divorced parents, non-Kosher homes- all my friends growing up had their own story “in” the Orthodox world. My kids will have their own story.

The Third Option

Hey, I would like to clarify a point I've made in the past, but that doesn't seem to be sticking with my readers.
I'm not obsessed with marriage. I discuss it so often because it comes up so often. My society, the Orthodox Jewish community is obsessed with (heteronormative) marriage, so I feel the need to discuss it fairly often. Thankfully, I have learned how to have a good outlook and stay positive about the issue although it comes up almost daily how a man should marry a woman.

Now, for most of my life I have been a very black-and-white person. Things were either one way or the other, with little room for gray area in between. I have tried to avoid that behavior and leave room for new ideas in my life, but I don't always succeed. I'm open to hearing that the only way for me to be happy is to give up being religious or to give up being gay. However, I promise you I've thought about it. I promise you I've gone through the motions of giving up one or the other- and neither makes sense to me. I know you might not understand my desire to remain religious, and I don't understand it so clearly either, but I know it's right for me. I also know it's right for me to be gay. So there they are- two areas that conflict. A black and a white. So I chose the gray.

Two years ago a friend came to me, struggling, wondering what he should do with the struggle of religion and homosexuality. We discussed the options and he said- "but if I come out, I have to give up my Frumkeit, (religiousness) and I can't do that." Suddenly it dawned on me. Who said so? Who said that if you are homosexual you have to give up religion and who says if you're religious you have to give up homosexuality? God says certain things, the laws and their interpretations says certain things, society says certain things but why can't I say something for myself? There had to be another option, I couldn't pick one or the other. So two weeks later I came out of the closet and chose the third option- to be a Frum gay Jew.

The Secret Life

Hey, I'm really excited it's September, b/c I have at least 5 topics to discuss, some revolving around the new year, some revolving around gay life in general, and, our favorite, the struggle of homosexuality and Orthodoxy.

I get facebook friend requests almost daily- not from people I know, but from generic, and clearly fake names representing fake Facebook accounts. Who are these people and why do they friend me? They're almost all religious Jews, who are hiding in the closet. Some young, some old, some married, some single- and they create these fake accounts in order to have an outlet for their sexual identity. Some are very flamboyant, openly "liking" gay porn sites or porn stars, others are just trying to exist and friend religious gay Jews that they've heard of so they don't feel so alone. I get frustrated easily with these individuals because I feel that they're only making their lives harder by creating a separate facebook. Not only do they have to live in secret that they are attracted to members of the same gender, but they literally create a secret identity- a whole other person, as an outlet for their secrets. They're teasing themselves with a life they wish they could lead.

Some of them are creepy- simply looking for sex and don't know how to go about finding it- and feel the need to stalk facebook for the gay Jews and their friends. Others are curious as to what the gay Jewish world is like and what it can provide them. It is a useful tool as a gateway to the gay Jewish world, meeting new people, facebook chatting to get an idea of what openly gay Jews are like, and perhaps meet some of us and slowly become more comfortable with who they are. Unfortunately, many just resign to the fact that they will always be alone, suffering, in pain. I have come to understand recently that they may not choose to be in the closet, its just that they cannot ever be gay, even thought they know they are attracted to people of the same gender. They know it, but coming out or admitting it openly is not an option- it's just not an option.

I salute those who have the courage to be "not just another email address" and empathize with those who still feel the need to hide behind an anonymous name, and feel legitimately badly for those who feel they don't have an option- and challenge them to just try and question that thinking.

Statement

For those of you that haven't seen it, (what are you- living under a rock?):
http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/

I had a lot of emotions racing through me when this was released- I read through each paragraph with a fine-toothed comb, and to see names of many Rebbeim who I admire and respect on the signature list, and started to tear up a bit. Then I shared with the world. I am happy. I am proud. I feel like I finally belong in places where, honestly, I was scared to enter because of how the sommunity would judge me. But now I know that the Orthodox community- or at least their leaders are no long judging, and are willing to accept the struggles of a homosexual in the Orthodox world, and understand the difficult things we go through.

Portions that struck me in a good way- gay Jews have the right to belong to a congregation and make it their community, gay Jews have the right to refrain from seeking out reparative therapy if they feel it would be more harmful than helpful, children of gay couples should be accepted fully, and that gay Jews should not be encouraged to marry members of the opposite gender. All these values that are unfortunately not approached properly in other communities, and that many Rabbi's do not believe belong in the Orthodox world for whatever reason. But everyone on that list does believe it.

When asked what the next step after the YU Panel should be- this is it. This is the step that was/is needed for the gay Orthodox Jewish population. Awareness, sensitivity and acceptance into the communities we have always called home. All I wish for now is more and more Orthodox leaders to sign on in order to continue the strength displayed by the Orthodox community in releasing this statement.

And for those who asked, I wouldn't change anything about this letter. Not. One. Thing.

Community

A few months ago, I spoke about how sometimes a person gives up part of themselves for a specific cause, if they want to. I wanted to expand upon that, to explain that I am not the only person. Something that I am only coming to grips with now, is that this is not only my fight, my cause, my passion. There are so many more out there- just like me- who are struggling, or even who have come to terms with who they are- but still feel passionately about bringing the issue of sexuality or even homosexuality to the forefront of the Orthodox world.

We are many- and we are finally giving each other strength to show the Jewish world that we are here. I know that I do not advocate for someone to come out- ever- if they don't feel it's right for them. But so many ARE coming out, and have been coming out, and this is OUR cause. This is our cause to work on the best way we can, to try and be Frum and gay, to try and be proud of who we are after years and years of being to scared to speak up- or even specifically being told to keep silent. I'm not for an all gay Orthodox community, b/c the Jewish religion is not about separating and branching off (no matter how many jokes you want to make about break-away shuls), Judaism is about community and I, for one, do not want to leave the world I grew up, and feel part of, just because it may not be the most comfortable at this time. I will fight to stay in the world I love and in the community I've always belonged to because it feels right.

I am not alone, and I realize now I never was, ever. None of us are alone, just because we feel alienated, we are making strides every day for homosexuals to be accepted (I do NOT say permitted) in the Orthodox community. I love all of you out there, fighting with me to understand what it means to be Frum and gay. And good luck.

Theories

Some theories I have that in no way reflect anyone's opinion but my own. But I do think someone can learn from what I say.

One thing I feel very strongly about is the absolute power of Halacha. It exists, and cannot be changed by any regular authorities today. The greatest of Rabbi's can interpret the law that was given to us. However, that does not mean that every word spoken by sages, commentaries, and the like over the past 3,000 years is absolute truth. Our Rabbis and sages have taught, said, and ruled on many different subjects. Most of them have commented on many subjects, but that does not indicate a Halachik ruling. The more Religious public and learned population takes for granted that everything said by our Rabbi's in the past are automatically rulings for generations. Very often, they were only values for their generations. Our Rabbis today have the right to make rulings based on what is right for our generation.

Another thing that I like to focus on for myself is the understanding that until God comes down from the Heavens, or sends a Rabbi like R' Chaim Rappaport (author of the tremendous "Judaism and Homosexuality") to give a solution as to what a frum homosexual should do with their lives, I will just have to do the best I can to live my life. I will have to live my life the way I feel God wants me to and do the best I can to observe his commandments, while also attempting an emotionally stable existence (via my being out of the closet) to ensure my happiness.

Something I feel incredibly strong about is that God wants us all to try our best. In my humble opinion, Hashem want us all to do the best job we can serving Him. We all have the individual right to create our own relationship with God and no Rabbi, ancient or modern, can tell us how to do that. All God wants is to see us trying, to see us attempting at creating a life within His boundaries, or anything we can do close to that. That's all He wants, and all He can ask for. In my opinion.

Family Outing

Hey, so three topics to come within the next few days, but I'll start by answering a commenter who often asks what my family thinks about everything.

My extended family and cousins have only recently heard of my coming out, and I thank them for all their support and love and hope that people will learn from having me in their family. My parents generation doesn't know as much, many don't know anything about my sexuality, but seeing as their more distant from my life, I don't feel pressured to tell them as much. Although some I see kinda often and it's frustrating to be asked when I'm dating and when I'm getting married.

The hardest people to tell were the people I was closest to- so the last people that knew were my roommate, followed by my siblings. I was so scared that who I was would change in their eyes, so scared of being judged or not trusted or scolded, or worst of all, cut out, from their lives that I didn't want to tell them. My roommate had heard from other sources, since he travels in my social circles but I still pushed off telling him, and he was really was as amazing as anyone could hope for, he had already had time to process, but he didn't ask questions, didn't freak out, just took it in and accepted it, and to this day is still my roommate and best friend. Thanks.

My siblings were another story. One of my (3) sisters has been my rock in this area since high school and I don't know where I would be without her, so thanks. But the others, since they weren't in my social world too much and more conservative based of of how we were all raised, I pushed it off for as long as possible. With some of them it needed to be confronted head on, and with some it just had to be mentioned in passing. And while I wish it was easier to discuss it openly with them like I do with my friends, I love that I can still be a part of their lives as much as I always have been, and they are my four (or more, including spouses) best friends in the world and I literally pray that our relationship only grows and continues in the future, and doesn't stop if I do something they may not approve of.

My parents were the first people I told. I wasn't going to come out socially, and hope it didn't get back to them when they live ten minutes away from YU- and they're my parents. It was difficult, but they knew I had been struggling with this since high school, I just don't think they realized I would ever come out. But I did, and it was discussed once or twice over the course of 18 months and that was really hard. I felt like I hadn't come out at all. But recently, since the YU Panel, the channels have been a bit more open as they are more willing to understand that I struggle with something that conflicts with my desire to be Frum, and I think they realized how deep that struggle can go. I have to thank the awful response of R' Twersky to the event for my father being so angry with him for being unwilling to allow me to be in the Orthodox world. So while I'm not bringing anyone home anytime soon, I know that I will always have their love, and mostly their support.

In my head

It will always be there, it will always be in the back of my mind. As happy, as confident, as controlled as I try to be, it will always be there. The dissonance of being Orthodox and Gay.

I bring this up now in light of last week's Torah portions, the two verses that contain the prohibition towards the physical actions of anal sex and homosexuality, as they bring up mixed emotions when I hear it read in shul. Part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to stand there in pride that I can be Orthodox and hear these verses read, but then I wonder what kind of pride is it to know that the way I want to live my life violates Halacha? They are two mixed emotions. And yes, there are ways to interpret the verses to make someone feel not as guilty, but I'm not about reinterpreting things. I try to be as honest with myself and my religion and my sexuality.

On that note, I do plan on staying away from anal sex for the duration of my lifetime, with God's help, which is something I avoided posting on here for a while, because I felt it too personal. But after standing in Shul, I knew I needed to discuss things further. So I take comfort in hopefully not violating the Issur Deoraysa (Torah prohibition), but still feel the angst in my mind of a life that will never be perfectly okay according to Halacha.

Letters/Reactions

So. Last week was busy and intense and a bit overwhelming for the Orthodox Gay community. and for me.
-The night of the event and the morning after a letter was being posted signed by five or six Roshei Yeshiva, but very unofficial looking. On Friday Morning, an official letter came out from the President of YU and the Menahel of the Yeshiva- R' Reiss.

The Rabbi's reaction/letter did not have the right to go up. Every sign on campus is approved by administration, and these weren't approved by anyone. Even if signed by the Rabbis, they didn't have the right to make a million copies and hang them up. This letter said homosexuality is wrong (duh) and anyone 'struggling' should be dealt with in the appropriate matter, in a discreet and sensitive manner. It just took away from the event attended by over 600 people with 200 turned away at the door. Anyone that may have felt a sense of comfort and security from the support shown that night- this letter reiterated to all those gay Yeshiva Program students (the ones that learn till 3)- YES THEY DO EXIST- that their Rabbis will not discuss this publicly and they still need to feel ashamed of their emotions and at discomfort with their own tendencies.

The second letter was more sensitive- but elaborated that some 'could' have taken the wrong idea away from the event, that homosexuality is Halachikally okay. And it's not- fine, but I ask Pres Joel and Rabbi Reiss, then why did you allow it in the first place? and further, why was Rabbi Blau- the Mashgiach Ruchani of YU- the MODERATOR. HE was there to ensure there was no discussion of Halacha! And there wasn't. Also it discussed that the issue must be dealt with with sensitivity in the broader community- BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH HERE, IN THE YU COMMUNITY! It made me feel like my own school (administration) didn't want me. And it hurt.

I know YU needs to make Halacha clear and worry about donors and alumni, but I think they are doing it in an insensitive manner, and allowing their PR to overshadow the mental health and well being of many of their students.

Some Honesty

I received a number of very interesting comments from people who I can only call blog friends, in response to various other posts. Let me preempt by saying thank you to all of you for reading, and I respect all your thoughts an opinions.
I love being Jewish. I have always been and will always be Jewish. I am Orthodox/frum, I love being frum, it's all I've ever known and I love it. I've tried not keeping Shabbos or strict Kosher for (very) brief periods of time and seriously it was not for me. Not just weird, but it felt wrong. I love my religion and I would sooner give up being gay than give up being religious. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of you, but to me it does.

If given the choice, I would not be gay. Now before you jump down my throats and warn me that I'm being self-hating and only hurting myself just hear me out. I love me, I love all aspects of me, I love being Jewish, I love being gay. But if given the choice, I would not choose to be gay. I do not know in five years if I will be with anyone and that’s really really difficult. If i was straight that wouldn’t be the case. If I find a guy to be with and maybe even lvev with somewhere down the road will I even be able to raise an orthodox child with two gay dads? Not in the world we live in right now. But either way, is that it? will that be it for me, for my potential, for my life?

I love being Orthodox, and I love being gay.

Being Jewey

So for those of you that don't know I am the son of a Rabbi and that has also added to some, umm, fun with things... For instance, this Simchat Torah i did Torah Tours, a group that sends students all around the country to strengthen Jewish communities "simcha" on this holiday, singing and dancing and the like. Shout out to my amazing T-squared group.

So it happens that the Rabbi didn't give us clear instruction as to what to be responsible for- and off the cuff, and with help from my fellow group-mates, I randomly remembered the tune for the Megillah Kohelet and whipped out 8 chapters of that... also called up the Chasan Torah Chasan Breishis. Also got annoyed when the Rabbi didn't do certain things right. UGHHHH.

Why do I know all these things? Why do I get frustrated b/c the person reading the Torah was 14 and mispronounced half the words? It's frustrating for me to know that I care so much.

Once upon a time i wanted to be a Rabbi. Judaism is a huge passion of mine. But i always just wanted to be the cool kid, or the one who blended in (and by blend in i mean sit in the back of the shul and talk, and not care about what was going on up front). and definitely not the jewey one. So am I cool? Am I the Jewey nerd? Am I both? Am I neither?

And does being gay have to relate to any of these and mean that I can't be involved in a shul or can't be a Gabai or even Rabbi even if I choose to be celibate but still out of the closet?

The reason

aaaand now for the heavy stuff. The real reason I'm writing this blog is to hopefully help people understand the situation of life. Not for pity or sympathy or love or support. Just understanding. I am a Frum Jew. I have alway been a Frum Jew. And With Hashem's help, I will continue to be a Frum Jew.

The challenge Hashem gave me is that I am not attracted to women, I am attracted to men. Unfortunately, the Torah tells us not to be with men. Do I think anyone can lead a completely celibate life? No. But one can try. I have never and will never say "it's okay to be Gay accordoing to Orthodox Judaism." It is not. And this is why I struggle every day.

I do not regret coming out. I am still happy with the decision to let the world know of the struggle of homosexuality and Judaism. However, it is still a struggle. And it is not okay to go against the Torah, no matter what our hearts desire.

There's plenty more to come.