Whaddya Want From Me

As a post- Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur post, the Jewish holidays about starting a clean slate in a new year, a questions that has been plaguing me for a while comes to mind. What does God want from me? As a gay Orthodox Jew- does he want me to be alone for the rest of my life? Does he want me to go through endless hours of therapy that are highly unlikely to succeed?

And bigger than this- as I prayed on Yom Kippur I thought- what does He want from us? As a Jewish nation in the 21st century with technologies beyond people's wildest imaginations and capabilities, sexuality and sexual promiscuity rampant and dominating our cultures worldwide, what does He want from us? Should we shelter ourselves in the depths of Brooklyn and Lakewood and Bnei Brak, or do we encourage ourselves to grow and learn from the world around us, and challenge ourselves to remain faithful to God in a world that whose basic principles seem to go against everything Judaism holds dear?

The Torah, and more specifically- it's laws as decided by the Rabbi's- were decided in a completely different society and culture. PRayers were written for a different population to say. Unfortunately, today, our leaders don't feel close enough to understanding laws to allow law to be brought truly into a modern context or change things that were decided hundreds, if not thousands of years ago. I'm not calling for change of the Torah, or the laws uphelp by the Rabbi's. But I am calling for an understanding- and the room to believe, that not every single thing decided so long ago is relevant today. And of certain people feel strongly that God wants XYZ, while the community has been holding ABC, it's their right to do XYZ. Not just because they want to, but because they feel it's what God meant for the world today. Because every law made by a Rabbi is simply a Rabbi deciding what GOd wants from the world today, and we all listen to the Rabbis. But when it comes down to it- no one has divine inspiration today, no one talks to God, and therefore no one can command something of another as far as their relationship with God and upholding of the Torah.

I stopped in the middle of my Yom Kippur prayers, closed my eyes and said "God, we don't know what to do. We haven't had a divine inspiration in thousands of years, and we, as your nation, are just trying to figure out what you want from us in this world today- the 21st century. Forgive your people for the ways they may have misinterpreted your laws or did not uphold what you intended, we are all just trying our best- and will continue to do so."

Change, part 2

Here's a post a lot of you have been waiting for, for a while. I beg your indulgence and for your respect and thoughtfulness in posting comments, especially the anonymous ones. I will not be responding to comments.

The organization Jews Offering New Alternatives to Healing (formerly Homosexuality), known as JONAH, is a very controversial subject in the gay Jewish community, but more so in the broad Jewish community, especially the religious ones. The first line of defense for many children who speak to their parents about homosexuality is JONAH. This is for numerous reasons, one, they advertise in prominent Jewish papers that many parents read, and two, because the last thing a religious Jewish parent, or many non-religious Jewish parents want is a gay child. However, often the parents don't know the facts before sending their children to such an organization. I respect those who have worked hard within the JONAH program, and those who have come through it successfully, and know and believe that change is possible for specific individuals.

However, and I will only speak for myself, I feel it would do more harm than good. The reason I never posted about this before is because I never went through the system, so I felt inappropriate commenting on it. However, I currently find myself close with many people who have gone through the system- most unsuccessfully, some successfully- and I feel I know more about certain things. Without going into detail, there are multiple aspects of the JONAH program that would make me hate myself more than love myself, and it's taken me too long to get to this point in my life for me to go back and erase what I've accomplished. Further, I've seen people go through this therapy for ten years, and still not come out "healed", and that's not something I'm willing to risk. I'm pretty damn gay, and I know it.

I purposely did not go in to detail about their therapies and I won't. But lastly, I have to take up one issue in this time of repentance for the Jewish people. JONAH claims that they are true repentance for homosexuality. That it is any gay Jews obligation, in this time of year, to repent- and the only way to repent is to join their organization. This is false. This is wrong. This is not true, nor is it their program director's decision as to what God believes is repentance and what is not. That is between a Jew and God, not with other people in between making decisions. I believe, that with a full heart I go to God every year and ask for repentance on how I have served Him inappropriately and the wisdom to serve Him only properly in the future.

May we all be blessed with a year of true happiness.