Blogging for Me

When I came out, it wasn’t for anyone but myself. I came out to be true to who I was, because there was something inside of me that kept me from being myself around those I cared about most. Little did I know, coming out in the Orthodox community, and starting a blog, would change me forever.

Call me naïve, call me ignorant, call me what you will, but I honestly believed coming out wouldn’t change me at all. I was always gay; I was just letting people know at this point. I didn’t think about repercussions, but more than that, I didn’t think that there would even be repercussions. I didn’t think that within days I’d have numerous emails, text messages, and Facebook messages all with the same three words: “is it true?”

So I started a blog. I started a blog not to change the face of Orthodoxy and homosexuality, but simply so I could stop answering questions day in and day out- how’d you come out, why’d you come out, “is it true”. So instead, all those answers can be found in the last 120 or so postings. 

However, I soon learned an important lesson. Coming out was intended to be for me, to find my own inner peace, sense of self and happiness, and translate those emotions through my blog. Eventually, though, the blog transformed my coming out and my story, into the resource for all things religious and gay and I had all the answers and everyone should read my blog. The community began to talk and it became clear to me that what I had just done, changed the face of YU and of modern Orthodoxy because there had been so few who had done this before me.  

The greater impact of coming out was not on myself, but apparently, on those around me.  I let the blog take a life of it's own, and become a resource for those seeking answers. But there was never an intention to change the community or the world. And I lost sight of that after writing for a few months. I wrote as if I spoke for everyone, as if my word should change the world and as if I speak for all gay Jews. Looking back on this process, I understand now more than ever, that my writing is just for me and never intended to represent anyone else.

Ain't life funny?

Something that always bothered me about homosexuality- whether in high school, when I was in the closet or when I came out 2 and a half years ago- is how funny it is. Let me explain. In most institutions that I went to, Jewish High School and college, being gay was funny. Being gay is funny. It's hilarious. For many straight men, and I can't speak for women because I don't know, being gay is hilarious- it's cool to inappropriately touch other men, it's funny to walk around holding another guy's hand or speaking with a lisp.

But I want to explain something- being gay is not funny. In fact, every time something like that happened in high school or any other time while I was in the closet, it made me uncomfortable. It made me hurt, because they were laughing not because being gay was an enjoyable pastime, but because it was a joke. But for me it wasn't a joke, for me it was reality. And when I was in the closet and someone would do something stereotypically gay to make fun of "the gays", it hurt me because they were making fun of me.

Now that I'm out of the closet it doesn't hurt, because I'm happy with who I am and if you want to make fun of me that's your choice. All the more so, I know that when someone makes fun of someone else they're usually doing it because of insecurities within themselves, especially the older someone gets, because a person should be free to live as they choose, and others should never be judging them. But anyway, what doesn't hurt when I see making fun, is that to this day, I know that there are people still in the closet suffering in silence like I did for so many years, who are still hurt when people or "friends" run around, pretending to be gay, making funny jokes about being gay. Because when people make fun of someone else, they're essentially putting them beneath themselves, like gay people are less than them, and their feelings don't matter. And that's just not true.

Maturity

So there are a lot of topics on my mind right now, I've had some time to think over Pesach, and I'll do a blog prob every few days this week. One thing on my mind, especially as I spend a lot of time around family- the most judgmental element in anyone's life- is the broad topic of maturity. What is maturity? What defines someone as mature or immature- is it all based on societal values or is it personal opinion?

A few examples- going our with friends to bars, and getting drunk- mature or immature? Sleeping in on various mornings, even Shabbat- mature or immature? Thinking outside the box, going against the norm- mature or rebellious and immature? These questions plague me daily, as I do worry about society's perception of me (another issue itself, but not for now), and how I look in other people's eyes. My conclusions are obviously not in any way final or even correct, they've just been the way I've made sense of this topic in my head:

When I was younger, a teen, everyone told me how mature I was for my age. Now, as an adult, I don't get that comment- ever- and have even been called immature by some, even though my thinking is as forward and developed as it has ever been. Because I think at a certain point, like as one begins college- everyone is considered mature. Everyone has reached a level of expected behavior and that behavior is mature. The only ones we now judge are those who don't live up to it and call them immature. I rarely can recall a person in high school who was "immature", someone was just more mature than the rest- and now people are just more immature than the rest.

Regardless of the questions I asked above, I think it's important, as I try to do, to judge your own personal behavior based on what you believe is right for you to be doing. If you need to have fun, have fun, if you're tired, sleep. But if your intentions are to "never grow up" or to overly indulge in activities without attempting to think about your life and the greater scheme of things, that's immature.