Frum Gay Marriage

I readily acknowledge, as most people do, that their communities and cultures impact decisions they make in their lives. For some people, it's at what age to get married, for some people it's what standards of dress to adhere to. These are things we look to society to help us decide how to behave or appropriate etiquette. As I take steps in my life, and as I take steps in my relationship, I often find myself wondering what is the Frum and gay society? What are the standards and "norms" that can help inform the decisions I make in my own life? And I know the answer, there are none. Since being Frum and gay is very unique, there is no societal norm or cultural standards to help decisions I need to make.

For one example, there is the issue of marriage. In most Frum communities, marriage is expected of a couple anywhere from the ages of 21-24. After that is fine, but generally many people put the most pressure on themselves during that stage in their lives because society dictated it. In the gay world, the emphasis on marriage is later in one's life, usually a person's early thirties. So which standards should I be adhering to? Religious people get married out of love, and in order for it to be socially acceptable for them to be sharing a life and a home as part of the religious community they must get married. But a religious gay person has no standards for how and when or even if the community will accept them as a couple.

An blogger this week, found here (Loveless Marriages), argues that secular marriages revolve around love and intimacy while Jewish marriages revolve more around community and family, and for this reason, it may not be such a bad idea for same-sex attracted men and women to marry each other as part of continuing our communities and traditions. In addition, the author hypothesizes that this is why secular marriages breakup, while more religious marriages stay together- because of community. I strongly disagree with this, and felt my opinion complements what I have written above.

To build the foundation of a marriage simply on community and platonic love, is not enough to sustain it, in my opinion.  What it takes is community and intimate love, together. Frum and gay people need to start building standards and setting norms to support each other. It is extremely confusing for a gay man or gay woman in the orthodox community, and while pressures to adhere to norms are strong, I think (yes, my own opinion) that everyone needs love and intimacy to sustain a marriage- even religious people- and for that reason, opposite-sex homosexuals marrying one another is not a solution, but only perpetuates the problem of orthodox Jews unwilling to address the issues of gay people in the community. 

One Thing

In a recent interview that can be found HERE, I was asked two very difficult questions that I will go into this post and the next post. Shout out to the awesome YU Beacon and my interviewer for letting me share this.

I was asked if there was one thing I could tell the Orthodox community, for all to know, what would it be. Coming to the answer to this question took some time. There is so much I want the Orthodox community to know- that I want to have a “normal” life like the rest of them, that just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m any different from them, that I plan on living an Orthodox lifestyle to the best of my ability, that being gay was not planned, expected, or asked for- but none of these were really just one thing for me to tell the community, so here’s what I went with:

"That being gay is not a choice. It’s not something I ever wished for, and not something I strive to push on anyone who is uncomfortable with it."

I did not choose to be gay or ask for it or beg for my life to be more difficult. I wished and cried for the opposite. I simply tried to live a “normal” modern Orthodox life, like all my friends, but found myself attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite. After too much pain and struggle, I realized that just because I was gay, I was not going to allow that to stop me from living the “normal” modern Orthodox life; I just hope to do it with a man instead of a woman. Being gay, for almost all individuals struggling is not a choice- if it were, why would we choose the other path? Why would we want to go against the Torah? Why would we beg and plead for communities to accept us for who we are?

This is something the Orthodox community needs to recognize, because too often people are cast aside or hurt and not accepted. Why? Because it's viewed as something that is more or less in our control, and it's not. Just like a heterosexual's attraction towards women is not in their control, so too for the homosexual, the attraction is not in their control. For all these reasons I had to use this one thing to tell the Orthodox community- being gay is almost always not a choice. Just some food for thought.

Monogamy (My Future)

This may be my least ‘sensical’ and most ‘opinionated’ post. I don’t have facts, I don't have stats, I just have experience. I started graduate school about four months ago, a profession dominated by women and gay men. I thought I could meet some cute guys and enjoy the social experience in addition to the educational experience. That’s definitely holding true- but I realized that almost none of the men are single.

Even though a lot of them are gay, most of them are taken and in committed relationships. Similarly, I have awesome neighbors in a committed (gay) relationship. But this shouldn’t be possible! When I came out, or when I was struggling in high school, all I heard was- you don’t want that lifestyle- no one is truly happy, gay and lesbian individuals, specifically, don’t settle down- they live a life of misery, alone. Well I’m here to tell you, purely based of my experiences- that is not true. Homosexuals are just as capable of building stable lives, with friends and families, just like any heterosexual couple. For some of you this may be obvious, but for many people who grew up, like myself, hearing that homosexuals are never happy, never find stability, and definitely don’t settle down- just had to say it’s false.

I do hope to have a family one day, even a religious one. I think that a partner and I can raise children in the Orthodox world better than many of today’s parents and couples, and hopefully half as decent as my siblings do it- they’re the most incredible parents ever, all of them. As far as community- I know Yeshiva’s that will accept my children, and what more can I hope for? Will my child/children be made fun of? Perhaps, but what child isn’t? I also want to live in Israel, where I know other religious gay couples building families and lives. Everyone’s home lives are different- divorced parents, non-Kosher homes- all my friends growing up had their own story “in” the Orthodox world. My kids will have their own story.

We are the world

Hey, I wanted to briefly focus on another topic that has come up almost daily in the past 2 weeks of my life. I think there is a theme within the Orthodox communities of ethnocentrism. The Idea that "us" Orthodox Jews know better, act better, and are better, than the rest of the world as a whole, and even the rest of the Jewish world.

It's time for that theory to be eradicated. Wherever that attitude came from within our communities it just needs to go. Orthodoxy has the same, if not more, problems than the rest of the world. We have no more figured out than a non-Orthodox Jew and are no better people than your average "Goy". We are all equals in this world, and until we realize that we can never have an influence on anyone else. No one wants to be looked down upon, no one wants to hear from the Orthodox Jews, when all we do is talk down to others and teach them why our way is the right way and their ways are wrong. We need to grow out of that frame of mind, or no one will want to listen to us.

I am just as guilty as anyone else, of growing up in the Orthodox world and believing that we were above it all. It's what being sheltered and staying in our own communities will do to us. However, I am only now beginning to learn that my attitude has been all wrong, and I hope I can grow to understand that I am no better than anyone else because of my community.

I say the following with caution and not any sense of authority on the matter, and no offense meant to anyone- it's just something that came to mind, and I could be wrong: Orthodox Jews spent a lot of time in Europe sheltering themselves and trying to be above everyone else, and unfortunately that seemed to have a negative outcome. The only way to be part of the world is to understand that we are all the same. We are just as good or bad, strong or weak, tall or short, as everyone around us. Until that happens, no one will take us seriously and we will lose the opportunity to influence the world in any way, if we are simply ignored because of arrogance.

Maturity

So there are a lot of topics on my mind right now, I've had some time to think over Pesach, and I'll do a blog prob every few days this week. One thing on my mind, especially as I spend a lot of time around family- the most judgmental element in anyone's life- is the broad topic of maturity. What is maturity? What defines someone as mature or immature- is it all based on societal values or is it personal opinion?

A few examples- going our with friends to bars, and getting drunk- mature or immature? Sleeping in on various mornings, even Shabbat- mature or immature? Thinking outside the box, going against the norm- mature or rebellious and immature? These questions plague me daily, as I do worry about society's perception of me (another issue itself, but not for now), and how I look in other people's eyes. My conclusions are obviously not in any way final or even correct, they've just been the way I've made sense of this topic in my head:

When I was younger, a teen, everyone told me how mature I was for my age. Now, as an adult, I don't get that comment- ever- and have even been called immature by some, even though my thinking is as forward and developed as it has ever been. Because I think at a certain point, like as one begins college- everyone is considered mature. Everyone has reached a level of expected behavior and that behavior is mature. The only ones we now judge are those who don't live up to it and call them immature. I rarely can recall a person in high school who was "immature", someone was just more mature than the rest- and now people are just more immature than the rest.

Regardless of the questions I asked above, I think it's important, as I try to do, to judge your own personal behavior based on what you believe is right for you to be doing. If you need to have fun, have fun, if you're tired, sleep. But if your intentions are to "never grow up" or to overly indulge in activities without attempting to think about your life and the greater scheme of things, that's immature.

Opportunities

After coming out a lot of things changed for me. But i'm not even speaking personally, but professionally. I knew I was closing off my life from opportunities within the Yeshiva day schools or summer camps or NCSY, and it hurt, but I hoped somehow it would all be worth it. I came to YU b/c the opportunities of places to go from there within the Jewish Community- even out of the closet- were much greater than anywhere else.

While at YU I took a few small leadership opportunities and did a few things to keep myself content. But i knew it wasn't enough. I was just so scared that if I took more opportunities I would be rejected because of who I was. Or I wouldn't be comfortable on certain programs or people wouldn't be comfortable with me- rooming with them, hanging out with them, because while yes, the Orthodox world may need to open up a little more, it scared me to be the one to do it- and I didn't need to force them. If people wanted to open up, I was here, but if they didn't I didn't want to make trouble. But it really came at a high price as I missed out on some amazing experiences.

So recently, I took one of those experiences and applied to work within YU next year. I'm done sitting on the sidelines, and I just want to work within the Jewish community- and maybe even within the Modern Orthodox community, if they'll have me. I'm tired of running away from opportunities, and I'm tired of letting my fear of what trouble others may perceive me of causing, even though I never did anything of the sort, get in the way of where I want to go. So good luck to me on getting the job, if not, onto more endeavors.

Move along.

When I was in high school I used to imagine "endless nights". My theory was that the longer I stayed awake, the more I focused on NOT falling asleep, the next day would never come. The morning would never come and I would never have to worry about the test I had the next day or the pain that was my life and my sexuality. Life could just freeze in this endless night, where time never had to move on.
In a way, I feel, that might be a phase the world is going through. In particular, when it comes to anyone fearful of change or commitment, it represents their greater fear of moving on, of growing up, of gaining days, months and years on their lives. They're scared if they commit to something in the future, they are committing to that future time and date arriving, and therefore locking themselves into a plan that they cannot alter, and they cannot stop it from arriving.
Sometimes it might be nice to freeze the world. Sometimes it would be nice not to have to move on, to face the world to face the future, but no matter how long you fight that sleep from overtaking you, the new day will come. So instead of fighting, I challenge us all to embrace it. Embrace every new day, embrace every new step and every moment of our future. "Remember the past, Live the present, Trust the future."

I'm not speaking

This tuesday night 12/22, The Wurzweiler School of Social Work and the YU Tolerance Club are hosting an event called
"Being Gay in the Orthodox World
A Conversation with YU Community Members"
I love this event. I am involved with coordinating various aspects of it, and totally agree that it's time for something like this to happen at YU. However, I am upset that students are still bashing, taking down signs, and plan to protest the event - why? Because YU refuses to publicly take an official stance on the issue of homosexuality. Rebbeim refuse to say "this is an issue that needs to be understood and discussed". Instead, they let their students become bigots and hateful Jews.

Putting that aside, I will not be speaking on the panel. I would love to speak on the panel, to share my experiences to put a face to the issue of homosexuality and have everyone know that this isn't something going away or a problem to keep hidden. However, for personal reasons- for my reputation as a student leader, my future in the Jewish community, and for my relationship with my family- I do not feel it would be appropriate for me to speak. I'm out of the closet- which has caused enough controversy already and I really do not feel the need to push it in my family's faces any further. I wish I could share my story at an open YU forum, but I guess that's why I have the blog, To do what I can, but take a more subtle approach for everyone to see only if they want to.

My Options

The way I see it- and this is a very simplistic view, very dumbed-down if you will.
I have two options:

1) I can live a life alone. Try as hard as I can to live a completely Halachik observance. To live watching my friends and family grow and raise their own families, to eat by them for Shabboss and keep my good friends in my life and be best friends with all their children and be that creepy guy that hangs around b/c he was their parents friend and now he's old and creepy. But I will be trying as hard as a can to live as best and openly Halachik life as possible.

2) I can find someone to be with- obviously the ideal. Start my own life with him. Change with world with him. But I'm so scared of that. I'm so scared of that side of me. Of not being Halachik. Of not being able to help people or change the world if everyone looks at me as this person who lives a life against the Torah.

How do I live alone?
How do I live against the Torah?