Gay Marriage

I’ve never really discussed gay marriage here- Halachically (Jewish law) or politically. I do think, however, those are two very different aspects.

According to Jewish law, homosexuality is a sin, and whether or not every act of homosexuality can be considered a sin from the Torah or the Rabbi’s, the point is, gay marriage as a Jewish religious institution, does not exist. The Rabbi’s never set boundaries or laws, or how a wedding should be performed between two people of the same gender. There is no Ketubah for same-sex couples, there is no Chupah, and while the institution can be created, it has not been, and probably won’t be from an Orhtodox perspective.

Politically, the country is torn, many people are confused, but a growing voice and opinion amongst many is the following: the institution of marriage is a religious one, and it should not be up to the state who is “married” and who is not. Instead, the state should be giving out civil unions. Between man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, there should be civil unions. For people who want to be “married”, that’s for their religious institution to decide, and for a religious marriage contract to establish. A political contract would be a union. Now I know this may sound radical to many, but I think it’s a distinct possibility of what may eventually solve the “gay marriage” controversy.

For myself, I do want a civil union. I want a partner, a husband, someone who I am connected to by civil law, sharing rights and benefits, and creating a family of my own. Having children is something I have discussed in the past, and will get to discussing again soon, but not in this post. I do wish my religion could recognize my family unit however I choose to create it, but when it comes down to it- Orthodox Judaism does not, but that does not make me want to leave the community, it’s just a fact that I accept.

Monogamy (My Future)

This may be my least ‘sensical’ and most ‘opinionated’ post. I don’t have facts, I don't have stats, I just have experience. I started graduate school about four months ago, a profession dominated by women and gay men. I thought I could meet some cute guys and enjoy the social experience in addition to the educational experience. That’s definitely holding true- but I realized that almost none of the men are single.

Even though a lot of them are gay, most of them are taken and in committed relationships. Similarly, I have awesome neighbors in a committed (gay) relationship. But this shouldn’t be possible! When I came out, or when I was struggling in high school, all I heard was- you don’t want that lifestyle- no one is truly happy, gay and lesbian individuals, specifically, don’t settle down- they live a life of misery, alone. Well I’m here to tell you, purely based of my experiences- that is not true. Homosexuals are just as capable of building stable lives, with friends and families, just like any heterosexual couple. For some of you this may be obvious, but for many people who grew up, like myself, hearing that homosexuals are never happy, never find stability, and definitely don’t settle down- just had to say it’s false.

I do hope to have a family one day, even a religious one. I think that a partner and I can raise children in the Orthodox world better than many of today’s parents and couples, and hopefully half as decent as my siblings do it- they’re the most incredible parents ever, all of them. As far as community- I know Yeshiva’s that will accept my children, and what more can I hope for? Will my child/children be made fun of? Perhaps, but what child isn’t? I also want to live in Israel, where I know other religious gay couples building families and lives. Everyone’s home lives are different- divorced parents, non-Kosher homes- all my friends growing up had their own story “in” the Orthodox world. My kids will have their own story.

Why I will not marry a woman

I thought this was clear from the 50+ posts in the past, but based on a recent comment I shall clarify. I do not intend, as the person I am today, to marry a woman. I say today because I never know what kind of things will happen in my life and one day I may wake up and be straight. But odds are slim. So no, I do not plan on marrying a woman.

The way I love men is not something explainable, you can't put in to words what it's like when you have such a strong love, and that's what I have felt for men, not women. My best friends are girls/women who I think are the most amazing people the world and I love them so much, but not as much as I love men, I can't no matter how long I've known them or how many hours I've spent with them, it's not the same as my love for people of the same gender. I hope that makes sense.

For that reason I'm not marrying a woman. But it has been suggested that that is not a good enough reason- that I should just suck it up and follow the Torah's law and marry heterosexually and build a family (not going into how the physical relationship would or would not work), and do things the "natural way". So yes, while plenty of men do that I do not think it's fair for a woman to love me with all her heart while I constantly feel something lacking, and that I can't be as close to her as I feel to a man. I can't imagine putting a woman through the hell of having a husband who's not totally there. It's not fair to HER. So even if I wanted to "get over it" and just pretend like everything is normal, I think that would be even more selfish than coming out and living my own life, it's even worse to ruin someone else's. It's wrong.

If I marry a man is something different and another topic, and something I still have not decided for myself at this point in time. But back to the point, no, I am not planning to marry a woman.

Non-Sequitur

I'm feeling stressed. Obviously, it's finals right? No. I'm a senior, thank God finals are pretty okay this year. But socially, I feel like I have a million people that I want to be with in a million different places at a million different times. And while, ideally, I would like to satisfy all of them, I just try do what makes me the happiest, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. While it may not be fair of me to flip-flop from group A to family back to group A and then to group B, maybe it's not fair for me to obligate myself to be in so many places at one time?

I'm not saying this to sounds haughty, even though I know it does. I say this because it hurts me on the inside, makes me very upset and almost irreconcilable sometimes when I know I'm letting friends down. So when I make plans to do three things one night, and satisfy four different parties, and I end up doing only one or two of those things, it makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin, I just want to go back in time and fix everything that went wrong. And sometimes I just need to stick with one group at a time and focus on the people that currently fit the best into my life right now. And while that may be selfish, I know how much I do try to be involved in every group- even though it doesn't always work out.

Sometimes there are things I really want to do, but don't have time for or can't do them, and it upsets me. The problem is I end up upsetting myself by not hanging out with you because I really do want to hang out with you. It's just not so easy sometimes. And I hate how sad it makes me when I can't plan for 28 hours in the day, as well as to have a car, and be able to be where I want to be exactly when I want to be there. In fact, it sucks. I just have to try and get through it and make sure to stay happy? Sometimes I just need to challenge myself, and help myself grow, and writing this out should totally help. So thanks for listening.

Family Outing

Hey, so three topics to come within the next few days, but I'll start by answering a commenter who often asks what my family thinks about everything.

My extended family and cousins have only recently heard of my coming out, and I thank them for all their support and love and hope that people will learn from having me in their family. My parents generation doesn't know as much, many don't know anything about my sexuality, but seeing as their more distant from my life, I don't feel pressured to tell them as much. Although some I see kinda often and it's frustrating to be asked when I'm dating and when I'm getting married.

The hardest people to tell were the people I was closest to- so the last people that knew were my roommate, followed by my siblings. I was so scared that who I was would change in their eyes, so scared of being judged or not trusted or scolded, or worst of all, cut out, from their lives that I didn't want to tell them. My roommate had heard from other sources, since he travels in my social circles but I still pushed off telling him, and he was really was as amazing as anyone could hope for, he had already had time to process, but he didn't ask questions, didn't freak out, just took it in and accepted it, and to this day is still my roommate and best friend. Thanks.

My siblings were another story. One of my (3) sisters has been my rock in this area since high school and I don't know where I would be without her, so thanks. But the others, since they weren't in my social world too much and more conservative based of of how we were all raised, I pushed it off for as long as possible. With some of them it needed to be confronted head on, and with some it just had to be mentioned in passing. And while I wish it was easier to discuss it openly with them like I do with my friends, I love that I can still be a part of their lives as much as I always have been, and they are my four (or more, including spouses) best friends in the world and I literally pray that our relationship only grows and continues in the future, and doesn't stop if I do something they may not approve of.

My parents were the first people I told. I wasn't going to come out socially, and hope it didn't get back to them when they live ten minutes away from YU- and they're my parents. It was difficult, but they knew I had been struggling with this since high school, I just don't think they realized I would ever come out. But I did, and it was discussed once or twice over the course of 18 months and that was really hard. I felt like I hadn't come out at all. But recently, since the YU Panel, the channels have been a bit more open as they are more willing to understand that I struggle with something that conflicts with my desire to be Frum, and I think they realized how deep that struggle can go. I have to thank the awful response of R' Twersky to the event for my father being so angry with him for being unwilling to allow me to be in the Orthodox world. So while I'm not bringing anyone home anytime soon, I know that I will always have their love, and mostly their support.