My Rabbis

Rather than go down the path of expressing my anger, frustration, sadness and struggle I thought I'd take the opportunity to discuss some of the better things that I've found being a gay Orthodox Jew- and hope to try and incorporate more happiness in my future posts.

The first Rabbi I came out to, in high school, simply expressed his wish to make things easier for me. No offered solutions, no discussing how to fix me, just admission, from my Rabbi, that he did not know what to do. The man I had looked up to for so many years, didn't have the solution- and at that point I realized there really was no solution and it would just have to be a path for me to forge, and create the life that would help me find happiness. It was a huge relief to have someone I respected so much struggling with me, trying to figure things out with me, and trying to help me forge a path- because he wanted me to find truth, just as much as I wanted to find it.

In Yeshiva in Israel, for a year and a half, one Rebbe worked with me on ignoring my sexuality, and not letting it be the only thing that occupied my mind, and replacing it with lots of Torah in order to avoid other issues. While not the best tactic, I was distracted from my "troubles" for a nice amount of time and really got a lot of learning done for the 15 months I was studying.

When I got to Yeshiva University, I came out to my Rabbi after I had come out to my friends and family, and figured I could build another relationship and role model. And I did. This man- a very religious, learned and respected Rabbi, albeit younger than most on campus- was the most supportive a Rabbi could be- especially given that I didn't come to him for support, just to have another close Rabbi in my life. His first response was "Wow, I can't believe someone in your shoes is still in my Shiur, learning daily and walking around as a religious Jew". He was awed and inspired by ME! He continued to hear my story and became a tremendous ally over my next few years on campus. He supported my dating men, supported my right to exist in the Orthodox community as a gay man.

None of this should be a shock, but I know for so many it is. Many people assume every Rabbi is bad, and everyone will reject them if they are Orthodox and gay- and I wanted to show that in my experience, that wasn't the case, and I'm so happy to have all their support to this day, and don't be scared of Rabbi's- especially in 2010, some of them can surprise you.

Resolution

I know it's lame to call my first post of the New Year resolution, but instead of just being angry, I would like to suggest that we all resolve a few things for the new year.

Apparently, it is common for members of my "loving" and "supportive" community to question my roommates- past and present- about living with a gay guy. Won't it be weird? What if he, like, y'know, tries stuff? Thank God I have actual loving and supportive roommates who make me feel incredible about being in this community, where I so often feel and fear that I don't belong. I was so nervous to move to a new community because I didn't think I'd find anyone who would live with me. I thank my close friends in a addition to my roommates, for always making me feel part of a world that tries so hard to reject me.

But even when I think progress is being made and the community is opening it's mind a little bit, while I know it is, it's so hard to continue on when you know that behind your back, everyone asks "won't it be weird living with a gay guy". Hey world- wake up! I'm just like everyone else, with attractions only to certain people, with the ability to control my desires and needs- and not the audacity or tastelessness to hit on any living male creature.

Anyway, I'm annoyed that people still question my ability to be a normal person. But on a similar level, any friends that are supportive of me and the community also get questioned- are they gay too? Otherwise, why would they be so supportive? The notion that someone supporting a friend or a community with the need for support gets judged for trying to be a good person is one of the worst qualities of judgment.

So I challenge those in the Orthodox world- and those outside of it- to open their minds in the new year and realize that not only can I belong, but I am just like everyone else. To make the resolution to not just "be tolerant" but to accept anyone for who they are- regardless of their personal sexual preference or because of who they support.

Gender Roles

Anyone who knows me personally, knows that one of my "favorite" topics to discuss is gender roles. Unfortunately, especially in Orthodox Judaism, men and women are restricted to specific limitations based on what there gender's can or cannot do.

The Torah certainly defines specific things for men and for women to do- but over the past millenia, those laws have turned into men having specific strengths, hobbies, and persona's that women and men must fill. While certain things may be true on a general basis, the idea that one person can or cannot do something based on their gender is ridiculous. Physical differences aside, there is no real codified law specifying gender roles. There is however, socially created limitations for what is 'acceptable' or not for men and women to do. There are people who do nothing but joke and make fun and perpetuate stereotypes of what a man should do and what a woman should do. Is this acceptable? Does every man and woman meet every criteria of their social expectations? Do they even have to?

This isn't to say that men and women can't do what society has set as their "place", but it is to realize that men and women by no means have to do what society tells them.

Personally, I have to mention the toll that gender roles can take on the life of someone who doesn't conform to what society believes they should or should not be doing. Be it hobbies, interests, skills or behaviors- too often I was judged based on societies "norms" and "standards" for how a man should act and what they should be interested in. I can tell you that not everyone fits that mold- and forcing them too, or expecting them too, or challenging them to- or making fun of them if they don't, will NOT impact who they are and how they behave. It will only hurt them.

It is up to us to look at each other, regardless of sex, to choose our friends, hire our employees, and just to relate to each other as individuals. Before we comment on what a man or woman can or cannot do, or who is meeting social norms appropriately or not, just think- how much does it really matter?

Monogamy (My Future)

This may be my least ‘sensical’ and most ‘opinionated’ post. I don’t have facts, I don't have stats, I just have experience. I started graduate school about four months ago, a profession dominated by women and gay men. I thought I could meet some cute guys and enjoy the social experience in addition to the educational experience. That’s definitely holding true- but I realized that almost none of the men are single.

Even though a lot of them are gay, most of them are taken and in committed relationships. Similarly, I have awesome neighbors in a committed (gay) relationship. But this shouldn’t be possible! When I came out, or when I was struggling in high school, all I heard was- you don’t want that lifestyle- no one is truly happy, gay and lesbian individuals, specifically, don’t settle down- they live a life of misery, alone. Well I’m here to tell you, purely based of my experiences- that is not true. Homosexuals are just as capable of building stable lives, with friends and families, just like any heterosexual couple. For some of you this may be obvious, but for many people who grew up, like myself, hearing that homosexuals are never happy, never find stability, and definitely don’t settle down- just had to say it’s false.

I do hope to have a family one day, even a religious one. I think that a partner and I can raise children in the Orthodox world better than many of today’s parents and couples, and hopefully half as decent as my siblings do it- they’re the most incredible parents ever, all of them. As far as community- I know Yeshiva’s that will accept my children, and what more can I hope for? Will my child/children be made fun of? Perhaps, but what child isn’t? I also want to live in Israel, where I know other religious gay couples building families and lives. Everyone’s home lives are different- divorced parents, non-Kosher homes- all my friends growing up had their own story “in” the Orthodox world. My kids will have their own story.