Falling out of love

Yes, this week i very stressful- but that just means I am more intensified, my life is more intensified and you know what that means- more drama. This week, it's not the usual drama, backstabbing, cheating, TV things like that. It's worse.

The more i immerse myself into YU the more i am falling for the people around me. The more i feel like i can do nothing to control my feelings, and my emotions are just carrying me. controlling every friendship and every relationship - and complicating them.

It's not good for me to fall for people around me, firstly b/c they're not gay, second of all b/c even knowing that, i lie to myself and tell myself i have a chance until that person manages to convince me otherwise. Sorry for those friends that this is weird for, but this is the reality. I spend hours thinking about my good friends, but sometimes its more- i want them to love me back, the way i love them. Its like a straight guy falling for a girl he cant have, or for a girl who is his best friend- he's in love with them, cares about them so much, but no matter how much they love him back its 'friendship' love, and that is by no means the feeling he needs.

Maybe I'm just lonely, maybe I just want someone so bad that i fall for those unavailable, clinging to every unrealistic hope of one day having them care about me as much as i care about them. I need to be falling out of love, not in love. And these are the things that distract me from my work, and the stress.

Stress Management

So yea, the Succot holidays were relaxing. and awesome. I rlly paid no attention to school which was fine. Then last week, I knew i had a pretty stressful week ahead of me, which I was prepared for. What i wasnt prepared for were my two hardest classes announcing/refreshing students memories that there are two HUGE midterms this week. I am freaking out all week last week. and I am literally doing ANYTHING to avoid studying- except TV watching b/c that would be admitting that i'm procrastinating. i wont admit to it.

but here i am admitting it. literally i let these thoughts of too much work race though my head, and how i'll never get through these tests or pass college. then i also let the drama take over- this friend is struggling, i need to hang out with that grp of friends, and aaah. Im trying to take it one day at a time. thats what they say to do. right?

ps- im really realy srry to all those friends im letting down by not hanging out/ going out for birthdays and the like. I just cant admit to procrastination. id rather sit in my apt and blog, then actually be somewhere where work wouldn't be feasible.