It will always be there, it will always be in the back of my mind. As happy, as confident, as controlled as I try to be, it will always be there. The dissonance of being Orthodox and Gay.
I bring this up now in light of last week's Torah portions, the two verses that contain the prohibition towards the physical actions of anal sex and homosexuality, as they bring up mixed emotions when I hear it read in shul. Part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to stand there in pride that I can be Orthodox and hear these verses read, but then I wonder what kind of pride is it to know that the way I want to live my life violates Halacha? They are two mixed emotions. And yes, there are ways to interpret the verses to make someone feel not as guilty, but I'm not about reinterpreting things. I try to be as honest with myself and my religion and my sexuality.
On that note, I do plan on staying away from anal sex for the duration of my lifetime, with God's help, which is something I avoided posting on here for a while, because I felt it too personal. But after standing in Shul, I knew I needed to discuss things further. So I take comfort in hopefully not violating the Issur Deoraysa (Torah prohibition), but still feel the angst in my mind of a life that will never be perfectly okay according to Halacha.
Great Post.
ReplyDeleteIf that was the only issur d'oraisa involved ur tzidkus would be admired...
ReplyDelete(unfortunately that is not the case)
Your final paragraph is very revealing. From some of your previous posts, I would not have been surprised "if you went all the way," so Yasher koach for the boundaries that you have set for yourself. This should lessen the "angst in [your] mind" for we attest during davening that no person "is perfectly okay according to Halacha." We all have our areas of weakness. Even as an active gay frum Jew, you can still be proud of what you do accomplish. If you refrain from anal sex for religious reasons, but still have a need to masturbate, then rather than feel all guilty, be thankful that you have an outlet that is less problematic.
ReplyDeleteI have a question: since you are gay, what's the Halacha for you with regards to Shomer negiah? Are you allowed to touch girls because theoretically speaking you biologically aren't attracted to them? Or do they still apply because gay men in the past have fathered children?
ReplyDeleteAnd then does Shomer negiah apply to men?